Touchy subject - can't satisfy my woman

esac

You are fortunate that your woman is not one to lie about and fake orgasms. How can sex possibly improve if she has made you think you were already a sex god?

It is true that many women may be satisfied just with the intimacy of the act without the orgasm - I have been told this and seen it referenced many times.

Dr Ruth Westheimer says that the attitude is that every one is responsible for their own orgasm. That may mean that they must see that they get the type of stimulation that they need for it.

After reading through this thread it sounds like the main problem is a medication. Probably an SSRI.

Some possible solutions:

-Is a drug still needed?

-Can the dosage be reduced?

-Can it be changed to one with less or no sexual side effects.

-Trazadone or wellbutrin are two examples of drugs with no effect on ability to orgasm - in fact they have been noted to restore the ability to orgasm in persons who could not be taken off SSRI’s when simply added to the regimen (Although I think simply switching to one of them would be a preferable alternative if appropriate).

Mr.Hook, :)

You make it sound as if she could scan her brain and pinpoint the malfunction and mend the problem. What is the solution to this problem? If it is in her head, does she seek a therapist to figure out why she won’t overcome whatever to achieve an orgasm?

I think, even if it is in her head, it will take more than the assumption that she’ll have to work on “fixing” the problem to achieve what both of them may want. Having that bonus pressure of assuming she could possibly be blocking her own pleasure doesn’t help. So to me, it’s not really just her responsibility, it is both of theirs. Ultimately, it will fall on her, but assistance can never hurt.

And with your theory about it all being in her head, I will apply this scenario to myself. I don’t achieve an orgasm every time I have sex. Is this a mental thing? I mean no sarcasm, I just want to understand. Education is always something someone could receive regardless of where they are.

Anyway, I can orgasm each and every time my husband performs oral sex on me. The handy dandy clitoral stimulation. Yet, no matter how aroused I still am when vaginal penetration begins and no matter how wet and sexually satisfied I may be, I do not always achieve an orgasm. What would be mentally blocking my orgasm? Is it the fact that I don’t like sex? Don’t think that is it. Could it be my husband is not the ideal size I desire? Possible, but I’ve had men who were and still no orgasm. Could it be I haven’t matured sexually? If I haven’t at 33 then when will I? I can ask myself all kinds of questions to unlock the door that is hiding the reasoning behind my orgasm (less) sexual experiences.

I just chalk it up as a fact of life. There are tons of women like me. Enjoying sex without a climax. A movie with no end. It doesn’t hinder me from enjoying sex. Sure, I would love to have an orgasm, vaginally each and every time I have sex.

Seriously, if it is her (our) responsibility since it could all be in our head, what do you think the solution could be aside from just making it our responsibility.?

Anna

It sounds like your experience is not uncommon at all. Many women cannot orgasm from penetration. It sounds like you do at least sometimes. I wouldn’t get self conscious over this. Very normal patterns.

why is it often that ‘penis size’ comes first as an alleged reason for unsatisfactory sex ?

Ok.we’re on a penis enlargment forum - so i wont speak AGAINST a bigger dick…everyone wants one :)

But sometimes i cant help and THINK that maybe some people should just learn to be better lovers, better in bed and more creative than blaming everything on a little too small dick. If your wife/gf has problems then try different things…and als ask her what she likes etc..what turns her on. Penis size is very likely NOT the reason your gf cant cum….
Edit: intercourse <> sex. Can be…doesn’t have to. Just be creative people :)

easy my man,

calm down its simple.
concentrate.
concentrate on ur pubic bone during intercourse rather than ur crazy feelings during sex.
put pressure on her clit. rub with your whole body movements.
connect with her heart not her beautiful arousing body.
more foreplay man!
discover each others masturbating techniques…. find what she likes..

man discover its home not something to be afraid of.

enjoy and she will.. be confident

Can I ask this….with your permission.

you really love her, she is really hot for you?
And the same question…from her point of view.

Or you are trying to adjust things good…but
there are problems in the relation?

NOt specific sexual problems…is the alchemy between
two people that must be considered at first.
Mental, is important…like phisical.
THe way you are is unique.
What is good for one, is bad for another.
I tryed to let things work well with some girls
but our alchemy was…not so good………
even if I tryed again and again!

You think at your girl, you desire her all the day?
YOu feel…. she does the same with you?

If everything is nice between you & her
things will go well in the future.
YOu embrace her often?????? YOu feel the urge to do that,
to caress her, to talk togehter???????
YOu like her way to be, you trust her
you love and admire her?
It’s reciprocal?

She is able to have orgasm alone?
Maybe is only stressed or have this medicine problem.

Only my opinion…I hope to have said something useful…

Hey iqax,

Do me a favor and give the Forum Guidelines a quick read when you have time. Thanks!!

Hey bro try a vibrating cock ring that you wear at the base of your dick while having intercourse, if that don’t get her off nothing will.

