The "No SEX" Ordeal In Long-term Relationships

Well… here it goes.
I am in a relationship with my girl for almost a decade now. It was all fun and games, until something along the road broke and she lost any trace of sexual interest in me. Only sexual. She likes to cuddle, etc. but no libido, sex drive, or hints for sexy tines whatsoever. It seems that sex is just a fancy word. Nothing mire than a word.
Since I am a biologically well-educated former semi-professional footballer, my first thought was hormones, since her thyroid glans have been removed surgically. Not the case. Estrogen is fine, within the tolerable deviations.
Next stop - stress. We went the weed route, despite the legal concerns. Nothing - we smoke, she falls asleep 15 minutes later. Ditched that also.
My inevitable thought was “she found someone else” - not the case either. She loves me, only me, and nobody else.
Completely disarmed, I began doing something radical - actually finding the problem within ourselves. It turns out she was raised in a sort of a shady family - an ever-demanding father, who puts learning before social life, and a neglect mother, who ran away from explaining her girl all about “the birds and the bees”. I am her first man ever, we are 29-year-old.
We have been going the thorny road of sporadic sex for around five years, in which, I tried all the tricks up my sleeve - without any success.
However, a thing broke further - we talked about it and realized that I must “love the soul, rather than love the body”. Which is something I don’t quite understand yet.
“OK, the problem is in me”, I thought to myself. Going all in, I only realized that my girl is feeling uncomfortable about intercourse of any kind. However, she orgasms when I go down on her. Every time. And she REALLY enjoys it.

Now, I adopted the “No Sex” policy, which actually pushed me into penis enlargement. “Since she doesn’t need my dick, at least I may try to make it ideal in my own eyes”
So, I told her no sex for at least two years, completely understanding that the burden shall be on my side, since I am horny as f*ck from all this time without intercourse.

Let’s all elaborate on the topic. Is it normal for couples to ditch out sex completely? Or mutual masturbation, and oral, in this manner. How to go around that problem, if it is a problem to begin with? Can something be made to go against that scenario?

(P.S.: For scientific purposes - our longest period without any kind of sexual activity is 13 months.)

C’mon, let’s talk about (NO) sex, may be?

I share your pain.

We men can pull out there rabbit on demand but them girls are complex organisms.

I know that my wife needs certain things to get in the mood. Most of these things are alien to me. They include feeling secure, being complimented on their looks body face etc. Feeling needed and respected. Once all this is in place, sexy appears.

TBH,I can’t be arsed with it must of the time. Out of desperation and then boredom, I have a beer or two and then forget sex for the day as I’m no good once alcohol takes effect. She also likes wine which makes her sleep and that’s that.

When we get to it, the sex is great and we often compliment reach other how good we are at it and that we should do it more often. Having kids in the house doesn’t help of course.

Don´t you think this kind of declarements will make a bad thing even worse?

My wife and I have been married 18 and a half years, together 23, and we have always fucked, had sex, made love, whatever you call it in all various ways shapes and formats, we’ve always done it, as much as we can. Not even two bad rounds of oral cancer stopped us from sex and making love, and I mean we had sex while she had a feeding tube coming out of her, that’s how much we cherish and adore the sex life we have together. But, menopause came for her a little early due to chemotherapy, and she has hit a rough patch that only vaginal medicine can cure and correct. Now she has the vagina of a 20 year old and it is hungry and wants me in it! Although menopause is very tough to deal with (for some people its worse than for others), we’ve tried to overcome it and fuck our brains out when we can.

I don’t know or understand why couples wind up not having sex anymore. They explain it to me and I just don’t get it. The only answer is there is a disconnect between the people and they blame their not having sex with each other on the kids, or the work schedules, or being tired, or whatever. If you both want each other badly enough, you can bang it out any way you can. I know its not always that easy. But, if there’s no sex anymore, what else is not happening anymore? What is taking the place of sex???

Thyroid can create problems with libido. Get her to take maca root and catuaba bark for libido; its been shown to help women who have thyroid issues. But honestly it sounds like she has something emotional going on and her issue is physical only because its mental. Also, how to do you engage sex with her? Does she get what she wants in bed from you? Do you and her talk about sex openly, like you might talk about what to have for dinner or what you want to do for the weekend? Is sex a casual, easy topic to discuss?

Well, it is a risk worth taking, since all of the efforts in the sex engagement route are going nowhere, really. I have a clear understanding that my trial is not the safest, but at the very best it won’t hurt her feelings towards sex. And, after all, after I managed to withstand a full year being rock hard to the point of pain. What’s about a couple more?

We are diametrically opposite to each other - I am open about it, tried almost everything I can imagine, while she only had me causing her orgasms. Not even herself. Sex is, by far, the hardest topic to discuss, as she is incredibly shy about it, even after having sex for a decade. This, in fact, is my biggest wonder - how is someone still ashamed and sometimes disgusted by sex, after 10 years into it, albeit sporadic?

