Has love driven me mad?

Ok, this may not seem like the typical sexual health problems seen here, but I do have a problem and I guess its of a sexual nature, so stick with me here…

On BBC Radio 2 this morning, in between their Sunday Love Songs, they were speaking about the three stages of love… Lust, Attraction and the Attachment. They gave all the scientific reasoning for each stage and said more info was avaliable on the BBC website, so I immediately looked it up as it had intrigued me. I had a strange feeling that I might find the answer to my recent problems of depression…

I have been suffering from depression for a while now and it has affected my revision for my uni exams this year. Although not finals they do add to my final grade and also say whether or not I can stay on this year. Unfortunately the people I have told about it seem quite unsympathetic, but with doctors and counsellors notes I should get through the exams, all be it with a lower grade than I want, but I should be able to stay on my course next year.

Anyway, I had not found the answer to my depression that is affecting so many areas of my life. I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t remember anything I do revise, I can’t sleep properly, I was off sex for a while, now I really need it all the time but I have no release; my sex drive is like a roller coaster ride! One day I want it, the next I think its disgusting! I also get angry a lot of the time. I want revenge but its not directed at anyone, except maybe myself, or at least part of myself - I mean whenever my mind would wander into a bad daydream (and I daydream quite a lot now) I would be fighting someone, or they would have started on me and it would end up with me killing them or maiming them and then catching a glimpse of their face and its me! :-k Wow… I already feel better for writing that (before even posting this) as I haven’t even been able to tell my ex-girlfriend or counsellor about that, but I can tell you guys! That leads me onto another thing, it made me split up with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years, although I may have been looking for a way out anyway, and the depression made me feel bad enough to just give up and get out.

So thats how I’ve been feeling, but what did I find on the website? Did I find the answer that I had a strange feeling I’d find? Well possibly. In the six page saga, one page in particular drew my attention. "Does Love Drive You Mad?"

This could be a possiblity for me I think… there was someone I started getting to know better who I find attractive and fun to be around, and… I guess I like her a lot more than any other female friends I have :-k . But I wouldn’t have split up with my gf for someone else… although as I said I was fed up with that relationship, so maybe I would :confused: And besides, you can’t fall in love that quickly can you? I thought I’d have to be in a relationship with a person before I could actually love them?

Basically I just wrote this to rant away some of my stresses as I just need to get it off my chest to people I can tell the whole story to because you won’t judge me like "real world" friends might, and because there are some things even "real world" friends want to keep hidden from each other. But if anyone wants to chime in with what I should do after my exams are out the way, or wants any more details so they can tell me what to do… I’ve just become tired, drained both mentally and physically with the stress I’ve been under all year with coursework and other crap meaning I’ve not had ANY time for myself this year (that’s what makes me think its not love-sickness because the stress, but not necessarily depression, has been all year, not just since I’ve gotten to know her). So I need decisions made for me. I guess I’d like to know if I should persue anything with this girl? I know she’s single, we speak about personal stuff to each other, and although my vision has been clouded somewhat of late, I think she at least kinda likes me… but then again this could lead to further depression, not just if I were to get rejected I feel.

I know I need to concentrate on myself for a while, but can’t do that until after the exams either, and that just pisses me off because I can’t revise properly until I’m sorting upstairs, but I can’t sort myself out until the exams are out of the way, so I just won’t do all that well :( So I won’t be persuing any relationships until I’m sorted, but should I bother anyway after I have sorted myself out? Another thing thats going to get in my way of "Me Time" will be the ex. She’s doing exams too (we’re at uni together) and she wants to talk about us after the exams when she thinks I’ll have time to think properly. But I already know I’m going to tell her a big fat "NO" but it’ll still interfere with my mind for a while…

Oh well, at least I know someone else I can have some fun with and with no commitment straight after the exams! But it’s not the same gal I mentioned above… oh what to do…? :-k

The Science of Love

Sorry about the long post, but I needed to get it out of me, even if no one reads it! :p

Well, if you get involved with the “fun and no commitment”-gal and it comes out it’ll blow any chances with Ms. Possible. Also probably not good for sorting out even if you had no Ms. Possible lined up.

