Hi wotsallthisthen,
Thankyou for filling in some of the blanks.
What follows is just my opinion based on similar experience to yours. Feel free to tell me where to get off.
I can’t promise it will be instant fix in your case - the word that springs to mind is rehabilitation. From your last post, it appears that tone of your life for the first half of the last 10 years could be summed up as out of focus. Then you started trying to sharpen up a little. This is a huge improvement. You dug a big hole, it may take a while to reach daylight, but you will.
Weed is a hugely psychoactive drug, especially the semiengineeredd stuff originating from the Netherlands. Amongst the weed smoking community, it is considered so right on, that no questioning of its health dangers is tolerated. Users of it always quote you the “fact” that it is not physically addictive. Asking them why they smoke it every day leeds to trouble, and if there is a “famine” they act like the world is coming to an end.
It often acts as a mood intensifier, and if taken daily in even moderate quantities, tends to lock a person into a minimalist set of reoccurring emotions. It gradually depresses the nervous system, but as there is usually a mellow feeling, the harm is not noticed immediately. IIRC, it suppresses some aspects of testosterone function in the male - not good for erections.
I don’t want to type for hours to explain the exact mechanism, but one of the problems with dope is paranoia. If for instance, while you were stoned you had a bad experience with a woman, if there was a heightened sense of anxiety or doom or fear or any other emotion at the time, then the next encounter with a woman could re-trigger the same set of feelings. I don’t know if this happened in your case, or on that subject, but I haven’t met many smokers who did not experience paranoia at least once.
Once you give up using the stuff, the negative affects begin to dissipate, but it’s not instant. The negative mental and emotional pathways and responses take longer, but things can only get better.
Interacting with loving helpful people is a huge help. On that note, I would say that from the way you tell it, the last girlfriend you had was not ideal for you. She may well be a nice person but probably has enough problems of her own, to keep her from giving you the love and support that you need. Also, she may be correct in her assumption that their is insufficient chemistry between the two of you. If you find a woman that makes you horny, chances are that it will be reciprocated. Especially in your numb state, if a woman make you horny, it probably means that the chemistry is breaking through, in spite of your less than optimum condition.
I used to think “everything is in the mind”, but while I still think the mind is at the very top of the list, over the last few years, I have been persuaded that hormones and general health play a huge part. Zaneblue, is probably the expert on sexy diets on this forum. She has written a health and diet book for women, that by all accounts can turn even the most dull housewife into a sex machine (she will probably tell me off for saying that).
In my opinion, what you need to do is boost your system. Cut out anything that drains it, and add things that energise. Apart from diet, I would cut down on solo ejaculation to once a week or even once every two weeks - not for ever, but for a few months to gauge the affect. What should happen is that you will, bit by bit, start to lust after women, and want to do something about it. If you do zane’s diet as well (I’m not sure if it needs modding for men), you will soon be “champing at the bit”.
When you jerk off, it is like you are building up pressure in your system, and then by ejaculating, you are releasing that pressure, so that the pressure level you end up with is less than what you started with. In your case, right now, you need all the pressure you can muster, don’t let it dribble away down the sink. Also, it takes a lot of trace elements and high quality proteins to make semen, so if you are not replenishing them, you will drain your vitality.
You mentioned kegels - good idea, but don’t go at it like a super stud, build it up, nice and slow. I have to put my marker down here and say I disagree with the guys who say do it every day whenever you have a spare moment, several times a day. A deliberate time set a side 3 or 4 times a week(and no more than 4) will firm up the muscles faster, and lead to less fatigue. In your case, fatigue is the enemy.
Keep posting, you will be an inspiration to many!