Flight Or Fight And Erections

I learned something new. Maybe it’s not new to some people here but I certainly never thought about this. I’m taking an online therapy course due to ED. I’m just done with having these issues and want to try something else. I know it must be psychological now. The other night things were going great. Mood was great and I was hard. But then I stopped to put on a condom. Broke the mood because I had to stop, go to my drawer, get it, put it on and then go back and try to resume. There’s a little more to that for me that creates an anxious feeling. I don’t like to have to use a condom, but it’s one of the best ways for me to have good sex because I am uncircumcised. For me, the condom helps a lot with holding my skin in place and without it, I can see it bunching up at the base as I try and penetrate. Everything still looks and feels good, but I don’t like it when that happens.

Anyway, back to flight or fight. I learned in tonight’s lesson that we are either in a feed and breed mode, or a fight and flight mode. While in fight or flight, our nervous system switches gears and stops your erection. Because your body doesn’t know why your in that mode, so it is preparing by pulling the blood from unneeded places and sending it to your muscles in case of emergency. So when in heightened fight or flight, it’s nearly impossible to get an erection or keep one. If I think of the voice in my head and the things I think, I do get anxious. I think that anxiety, even though it may be slightly more unconscious is enough to switch in that response mode. A couple of confirming things are: I can get hard enough to masturbate, I wake up with morning wood, I can get hard enough for sex most times. And sometimes like the other night, things start out great, have a good erection and then something happens that triggers that anxious feeling and it’s gone and hard to get back, which makes me more anxious.

That’s what I learned tonight. And some breathing techniques. Still have a lot more to go. But I already feel a little better knowing a little biology on the subject.

breathing is the key. Also, get the condom, open it and have it laying there ready to grab and throw on you at a moment’s notice. It should not be in the drawer especially if you know you are going to have sex. Hell keep it under the pillow!

Fight or Flight is our natural, innate response to any kind of stress that is overwhelming. Normal kinds of stress that is not life threatening doesn’t pull blood away from parts of your body in order to be used for fighting or fleeing. Sex is a strange thing because it is supposed to be natural and if you think about it, the innate feeling and drive to fuck is like a form of Fight or Flight: your body makes blood go somewhere where it usually is not naturally during normal daily life, the penis is not hard as a default state of living. Or, your penis does not need to be hard in order to stay alive. Yet, a cascade of events in our bodies makes our penis hard when its time to create a life. So its interesting that the online class thing you did brings up Fight or Flight as a problem our bodies create for us based on our mind’s ability to find and identify stress and then direct it innately into our bodies, which is a mechanism designed to SAVE our life or not LOSE our life, and this mechanism is related to the lack or inability of a penis to get hard in the moment of CREATING a life. Man, this is so wild to think about!!

You have connected the use of a condom to anxiety over being hard. If you make the condom become a natural, easy part of your lovemaking you will start to drop that anxiety. Try to think of the condom as a fun thing, or a thing that helps you have fun, like you can’t have fun without it and you really like to use it. If you like the way your penis looks when you use it, it is even something that makes you feel more sexy, if you think of it in that regard.

Also, if you use porn to masturbate, and you don’t use a condom when you do, I suggest using a condom when you masturbate. Sounds weird, but you’ll program yourself quickly to associate condom use with being and staying hard while you receive pleasure. But honestly, I’d ditch the porn if you do use it, it’ll help your confidence and stress and anxiety will fade away in ways you can’t fathom. It did for me!

Yes, interesting stuff. I have connected the anxious feeling before, but never knew our bodies worked that way to create an erection or stop one. I only just learned it, but then was able to think of ideas that can make that part less anxious including some of the things you said. The online session did explain it better than I said and it made a lot of sense. Nervous system. I think one of the ways they said it was when we are in a state where we can get an erection, we are in feed or breed. We feel safe enough to let our guard down. Just like in the wild, an animal does have to let its guard down or at least make sure it’s safe while eating and even breeding. Typically very vulnerable in those times.

Sometimes for me, my wife initiates sex before I’m ready. But we can have good sex if I’m ready or not, it’s just that with PE, I’m so used to maybe getting a pump session in the shower before, so I feel more thick and confident, and if she initiates when I haven’t done that, sometimes the anxious thought of “oh no, I didn’t pump, I might not be good enough” pops up. Logically i know that is wrong and we can have great sex with or without the pumping, but the session said that sometimes our minds create thoughts in are head in order to protect us. But what it is protecting us from, is the anxious, insecure feelings or the response to go into fight or flight. Seems I can train my thinking to be less of those things about it. I never took a direct approach on it before since i did not know. I don’t watch porn often anymore or masturbate. Sex is almost a daily thing. We take days off either for her to not get so sore and sometimes try to go a day without and “build up” so the next time can maybe be more intense and desireable.