It took me years to learn how to satisfy my wife, and I’m still learning and there is no “magic formula” I’ve found yet where I can follow step A, B, C and produce O. I’ve read everything I can find, it was years before I even talked to her in depth about it and honestly she was pretty ignorant about orgasms - what they were, did she have them, can she tell when she’s having them, etc. In the past, at times I was pretty sure she had orgasms, based on her responses but we’d never discussed it and I really didn’t know for sure. Through much open discussion and trial and error in bed, she’s able to tell me now most of the time when she’s having orgasms, and I think that she’d had them all along. But, it still seems hit-or-miss, sometimes it seems she can orgasm several times pretty quickly, other times after a long session she’s not sure if she’s had even one.

Disregarding the medicine issue, which as you’ve had good advice could very well be the culprit. I too found my wife had many previous lovers who were large. 8.5” NBP is indeed huge, especially with large girth. IMO it would be a rare stroke for her to find someone this large out of a handful of guys, unless perhaps she only went for physically large guys, and honestly you don’t know how she measured. I suspect in many cases women measure men out of curiosity, not because they’re “size queens.” The most likely scenario is the guy is lying on his back while the measuring is done, and measuring from the underside where the balls meet the shaft can easily add an extra inch compared to measuring on top of the shaft, while standing. So I wouldn’t fret about that really, but does she feel “loose” to you in general? With my wife, she will feel tight at first usually but once lubed up she feels looser. It varies at different times of the month as well, sometimes now at 7” NBP (was 6”) I feel that I can “bottom out” in certain positions sometimes.

You say you’ve tried “variations.” I don’t know about other women, but I’d read a lot of stuff about pleasing a woman. Most recommend starting slowly, lots of foreplay etc., and say be especially gentle about stimulating the clitoris as it’s very sensitive. In fact, some articles I’ve read completely disparage “hard and fast” ramming. Well, the slow buildup and foreplay work great, in general the longer the better. And, building up the actual act slowly helps too. But, I’ve found that with my wife, in general to get her to climax she needs some hard/rough stimulation. Not pain, but whether oral or intercourse that’s what it seems to take to get her off. I’ve even wondered if her clitoris were covered too much, as I’ve read about “clitoral unhooding” helping some women who didn’t have enough sensitivity. I’ve seen pics of some women’s clitoris “peeping” out of the hood, but as far as I can tell hers won’t do that, it will get enlarged but not “poke out” of the hood.

So specifically, I’ve found that with intercourse generally it takes some hard & fast pounding for at least 20 - 30 minutes or more sometimes for her to reach orgasm. I mean, hard as in slamming as hard as I can. I guess over the years, being married with children we’d both “toned down” our lovemaking to a degree so as to not make a lot of noise. But doing it this hard is going to make noise, lol, loud wet slapping noises, bed creaking, etc., even if we can keep our moaning down. I had to teach myself to pace, to last longer, and as I said I’m still learning but the results have been marvelous. I honestly didn’t know she liked it that hard, and for that long - I’ve managed to wear her out a few times, but most of the time it’s the other way around, she’s ready for more.

None of this may apply to your situation, just thought I’d share my experience.

wesb

I agree with Xaixoit. Are things really as rosey at home as you think they are? I say this because it sounds to me like the problems are between your woman’s ears. Then again, it could be medication induced. In any case, I wish you well.

Peace,
Taz

did you try oral ?

Then…there is also the ‘romantic’ approach by getting some erotic massage-oil and some candles and starting it off that way by just massaging her all over and wait to what it leads…who knows……maybe you’re just too fixated on the whole thing and try too hard to make her cum….if you already tried 100 times and she had no O then there must be something wrong with what you (you two) are doing. ..then try something totally different. And the best thing is still communciation…ask her about her erotic fantasies and such.

I dont know about your age and experience and whatever - but in case you’re younger and inexperienced you can even read on the internet and find some nice websites explaning female physiology and all kind of orgasms and how to please girls etc…..it sounds stupid…but my opinion is that good sex is NOT rocket science, there are a few basics which can be ‘learned’ (even in theory, online)..and maybe some people just dont know about the basic stuff (what girls like) ? (Sidenote: Having sex with a high number of people is NOT equal to having experience and being a good lover…it CAN help….but as said the basics for good sex are rather SIMPLE…you just have to know what you’re doing)

Ms. Nimity,
Would “I haven’t a clue” suffice? :)
Seriously, I wish for my sake, your sake, esac’s and all of the others who encounter this problem that it were as easy to pinpoint as ‘His penis isn’t adequate’ or ‘He doesn’t push the right buttons’. In that case we (men) would almost certainly solve the riddle, as it is often our ego on the line as much as it is our partners.
And that be one helluva motivator - that male ego thingy.

