I would appreciate some feedback...

This maybe sportsguy in 25 years….

I need advice. My wife of almost 25 years is very cool when it comes to sex and general displays of warmth and affection. We rarely even kiss much more than a peck hello or goodbye.

In the bedroom she rarely initiates sex, and if she does it’s the same old fondle me with her hands until I get an erection and then it’s all up to me. No kissing, only missionary position and very little response from her during intercourse verbally or otherwise. This all needs to take place in as dark a place a possible.

My wife has a dynamite figure that she works hard at keeping. Even so, I rarely see her (any of her) naked. She makes no attempt to wear anything provocative to bed, and will often get mad at me if I walk in when she’s dressing.

For years I have satisfied her orally, and then had intercourse with her on the bottom. I have always enjoyed kissing and fondling and foreplay. But she is so unresponsive to any type of this activity. Once in a great while she will make a half-hearted attempt at giving me oral sex, but only for a very short time and she’s obviously not into it. She has admitted to me at times verbally but certainly through her long term actions, that sex is not that important to her.

Our sex life was not always this dull, when we were first married and during the early years of our marriage sex for us was fairly good, although things did seem to cool off quickly and fall into the above pattern.

I’m sure that certain questions about me come to mind. Yes I shower daily. Yes I brush my teeth. Yes I try to be a warm loving compassionate husband when she’s overwhelmed with daily life activities. Yes I do my share of the work around the house and with our kids etc…

I have obviously at times, tried to discuss my feelings with my wife. Normally just bringing up the topic of sex is met with her getting irritated and us ending up in a fight. I just have a hard time living with the fact that this is the way it is, and the way it’s going to be. It seems like in a healthy love relationship sex and otherwise is about giving and making your partner feel like they are special to you. Communication and a desire to fulfill each other’s needs seem paramount in any working relationship.

At this point I’m literally freaking out. I am 46 years old and not ready for the sex life of a much older person, not to mention that outside the bedroom there’s not much compassion for me. Sometimes I feel like a piece of the furniture. I am seriously considering divorce, but I really have hoped not to break up my family that way.

She doesn’t believe there’s a problem. She thinks I am oversexed. Am I? I would settle for 2X per week if the quality was there. I say that I am pretty normal. It’s not just the sex. There is something much deeper here, be it physical or emotional. As long as she doesn’t see a problem, we will always be stuck in the same rut.

Are all women like this?

EZ-2,

Thats an interesting story, i know what its like when your partner goes off you in this way, but not for 25 years, jeez, I believe you when you say you are freaking out. Are you registered at PEForum.net? There’s a post in the ‘best post’ section called ‘speed seduction for wives’, where a guy posted mostly the same post as you, and he got some great advice and web links to look at. Its about 80 posts long or something, so I would definitely give that a read.

If she doesnt show you affection like hugs and what-not, and she gets mad when you see her undressing then there is a problem on her side or the relationship. I dont know what it is though! Maybe she doesnt either. Maybe she lost confidence in herself and doesnt like to be touched (or looked at), maybe thats why she works out all the time.

I’m not really in a position to give a married man advice on his sex life, being a 21yr old virgin :) But there it is FWIW.

Good Luck
SS4

EZ-2;

First off, at 46 you have a very long sexual life ahead of you. As you age, more and more effective impotence drugs will be developed such that if you were to have erectile difficulties when you are older, there will be easy solutions. “the sex life of an older person” now is nothing like it was a generation ago.

Since you are at the point of thinking divorce and the two of you cannot even discuss the quality of your sex life without a fight and you seem to lean toward staying in the marriage, outside counseling sounds to me like the best option. If you choose to do that, locate the best therapist you can who has experience both in marital counseling and sexual counseling. The therapist must be someone both you and your wife like and are comfortable with.

If in couseling your experience is anything like mine was with my wife, be prepared to learn some things about yourself and about her that will be difficult to digest. We had to learn how to fight fair together, how to _really_ listen to each other. I ended up going through a process of personal reassessment that was both painful and enriching. The marriage continued after therapy in a new way and was far more satisfying to both of us for another 6 years. We divorced, but not for the reasons we sought therapy in the first place.

If your wife absolutely refuses to participate in couples’ therapy, take that as a clear message that your life with her is not going to change from what it is now and that in order to be happy you may need to make the radical decison.

I cannot offer better advice then you got from Avocet8 and SS4Jelq, both are mature and excellent observations.

Here is the link to that must-read thread of Bib’s:

Bib’s shut- her- down technique (most excellent thread)

Thanks guys. Appreciate the responses. We have done the counseling thing 3 seperate times and for each time many sessions over the years.

My experience with counselors is everyone talks, everyone listens, nobody but me tries to make any changes. In other words it has rarely motivated her to make the effort. And frankly, if she has to “make an effort” what does that say about our relationship. I want to please her, and would love if she would communicate with me. It’s just not a reciprocal thing. Sex to her seems to be all about accommodation. You know, “if we have to do it lets just get this over with.”

In my early years I had girlfriends who loved sex, the give and take kind. Was it because they were young and horney? Or do all women “pull the plug” after marrige or as time goes by as they get older. This for me has been more of a gradual thing. It’s really got me bummed.

EZ-2,
I’ve been married 19 years myself. I’m 38, she’s 39. I have several suggestions that I hope don’t seem too simplistic, and, of course, sincerely wish to help, not cause offense.
First of all, my wife and I had a love life that stank a little over a year ago. We were avoiding each other sexually, yet sexually tense. For the past year, we’ve been kissing, hugging,laughing, talking, and fucking fucking fucking. The suggestions I have are things I’ve either experienced personally, seen in others or researched in books and such:

1. Hormones.
Afer 35, women start experiencing drastic hormonal changes that continue until the onset of menopause. Many times they simply have estrogen levels that are too high, and are in need of extra progesterone(available by prescription or over the counter) to balance out that excess.
There is no way that things are going to “happen” sexually unless her hormone levels are in a normal range. This is the physical side of the low libido problem that often gets overlooked. You might want to go to a doctor and have hers tested, though levels can very a great deal even in one day.

