Performance Anxiety or What?

The first time I almost got laid with this girl I couldn’t get it up. But I also had a lot of alcohol that time. The second time, I had a lot of alcohol too… so I couldn’t get it up either. We then cuddled naked and slept and I woke up with a raging erection and we had sex with a condom. This was actually the first time I had sex. But after penetration, I knew for sure that I wasn’t at my hardest and I was worried about it. But my orgasm came nonetheless (which surprised me).

So tonight with this girl, I was hard, but she was sleepy so after a little fooling around, we slept. I was pretty much through varying stages of hardness while we were cuddling and I found it hard to sleep because of it. But anyways like 5 hours later we start fooling around again. I was hard off and on through this. Then she asked me whether or not if I was just going to tease her the whole night. So I went got a condom. I was only like 1/3 hard though mentally turned on. I willed myself into an erection. Then when I put my cock in her, it felt really good but the second I pulled out to change position, I went limp.

Ugh. She was very understanding and all but I felt like shit. Whenever I managed to get myself erect (by manual stimulation), it would go away like 2 seconds after I stopped.

So I’m wondering if it’s fully perfomance anxiety or what? The other thing I can think of is the fact that she likes the lights really low which means I can’t really see much. But the thing is when she left, I tried to jerk off, and I couldn’t get hard. Then I tried watching some porn and it was still REALLY difficult to get hard. Whatever it is, any way to help it?

99.9% chance that it is anxiety. After a success or two, the performance anxiety should fade away.

And in case you don’t know - alcohol impairs sexual performance.

Yeah, I know alcohol does. So I’m starting to think that the first few times gave me this anxiety of “What if I can’t get it up?”

I guess I’ll just have to take it slow and get over it. Pretty depressing having this problem though. I definitely started to overthink myself last night. and I wish I didn’t have to use a condom! :)

Hey Jonny watch the “i”

J-
Since you joined in 2001 and it’s now 2005, I assume you’re 22 as you must be 18 to join Thunders.

It sounds like you are caught up in a performance anxiety feedback loop. Tomorrow night make her dinner at your place. Crack a decent bottle of red and you drink no more than one glass.

Make the entire evening about her- don’t even think about your winkie. Set the table nicely, put on some downtempo beats- personally I’m partial to Enigma, Massive Attack, Thievery Corp- and light some candles.
Make the entire meal about seducing her- there is nothing like making love [I.e., seducing] a woman who has already decided she wants to share your bed. Don't rush, don’t be in a hurry and don't get hammered!
When you finally fall into bed together, don't even think about sticking it in for at least 30 minutes, preferably a full hour.
What oh what will you do for all that time.
Make love to her. Kiss her. Touch her. Caress her. If you have any massage skills, give her a foot rub, a hand or face massage- anywhere but her boobies or her coochie- actually avoid her glutes also.
If you can manage it, have her lie with her head in your lap and spend your time making love to her above the chest- her throat, her lips, her eyes and forehead.

All this leads up to dedicated cunnilingus. And enjoy it. Don’t think of it as a quick way station to fucking, it isn’t a means to an end. It is it’s own purpose and that’s how you need to approach it.

Do you like going down on a woman? If so, then we’re in luck. If not, why not.

Why am I encouraging you to focus so much attention on her? Because it’s once you forget yourself that you can find yourself. Don’t even think about your winkie- just ride the wave of sex energy- the rest will take care of itself.

In sum, don’t stress.

Like Frankie said, “Relax!”

Thanks for the advice. I’m actually a bit older than that, but still in later 20s. The problem’s not a physical thing since like I said, I was initially getting hard very easy (and I masturbate several times a week). Though even now I have some problem cuz it’s playing with my mind.

This last time, I didn’t have any alcohol at all. As for the cunnilingus, she didn’t want me to give her any. I’m pretty sure I would love doing it to her because I like the taste of her. But whenever I would try, she would push me away with “some other time.” During breaks in foreplay she kept on asking me “so, are you just going to keep teasing me or what?”

But yeah, I think the best thing I could do is not expect to have sex unless I really feel up for it (no pun intended) and have her not really expect it from me. It sucks though. I was expecting to go a couple times too and instead I couldn’t even go once. The more I think about it though, the more sure I am it stems from the first two times where I couldn’t get hard from the alcohol and now it’s totally on my mind. Because I was fully hard when I penetrated her, but I was thinking about how I had to get myself hard in the first place. Then when I entered her, I thought about how great it felt, THEN thought about “damn, I hope I don’t lose it!” Then when I pulled out I thought, “Oh God! I’m going to lose it aren’t I?” And sure enough I did.

Bummer. I’ll take the advice and just relax. I guess a lot of the worry though was that she might take it as an insult. :(