The ex is unavoidable. Accept facts, but refrain from mudslinging or “my fault - your fault”.

Ms. Possible? Who knows? But just being single and nice is not the only prerequisites for a functioning relationship. What else is there that draws you to her? You have to reach a minimum level of sortedness before getting involved, but no one is fully sorted ever (I guess) so one can’t postpone relationships for ever.

Nightmare - the recurring dreams / nightmare I’ve had have in hindsight been fairly descriptive of the situation at the time. So I guess a fair interpretation of that dream is that you are very unhappy about yourself as you are now. The reasons for why is something I’d be thinking about.

Best of luck on your journey of what Ziggaman so eloquently dubbed “pulling at one’s self”.

They left out the stage that is called “limerance;” when all you can think of is the other and being with that person. That doesn’t last, but it does often cement a relationship, making for a more reasonable sharing of time and experience at a future stage.

Limerance is enormous fun, it just isn’t practical in the rest of life. If you were always in limerance, your job would suffer, as would outside friendships, family ties perhaps, too. But, oh, it is a lovely place to be while it does last.

Thanks a lot mgus. A lot of insight there. I’d completely ignored the fact that these daydreams could mean I’m unhappy with myself. I’m not normally so blind. I mean, I knew they were a way of chanelling anger towards myself (thankfully not getting anywhere near self harming) but I failed to wonder why I;m angry at myself.

I know I need to concentrate on loving myself for the time being. Falling out of love can cause depression too, and right now I’ve fallen out oflove with myself.

I shan’t avoid the ex either, just the thinking of a way to explain why I won’t want to get back with her is too much to think about for me right now, considering I’ve told her all the reasons I thought before, and I’m sure there are some threads around here that contain some of my reasoning, too, in having described some of my break-up before. And no, the reasoning isn’t due to this Ms. Possible… I went into deep thought about why I wasn’t happy and came up with a number of reasons, none of which involved her. I mean I was interested in looking elsewhere, but only because I wasn’t happy where I was (and had to get out because I would never cheat) whereas if I had been in a relationship that was completely right for me looking else where would neverhave crossed my mind.

Thanks a lot :)

I think maybe they meant “limerance” instead of the attraction stage:

They must have meant limerance in fact, because technically it all starts with some form of attraction, otherwise it wouldn’t even get to the lust stage, so I think they just got their words mixed up.

I’m sure there’s some attraction there on her part too as I’ve said, but then again I did also say that could be down to my vision being fogged, or my mind playing tricks on me due to my down-ness. I guess being down could swing my view of the situation either way, either I think noone could like me and miss any signs, or I have too much hope and think everything is a sign even when its not… I hope its actually somewhere in between!

Anyway, I’ve been trying to think of an answer to “what else draws me to her?” but no luck yet. Although thats probably because its late and I’ve been revising so long my brain has turned to mush. All I know is there’s something about her… maybe its just instincts :p

When clear my mind is, meditate on it I will.

Ok I screwed up… I screwed “fun and no commitment”-gal! Actually I didn’t screw up at all. No guilty feelings from me for anyone. She’s fine about it. Best BJ ever because she actually went for it unlike the pitifull flicks of the tongue my ex gave it. All in all it was really what I needed. I hadn’t realised a decent blowjob was all I needed since becoming sexually active! Well it feels like that now anyway! :p But seriously, I am a lot calmer and less stressed now. I’ll have to see what I’m like once my exams are over to know if I’m still stressed as I’m keeping my emotions sealed away for now, but a decent shag was the order of the day for stress relief during this tough time! :bigwink:

It was also the first time for trying sex with my frenum piercing. I had to wear a condom, even though we’re both clean of any STDs, because she was so tight it felt like it was gonna tear it out on entry. But I was still more aware of that area of my dick than before! :D Hopefully there’ll be a few more times with her, so we don’t get bored while we’re waiting for our next relationships ;)