My wife just read your post and she says that if your wife has had a hysterectomy, be SURE she gets her HRT-hormone replacement therapy, and the levels are correct for her. If she hasn’t had a hysterectomy(actually even if she has), a little extra testosterone can do wonders for sexual libido. It has for my wife—she takes it in the form of Damiana and it really helps to keep her pretty horny. If your wife would like to email my wife about the subject of hormones here at thunder’s, that’d be great. Take it from me, if you have this problem, it is well worth solving :bigwink:

2. Romance.
I imagine you are well aware of this, and may be more experienced/knowledgeable than I am concerning this, but in case you’re not or just plain have forgotten, women(especially for old married folk like us) NEED affection/romance/attention throughout the day, in order to function sexually. And I don’t mean in a demanding or slot machine (put quarters in all day=jackpot tonight!) manner, because they will know that you aren’t really interested in them—just want the sex that affection brings. My dad couldn’t(or wouldn’t) figure that very important fact out in 40 years to my mom. His egocentricity left him clueless. He failed to kiss her, tell her of his love, surprise her in romantic little ways. Then at night he wanted to jump her bones. Well she wasn’t interested and would be peeved at him…
Anyways, you may not even have that problem, so forgive me if you don’t.
Surprise her with a passionate kiss, hug her and tell her she is the only woman for you…then just walk away, and let her ponder all that. If that doesn’t do something for her, you might well have a real problem here.

3. Exta stimuli.
I believe that after a certain age, most of us are in need of some extra sexual stimuli in order to maintain our libido levels and keep our minds sufficiently on sex. This can come in many forms.

A. Reading a romance novel can REALLY get a woman’s motor running usually. You could buy her one and see what happens:)
Even stronger, erotica to the extent that your beliefs permit. On the web there are erotica sites devoted to married couples like yourselves that even a priest wouldn’t object to. This has REALLY helped my wife and I with our sex drives. I can’t stress that enough.

B. Feel/look physically attractive. My wife and I BOTH lost alot of weight, started lifting/running regularly, bought fashionably youthful clothing that compliments both our new figures. I got a new hair style, differnt glasses, a tan and a bigger penis thanks to PE. She changed her hair color, started tightening her vaginal muscles with a kegel device, and improved her sexual hormone levels.

C. Communicate, including about sex. Our “therapist” comes in the form of a questionaire. I’ll answer her questions at the computer, and leave some for her to read and answer the following night. MAN, the things I’ve learned from and about her this way, that would be impossible to find out otherwise. For some reason, my wife becomes so much less inhibited when she can write to me as opposed to talking. Now I know more about her tastes, INCLUDING her turn-offs. You have to be honest for this to work, though. The good part is that it is so much easier to be honest in print for some reason?!!

D. Do fun sexual things. Women DO like variety, my wife assures me. Some of the things we do that makes our love life go from tolerable to being a blast (and you can’t chicken out here if you really want to progress):

No matter how embarrasing, visit a porn shop-to get her to agree to do this, tell her you’ll let HER pick out just what she wants and you’ll bring it up to the desk and pay without a word of protest ( be prepared- it might be a 12” pink vibrating dildo!) :) If you just can’t do this, try e-bay or some discreet online place or even a drugstore.

Try a photo “shoot”. I took the neatest pictures of my wife the other day. It really make her feel sexy. Once, I filmed a themed movie of myself masturbating to a big clamax—she was so turned on the next night when she saw it, that she returned the favor and made one for me.

Different sexual positions are very important to my wife, though yours might not be this way. She also likes different locations. These two simple common ideas have stemmed alot of sexual boredom between us.

Hope you can use some of this, EZ, anybody who can stay married for 25 years deserves a break:)

Speaking from experience here.

My marriage of 24 years has come to an end, thankfully.

I was discussing things with my doctor the other day and we came to the conclusion that sex drive is based on the following areas:

Overall health
Health of relationship
Hormonal Balance —- Hers
Romance
Incorportation of the largest sex organ of the body, the brain.
Communication that is open and honest

If your wife is not menapausal, and she is healthy, begin looking at the other areas. As Avocet8 pointed out, if your relationship is already rocky, sex is going to be the last thing on her mind.
Communicate, listen, hear what she is saying, and she should do the same for you. Counseling might be the answer here, there could possibly be a miscommunication between the two of you causing the problems.

Sex is not limited to dark places and without feelings. It should be an extension of the emotional love you feel for each other and wish to share that. Eyes should be open during sex and lights should be on so that each of you can share the experience with the other. Foreplay should start in the morning and last all day long. Little notes, phone calls, just reaching out and gently caressing need to be in place.

Oh, well, enough of my being on the soap box.

What great advice! I went through a similar situation as EZ-2 and made a lot of personal changes. What worked for me was to show genuine inteterest in every facet of my wife’s life. I also started sending cards, flowers and giving foot and back rubs. We have come a long way together in a short time. Sex is terrific, although, due to her pursuing a PhD and having three kids in the house, we don’t get as many opportunuties as we would like.

I would say - - - - give it a good try from your side for about a year. Focus attention and interest on her every day. Learn how and give her good foot, neck and back rubs often. Leave her notes and little presents around the house. If she feels like she is the center of your life, you may become the center of hers.

If that fails, there are a lot of women out there who would like to be with a man like you.

Good luck.