Time for a little more spilling.
My adherence to the “her orgasm is her responsibility” line of thinking originates, of course, with Mrs. Hook. Long before the incident with medication, the issue of her being unable to climax during intercourse was a big deal in our sex life. We had both entered our relationship as two young, relatively experienced, and might I add very very sexy people ;) very much “into” each other.
Now, unless my previous sexual partners were pretty convincing actresses I held great confidence that I was capable of “giving” a woman an orgasm during intercourse (did I mention how sexy I am?). In fact, I was impressed at how easy it seemed for the ladies I had been with to climax - multiple times even - during sex. So of course, as fate would have it I fell deeply in love with a young lady who to my surprise simply could not achieve the big O during vaginal intercourse (like you, she could hit the moon during cunnilingus and with masturbation). My only saving grace was that my new love had suffered this with every guy (no good filthy swine) she had been with before me - so I was off the “hook” on that account.

Knowing this, I set out to be “The One”. I did every imaginable thing that a man can do to and for a woman, but all to no avail. Fortunately, I never let it get me down personally and I made a point of letting my pretty little honey know that I felt nothing but love and excitement for her - which was true.

Salvation came about a year and a half into our relationship when I finally admitted to myself that this matter was out of my hands - I needed to “unfocus” my attention on the issue and simply enjoy my time with the woman. I realized that it was not my problem, not even our problem - it was simply something that the future Mrs. Hook needed to resolve for herself, in her own head.

I began to approach sex differently, I came to and took from her body and our union what I wanted, I began to enjoying myself - almost selfishly - during sex; if she didn’t climax it was okay, it wasn’t my fault, and in the end she always seemed very satisfied so why rip my hair out by the roots worrying over it?

To say that this “worked” in getting my lady to climax would betray the theory that it is her responsibility to find sexual satisfaction. And this is my point: because, although not long after this did the naughty little minx begin to have orgasms during intercourse I can assure you that I had very little to do with it. I was, afterall, simply enjoying myself and letting her resolve it on her own time, at her own pace, and in her own head. It is probably more true that my intense focus on it did more harm than good.

That is my perspective, and about all I can offer you: I haven’t a clue, and that seems to work.

Mrs. Hook, mostly because she likes to talk so much, would tell you in her own recounting of her sexual development that she arrived at a place that until then had eluded her. It had everything to do with her ability to fully enjoy herself, and a dawning sense of ease and security she felt as our relationship progressed.

Whatever, her sexual awakening very clearly supports my contention: It was Mrs. Hook who unlocked the door to vaginal climax, and to this day that remains the case. I had and still have - pretty much on purpose - nothing to do with it.

My wife, when we first started dating, admitted to me that she never had the big O whilst having sex (neither from oral stimulation as well). She could do it alone, but never with a partner. Needless to say that was a subliminal challenge for me and the first time, sadly, I wasn’t up to the task.

I did everything I could think of, everything I learned, everything I read… nada. Three or four hours later, I gave up and drove her home.

The next encounter it happened. Nothing I did was any different, it just did. It was oral, but hey I *was* the first. A few minutes later, we were doing it and I asked her to play with her clit while I was pounding. She paused (for about half a second or less) and did so. It happened again, this time stronger. Incidentally, we tried this the first time too, but didn’t produce results.

After we were done, we spoke about why she could O this time. Two reasons: 1) My seemingly unselfish hard work during our first time gained so much of her trust and comfort. and 2) I was the first guy who was comfortable enough with himself to ask her to play with her clit while he was pounding away.

I’m not sure if it bugs anyone else, but I thought the act of “bridging” (clit play while penetrating) was pretty standard fare. From what I’ve learned 1/3 of women can orgasm by vaginal penetration alone, 1/3 can but with clitoral play as well, 1/3 cannot at all…ever.

Captn,

I have found myself in a similar situation and have immensely appreciated your advice in this thread and others. While my wife will often have orgasms of one sort or another, her lack of drive for sex is often frustrating for me. This has been the case since we first met some nine years ago. After too much probing I have found that she has never had much of a sex drive. I think her mother beat it into her head that sex and she were both devil spawn. Regardless, this has quite a bit to do with my initial curiosity in pe.
I find that often when my wife and I have a problem similar to those discussed here I will try with all my heart and will to solve the damn thing. However, some of these problems are well beyond my control.
I think we men can beat ourselves stupid over these sorts of problems. Whats more, not only do we often blame ourselves and do great damage to our fragile little egos, we often compound the problem by forcing our partners to deal with something they may not be prepared to deal with or care not to deal with.
I do believe that men need to be open and receptive to our partners needs and desires, and also need to work to keep lines of communication open when we do face a problem. However, there comes a point when we need to posses the wisdom to know when to shut up, and not worry about that which is beyond us. When we fail to recognize the difference between what is within our reach and what is not we can become obsessive to a fault, damaging not only for ourselves but also our partners.

Thanks Cappy

esac, this may or may not help you, but my girlfriend and I were having sex for well over 6 months until she had her first (ever) orgasm.

Stuff don’t mean shit, if you know what I mean. Things get better, you just need to identify the source of the problems, which looks like it’s the meds. For my girl, it was the fact that she was very sexually inexperienced, eg she had never even discovered masturbation, plus she was shy about herself and unbelieving that she could enjoy herself.