Performance Anxiety and resulting PAIN

Please move this to the Sexual Health forum.

I have always wondered about this problem, thought it must be a normal consequence but recently I have become less sure. Bear with me, it’s a little difficult to explain.

Every time I am with someone new, I am nervous and ‘conflicted’ about what I am doing, how to proceed, etc etc. As a result, I either achieve no erection at all, or erections that fade before I can do anything useful with them. This is only a problem until I get comfortable with someone, at which point the problem ceases. The time it takes to get ‘comfortable’ has steadily decreased with each new girl, from about 3 months with my very first girlfriend to about 2 weeks / 3 or 4 visits with the girl I’m seeing at the moment. I’ve accepted that this is perfectly normal, and I’m just not confident enough to be a one night stand kind of guy. I explain this to the girl, the problem sorts itself out (now) within a relatively short time, and I experience great sex.

HOWEVER, it is the times when I am still getting comfortable with someone that can cause me a great deal of pain! If I keep trying to have sex while in this ‘conflicted’ state (ie kissing touching etc whilst all the while worrying, slowly working myself into a situation where nothing will ever happen :P) then about 10 minutes after the session, when I start moving around again, a dull but very painful ache will slowly come in. If I just said “this isn’t going to happen”, and immediately stopped everything as soon as I knew I was going to go into this type of mental self-defeating spiral, there would probably be no resulting pain, but I have not verified this.

It is focused mainly in two spots over my pubic bone, above and to the left and right of my penis. There is some pain in my testes but it is these two other random spots which are most painful.

I think perhaps they might be my lymph nodes, but I just can’t seem to find any information saying that attempting to achieve an erection in a ‘troubled’ state causes pressure in lymph nodes! I know this sounds weird.my own little theory for it has always just been my autonomic nervous system in a ‘fight or flight’ state induced by my nerves, conflicting with my sexual response and desire, for an extended period of time.and that this somehow causes tension in the area. But that was entirely my own musings, and recently I’ve been trying to discover some scientific reason for it! I’ve looked up prostatitis, STDS etc. (But this problem occurred with the first girl I was with, who I never actually ended up sleeping with as a consequence of nerves generally).

I also surmised maybe it was some buildup of ‘pressure’ which has been defeated by my inability to maintain erection/cum in these situations.but I have masturbated afterwards whilst in this painful state in an attempt to ‘relieve’ it, only to find that: ejaculation became extremely painful, it feels like I’m peeing while I cum, and I’m even more sore in those ‘lymph node’ spots afterwards (the pain ramps up very quickly!).

I’d be very interested to know if anyone else experiences a similar problem. I had completely forgotten about it, having been comfortable with my previous girlfriend for almost 2 years.but now with a new girl, back it comes again. Performance anxiety is one thing, but the pain is fricken annoying! Ideally I’d like to completely get rid of the problem so I can actually see people casually having become newly single..

Thanks guys, hope this doesn’t all sound completely bizarre, but it’s taken about an hour to get all my thoughts out in this way! Someone please tell me they get the same thing! :P

Performance Anxiety is very common, particularly with new partners, but I’ve never heard of it actually hurting following erection failure - unless you are getting some weird manifestation of “blue balls”?

Here’s a suggestion that might help you by-pass the syndrome, whatever it is, and be more confident with new partners. Ask your doctor (and tell him what happens) for either Viagra or Levitra. Take one or the other before a new date. Food intake is much less a problem with Levitra so if dinner is planned, maybe that would be the better choice. Even with that one, though, avoid very fatty food.

The drug will get you over the temporary Performance Anxiety phase you experience. Take it again before the next date and maybe the third. After that you won’t need the drug and can store it away in case the relationship doesn’t pan out and you find yourself with a new girl again.

If this pain thing happens only in conjunction with a new-date failure, it may be psychosomatic. The pills might bypass the problem altogether, you feeling more confident that the date and the sex are going to go well. If you experience this at other times (no new date) you do need to get it checked out with a urologist. No reason to suffer if you don’t have to.

Hmm. Thanks for you well considered response. I do have some Viagra, but I am very reluctant to use it as I think it would very quickly become a psychological crutch for me when overall I don’t really need it. I was hoping for a non-drug solution or hopefully some similar stories from other people so I can feel less odd :)

I don’t know about the pain being psychomatic.it is a dull ache that fades in and it is actually really painful - driving and walking can become agonizing, and most of the time I have to lie down for half an hour until it gets a little better. When I wrote this message yesterday, there was no pain 12 hours after the event, but I could still feel a slight pain in that area upon masturbation. It is fine after the nights sleep.

I explained the situation to the girl I’m seeing at the moment, there was a few times like this, then a few great times, then yesterday the problem recurred as we took a while to get into it which generally seems to start me either worrying or getting fatigued, I’m not sure. I have done PC exercises most days for about 3 years, but still feel quite weak in that area, could this have anything to do with it?

“I have done PC exercises most days for about 3 years, but still feel quite weak in that area, could this have anything to do with it?”

I don’t see how.

Psychosomatic pain can hurt as much as real injury pain.

Whatever, get it checked out. And don’t worry about using the V. You can’t get hooked that quickly, psychologically. You have your normal erectile response intact once you have become comfortable with your women; we toss crutches when we no longer need them - or store them in the attic for later, if we should need them again.

Don’t be so quick to put out! Sounds odd I know, but it might help.

How about getting into a situation where you have plenty of four play but have decided ahead of time that you will not be having intercourse?

Yeah, you should try that. Set yourself this goal: “I will not have sex! ” . It worked for me, and in a few weeks I was cured.