Hi guys,
Some updates.
I watched porn last week, Friday. It was my day 44. Now I’m at my day 5 all over again.
I also stopped paroxetine (medication for depression and anxiety). Depression hit hard.. my suicidal thoughts are strong, but I’m not relying on masturbation…
There are some things that led me to this fallback:
Paroxetine killed my libido in a way that I could not have sex, even with Cialis, Viagra… I was happy, but it was a strange fake happiness, thinking in bad things, but feeling alright with that.
Long time without sex with my girlfriend, feeling shame of my body and my lack of masculinity.
Refusing sex opportunities with different partners (I was invited to a threesome by two women from the office)… I wish I had refused for different reasons, to protect the love I have for my girlfriend, but I refused because ED is just like not having a cock.
This cockless feeling, lack of masculinity, depression… Those things led me to a freaking anxiety… I fell… But paroxetine made me feel ok with that…
So I decided to stop, change the strategy. I did masturbate 2 or 3 times since last time I watched porn. I want to stop, but I MUST have sex.
So here I am, changing my strategy. I read a lot about nofap and flatline periods. There are guys that can’t have sex due to flatline and they are facing flatline for more than an year. I don’t know if I’m that strong…
I don’t want my brain to lose it’s sex drive. I just want to make this drive healthier.
My new strategy is still focused in the reboot, but porn only. I can masturbate and I can have sex. I want to avoid masturbation to avoid old addiction habits and start to masturbate 10 times a day, but definitively, I feel that I must have sex.
I’m now counting the days without porn, and I must say, that is easier to not watch porn. If I feel too much need to masturbate, I’ll let it happen.
Let’s see.