Epilator for Hair Removal
So, on the War on Pubic Hair, I finally decided to try an epilator.
Shaving is a hassle, and only seems to be satisfactory with a fresh razor or blade. That adds up after a while.
I had the shaving bump problem a lot of guys get. Using shaving gel instead of soap didn’t help. Supposedly the bumps are tiny staph infections, but I had a scalp infection a while back, and I tried the special shampoo for shaving. No more shaving bumps. Same thing for shaving my neck, too.
Depilatory cream - NADS - worked okay, but Mrs. Andy complained bitterly about the odor, which I admit is fairly stout.
I found a local place that does male pubic waxing, but it would be expensive on a biweekly schedule. The equipment isn’t expensive - a hot pot, paddles, wax, and cloth strips - and Mrs. Andy said she’d do it if I got the stuff. Then she decided she didn’t want to, and it wasn’t something I wanted to try blind. I was almost 100 pounds down by then, but still too fat to get a good view.
The “see what you’re doing” thing also nixed the idea of plucking.
I borrowed a “laser electrolysis” machine, which Mrs. Andy also decided she didn’t want to mess with. Apparently “electrolysis” is applied to any non-traditional hair removal process nowadays.
Real electrolysis, where they run a tiny wire alongside the hair and electrocute the root, would probably cost >$1000. That’s not within the budget.
I bought an “IPL” (Intense Pulsed Light) device, that basically uses a high power strobe light to put enough heat into the roots to kill them. Theoretically I’m an ideal subject - pale skin, black hair - but other than an occasional odor of burned hair and some sunburn, I can’t tell it does anything.
The next thing I tried was an epilator. The old ones were a kind of coil spring women ran down their arms and legs to remove hair. They’ve moved on a bit since them; rechargeable motor-driven devices with drums and mechanical tweezers. I bought a mid-priced one with a Remington brand. It’s waterproof and rated for use with pubic hair, too.
I have extremely thick pubic hair, and the hairs themselves are also thick; .005” or so, vs. .002-.003” for head hair, with deep roots, visibly larger than head hair. That’s pretty much a worse-case scenario for an epilator.
I had to let the hair grow out a bit to get to the recommended length, then I tried the device. It hurts like a sonovabitch. About half the time it just breaks the hair off above the skin. When it does pull them out by the roots, it leaves big red welts behind. Sometimes it just yanks the hell out of the hairs without breaking them off or pulling them out. That means it gets to go that over and over. Did I mention it hurts? After the endorphins kick in it’s not as bad, about like slamming your dick in a desk drawer, maybe.
I tried starting on my stomach and thighs where the hair is more sparse and working inward a bit at a time. The hairs are stubborn enough that really hasn’t worked all that well. Right now I have a slightly mangy look since I’ll spend ten or fifteen minutes and then give up each day.
Theoretically after you get epilated once, doing it again is easier, “because the hairs grow back finer and are more easily plucked.” That isn’t quite true; the hairs are tapered, and get wider at the base as they grow out, and will always grow back to full size. But every epilator article asserts that anyway.
The next plan is to try the depilatory cream again. When I’ve used that, the hair grew back in fine before filling out. When it gets to the correct length I’ll make one last go-round with the epilator and see how that works.
If that doesn’t work, I guess I’ll start researching old-school razors with double-edge blades. Some of the shaving wonks claim they’ll last longer than the disposables. Though I’m not interested in the paraphernalia and rituals, “…must use special shaving lather (NOT SOAP!!!) applied at exactly 119.3 Fahrenheit, applied with a brush made only from hairs from juvenile honey badger loins, and the edge of the razor must be oriented to within 0.75 degrees of true magnetic north…”