Irreparable damge?

I know the penis is extremely resilient, but I feel I’ve permanently “changed” my dick after overusing a bathmate X30 back in May 2019 — it’s the one you have to push into yourself to get suction.

Basically my suicidal ideation and bouts of severe depression and anxiety are rooted in this injury with the bathmate, because of everything that has followed it. What has followed it is:
- a low T test that came back at 270 so they screened me for testicular cancer. No cancer was found per the report.
- a shaft that wants to go left when erect, and overall it looks thinner than it used to (not as much girth).
- soft penis looks like a mushroom.
- hydrocele that has not gone away since the injury 4 years ago.

I’ve gotten anxiety attacks, seen professionals, posted here… Ran the entire gamut. I’m at my end and cannot get over the damage I have inflicted upon myself. I’m 28 years old and single because I have such an issue with this. The idea of sex gives me anxiety when it used to be something I’d look forward to. I don’t know what to do anymore man — I’m close to giving up.

Dam man. I’m sorry to read this.

I don’t think your problem is irreversible. I inflicted major damage to my dick 10 years ago.

Through careful and mindful PE I’m 100 percent recovered and bigger / more functional than ever. See a doc about the hydrocele.

Feel free to look at my very first post and follow my story.

I was feeling very much like you. Now all that worry has passed.

First of all, please don’t give up. We may be strangers on the internet, but there are people in your life that care about you and love you, and they don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that.
You have a penis. It works. It may not be 100% what you want it to be, but it works. It gets hard, right?

There are so so so many men in this world who wish they had what you have even if you yourself aren’t happy with it.

You are not your penis and it shouldn’t define your whole existence. It shouldn’t even define your whole sex life. There are literally millions of people who have totally fulfilling sex lives without a penis involved at all. And we’re not even talking about that because you have a penis, and it gets hard, so you are capable of having sex.

I don’t know how much of your issues are physical and how much are psychological, but clearly if you’re contemplating giving up, a significant part is psychological. Have you sought therapy?
I think your first priority should be to find a good sex-positive therapist who you can talk to about what you’re going through and who can help you reframe some things. I think getting a different perspective on your issues will be very helpful. A lot more helpful than strangers on the internet.

You should also get your T checked again and follow up with a urologist about your injury. If you have low T, that can affect you negatively psychologically, as well as contribute to ED, so if there is an issue, that needs to be addressed.

How is your physical health?
Do you exercise on a regular basis?
How is your nutrition/diet?

Both of these can have a drastic effect on your mental well-being, as well as on your EQ.

Yo mate, as Richard said it, never give up. You’re way stronger than you think. Yes, you might have fallen this one time, but that’s an opportunity to get back on your feet, strengthened by experience.
Curved dick? As long as it’s not pointing back at you when erect, that’s no issue at all. Girls like curved penises. They loved mine and I have a curve, both upwards as well as to the left.
Depression? Get over it by doing stuff, whatever stuff keeps you busy. Don’t think about those issues that get you depressed.
Mushroom shape? Girls love that.
Hydrocele? Seek medical aid. This is the only real issue you’ve got and it’s more tied to the cost of medical assitance than the problem itself.
Low T? Just excercise, if it keeps low, then try medical assistance. Remember though, that Testosterone therapy might bring hair loss, but fuck that, baldy guys do get hot chicks, more often than not.

Think about this: your dick still works. So it’s not the end of the road and you should feed it pussy to become stronger. You’ll be amused at how little do girls care for dick size.
So again, stand back up man, we want to hear those cheerleaders chanting (moaning really), get up mate, get up! You can do it.

Appreciate it guys, thanks.

To answer your questions:
- yes, my penis does still work.
- low T was a one-time test, but it has since come back around the 450-550 range. That one time is something I still think about though… Basically I wonder if I did “minor” damage to the testes and I caught a screenshot of the damage in that one test, but haven’t caught it since (or it has fixed itself… who knows… but then we have the hydrocele which indicates damage or infection (no infection, I’ve been tested many times)). So I’m thinking it was damage.
- I am very strong and in shape, albeit could be better. Good genetics mixed with insecurity which gets me to the gym and to hit the pavement.
- Diet could always be better, but I am certainly mindful and my mom is a unreal cook that is also very healthy and in shape (living with my parents right now).
- I’ve seen two different therapists and one psychologist. The latter prescribed me a probiotic and 25mg Zoloft to get me back on my feet. He said the Zoloft is such a low dose that it probably won’t make much of a difference, but admittedly I’ve noticed a bit of a decrease in my general anxiety while on this (been taking it for a week or so now). I’m hoping the probiotic will also help.

Part of this is me wanting to be fixed instantly. I know that won’t happen, but it feels like nothing I’ll do will make a difference.

I saw a doctor about the hydrocele and that’s why he ordered the ultrasound because I told him about the testosterone coming back at 270 and he saw the labs. No cancer was found but I’m wondering if they somehow missed it? Otherwise I blame the Bathmate for the hydrocele — you really have to push that thing into yourself to get suction, and what happens is you push it all the way in because you’re trying to get it to go in, then it goes in and you’ve actually given the thing max pressure because a full “push-in” or whatever all the way down will give a seriously big vacuum effect, which is what happened to me. You’re supposed to lightly pump it in and out, not all the way. But that wasn’t in the directions.

Hope you get better bro.

Thanks JB…. I know this has been a back and forth with me. I appreciate the support. If anything it’s just nice to vent.