I see divorce. You should do it soon before you get kids from her. Things are not gonna be better from the attitude/behavior of hers, nor yours.

While you are trying to put things to blame and holding this relationship on your back, losing precious time, effort and energy; I am seeing the future of your story, not just 2 steps ahead of you, I’m trying to save you from future fights both of you’ll have, the worst are when lawyers are involved around your money, think of it.

Not sure they are married.

They seem to love each other so it depends how deep that love is.

After 25 years of marriage and fairly sexless now, I do yearn for a sexfull relationship. If I could reverse things, undo the kids and the life, I would do it differently.

I say, if the option is there, take it. If not, live with it and make the best of it that you can.

Background story - not married, glad we didn’t make it. I don’t want to blame someone for my situation except myself, really.

That’s why I started the discussion - to bring different points of view from different people around the globe.

I don’t really know what to say. She has to understand you will never have the life you really want without any sex. You’re here to share that life with her.
If she loves you, she has to learn to love what you really want. The way around is not true : you want something, she wants nothing, it is not an equal matter.
You want to fully live with her, she wants to keep something from you. She can’t respond you have to respect her position. There’s two viable options in my opinion, 1) you’re not a good fit and she wants to stay the way she is - that’s a break-up or a sad life, 2) you’re not a good fit but she wants to change to be with you. It’s not a matter of - the girl has to comply, and the man is always leading. That’s macho-bullshit. It’s not sex is a right, or something like that either. You just need something from her, to feel loved and good, and if she loves you more than her limitations, she has to discard it and change. You’re waiting, she’s not. Maybe you don’t give her what she wants, and that would be another topic - but a healthy relationship is one where you learn to love what’s important and necessary for the other one, thus giving it with genuine pleasure.

My english is not on par with what I’m trying to say, but I guess the meaning is there, somewhere.

Sadly this is the way it will be. It will not change. You either accept this type of life or move on. You are still young so think of your future but you will not change her.

Everyone has different “make or breaks”.

For some it’s they can’t be with someone who leaves towels on floor, for others it could be dishes, another person expects their mate to be with them every weekend.

There is no right or wrong as much as do we work together?

Some people are just simply wired differently sexually and no mater what you do, there might only be so far you can get. Is sex a make or break? For some it might not be, for others it’s a show stopper.

We all have flaws. I have flaws, my wife has flaws; however, my flaws are not show stoppers for her and her’s are not for me. Often times it is what we don’t have in common that can absolutely systemically pester a relationship. Sure, opposites might attract, but we better be damn sure that we can live with the things where we are different:-)

My wife and I are sexual equals, we are just that way, like the cream inside of a Twinkie. Luck of the draw really, only credit we get is not taking it for granted when we realized we had that compatibility .

We do have other things that come a little more difficult, one of us is cleaner, one is a bit more messy, in time we leveled that out and probably just met halfway. Kids always bring interesting challenges to a relationship, we workout through those challenges well, but we have that common goal of wanting to agree with each other.

I think it’s ok to express when a current situation isn’t working, especially when it’s a “make or break” item. I also believe it’s ok to draw a line in the sand and set some time limits and consequences.

But only those in the relationship can make those decisions.

Relationships can be complex for sure and either we can make them agreeable to both parties involved or for the well being of all, know when it’s time to cut ties.

+1 ^

I dont even know what to say in these topics, all I can say this scares the shit out of me. I went through this many many years ago and it was plain torture. 100% torture. I never cheated, because if I did then I was the evil in the picture. I naturally do not cheat because off principles, but if a man is denied a basic action that was made for, that is not fair. Still, the situation led in great part to the end of the relationship.

Since then, never married again, and one of the reasons for that is that I am highly sexual. I literally fear going through the same situation again and having to end the relationship. Because I will end it, no doubt about it. It is not fair. Sex is a natural necessity just like taking a shit, peeing, being hungry. If you are hungry, you have to eat. Is not a choice. You can hold, you can be starving, but after hours, perhaps a day pass, you will eat, no questions asked. Well, when it comes to sex, you have to have sex. You have to. Is a necessity. Nobody has the right to forbid you from having sex. It is part of the compromise of your significant other to give you sex. Because is she doesnt, then who??? I would ask that simple question. Not having it, is not an option. That is cruel, it should even be illegal.

And unfortunately women change like that. You can meet a gorgeous nymph and 5 years later she turns into a nun.

Sorry to be blunt flowsky but you have to ditch this woman as quick as possible. And run as fast as you can in the other direction.

If things are like this now they will never improve they will only get worse.

Its obviously completely up to you if you want to live in a sexless relationship or not.