Hi 1hunglow. Couldn’t help but really feel for you on this one!! In reading your two pieces and the other’s excellent responses, I was struck by how much of this I can relate to first-hand. Having been in both the places of your son and a father, I felt compelled to weigh in on this whole matter. Hope you don’t mind.
First a little background. I was the middle child in the shadow of both an older and a younger sibling who were brilliant, talented, and driven. Like your son and his girlfriend, I was the rebel underdog who was always a bit unsure of his own talents, skills, and attractiveness. Also like your son, I grew up as a small-town, street-wise kid who has always had a penchant for getting himself involved with women who have “lots of problems” (even though those problems are usually not apparent to me until it’s too late!). There have been a couple of notable exceptions where I was seriously involved with someone who did NOT have problems, but as I said, they were the exception rather than the rule for me.
In my younger days, I was the leader of an R&B/rock band who competed successfully against other bands whose members were 5-10 years our senior. In fact, we often played venues where, as would-be patrons, we would have been too young to get in the door. LOL. It provided me with many opportunities to hook up with older girls/women, and, as a result, was a constant source of trouble in my life. There were “romantic” pursuits by a good number of older girls and at least one married women a decade older than me. I will share just one of those stories…the first one of these.
The female lead singer of a popular regional band in our area took a fancy to me, and, long story short, I found myself helpless against her intense feminine charms and her strong personality. The problem was that I was only 14 years old and she was a very mature (worldly-wise) 17 year old with a brand new Mustang and no curfew. Notes passed at school and hours on the telephone soon turned into secret rendezvous with “adult content” activities.
My parents were rightfully concerned about what was going on, and forbade me to see her. So, I would pretend to go to bed after dinner, and then sneak out of the house and stay out with her most of the night. I got caught many times, and was grounded, punished, and lost all privileges. But, the more restrictions they put on me, the harder I worked to get around them and be with my “partner in crime”. When you are thinking with the little head instead of the big head, logic and common sense never prevail.
Though my parents had the best of intentions, all of their efforts to curtail my elicit romance were counter-productive. There is just something about “forbidden fruit” that makes it all the more attractive (Look at Romeo and Juliet). Had they openly acknowledged and accepted this girl and my relationship with her, it probably would have run its course sooner, and might have simply fizzled out (though I don’t know this for a fact).
All I know for certain is that their determination to keep us apart bonded my g/f and me into a sort of fatal attractions partnership. Because neither of us were very mature, we both did things to betray the relationship, and it eventually crashed and burned on its own. But I have to tell you that we very nearly got stuck in a permanent predicament before that happened. And, had my family not moved 500 miles away after the break-up, we might have gotten back together. There are great risks involved, whichever way you go, as a parent, in a situation like this. I think things like prayer, family counseling, and VERY open communications are essential tools for the “project” you face!!
I want to add that as I got older and switched from becoming involved with older women to having relationships with younger women, things did not necessarily improve. You need to mentally prepare yourself for the very real possibility that your son may continue to have “issues” of this nature most of his life. It is possible to overcome these tendencies, but I have not been completely successful in that endeavor through a half century of living…even though I am aware of the problem.
I was married to a women who was bulimic, and was eventually diagnosed with BPD and a side-order of Bipolar thrown in for good measure. I was also engaged to a woman who had tendencies toward anorexia and exhibited the classic symptoms of BPD (though she was never diagnosed, to my knowledge). And, while it is true that they tend to “dump” (or chase away)their lovers for imaginary and and/or exaggerated misdeeds (as TT pointed out), and many times simply destroy relationships they feel unworthy of, they also tend to obsess over lost or former loves, and often try to revisit or re-establish those relationships (sometimes going to scary extremes, in the process). Being more mature now, and having a well-developed sense of self-preservation and a determination to protect my children, I am well able to ward off such attempts. Your son does not have the advantage of having reached that level of “groundedness” yet. If and when they break up, consider such options as moving or placing him in a military or boarding school type arrangement for a year or so to help construct a wall of protection against further entanglements with this young woman.
I am sorry this was so long, and I doubt that it was much help. But, I wanted you to know that you are not alone, facing a unique situation. It is all too common. The good news is that with your love and guidance, your son can survive this current problem, and will hopefully carry some valuable lessons away that can help him in the future. Because of his personality, birth order, world-view, and so much more, he will likely always have a “different” sort of life than your other two sons. But this is not a BAD thing!! Cherish him for his uniqueness, and love him in spite of the challenges he may face. He will likely be a very special person in our world, and we need him to help round out the face of humanity.
bigjack
I won’t be content until I’ve earned the name!