So far the sessions have been learning. Reading online and watching videos. Short little informational stuff designed to be able to get through in 5-10 minutes daily. But they do schedule a zoom group meeting too. I am definitely interested in getting over this so I’m going to be open minded about it and continue.

All good stuff to hear. I can see the pumping prior to sex as a "I’m ready because I’m like this now" and that confidence seeps in and gives you a boost. But you know, as you stated, you don’t need it before sex to have intense, amazing sex. Your session with your lady is good with or without it. You ARE good enough. Just keep telling yourself that: you are good, you are an amazing lover with your woman, and you are certainly big enough for her. Sounds like she cums plenty and is very satisfied. If she’s the one initiating, she wants it, bad. As bad as you do. Take that alone as a mark that a) you do it for her in a major way, b) she likes you however you are enough to want sex from you, and c) it doesn’t matter what you do when or if you think you are "ready" or not, she wants to fuck and is letting you know its YOU she wants, now.

I’ve been with my wife for 25 years. Married 20. We’ve fucked every which way to Cleveland and back lol and have done it daily for weeks and weeks with no breaks, saved up for weeks to explode together, teased ourselves to the point of almost fainting, cumshots across the bed, her squirting all over me, you name it. But she’s rarely if ever initiated sex. Maybe only 20 times ever has she like grabbed me or given me "that" look and took off my pants blew me and rode me. You should take her desire for you as proof you are ready as can be whenever it might be. I consider you lucky and wish I was in your shoes!! Sex with my wife is beyond spiritual at this point, don’t get me wrong, but man I’d die if she leaned over and said "take me now" a little more often.

Oh I meant to ask, your foreskin and condom thing, is it just the look of it bunching up or whatever is happening when you enter her pussy that you don’t like, can she see it, is it just the looks of it that make you wear a condom? Because that’s a you-thing and she likely can’t see it, and if she did, she probably doesn’t care because she wants you so bad she won’t care what your cock looks like in certain occurrences as long as she’s getting it from you. This plays more into the "am I ready?" thing your mind is doing to you. Or the "am I good enough?" thoughts. Of course you are! Just tell yourself, out loud even, how good you are, and how ready you are. Tell yourself your cock is amazing and is like magic to her. All these little things program your brain to be on the positive side and will make your anxiety drift away.

So I had HA filler done a while ago. And ever since, my skin now moves a lot. I guess part of my frustration is that the doctor was going for aesthetics on a flaccid penis. I asked to have it higher where it would be more functional, but he insisted we keep going the route of base, mid and then top. But on a flaccid penis, a lot of that base skin pulls back anyway during sex and penetration. It’s not a lot of extra girth I got due to being uncircumcised. It still looks good both erect and flaccid. But to me, it’s useless during sex if I don’t wear a condom. It’s still fun and no real regrets on getting it in the first place. I enjoy sex more when I don’t have issues. Pumping is more for the top area, both glands and that sensitive area under the head. That part wasn’t done and when I pump and get that area a little more thickness, it does feel better for me.

Part of my goal to getting longer, is to hopefully reduce the amount of area the skin is allowed to slide. Kinda like growing into the skin. I can pull effectively just on the glands and tendons using a vac head hanger. It seems to be slowly working. Plus, I want a more aesthetically pleasing penis for my wife. Right now I would say it’s about 6” to 6 1/4” of visible erect. To me it seems disproportionate to my body. I am 205lbs and 5 11” - I’m not fat but I have a 1” fat pad. Hard to lose that little weight in those areas when I’m trying to build muscle AND lose fat. Been a stubborn area for me.

When I got this procedure I had this really well paying 2 week on/ 2 week off job. I was just below 5” EG and decided why not. I’ve done enough research to know you can get good results uncircumcised. But then I quit that job because I hated being away. That was after the first procedure. Then I wasn’t able to make it down to the clinic to get the procedures done as much. It was almost a year until my second procedure. Ideally I would have done them all within 4 months. One procedure layering on top of the other. And eventually it should have worked up to the top and I would have some effective non-sliding filled areas. But now I am just working on PE. I now have more time to consistently do routine and been going strong this whole year so far.

What you learned about fight or flight is very much true.

I experience it myself often when my wife and I swing and we are with other partners, and it is especially intense when we are playing in a public place like at a swinger party.
At a party, I have serious issues getting and staying hard even when I’m playing with my wife, which never happens at home. Sure it might take me a little longer to get 100% hard, but the first time we tried playing in an orgy room with other people fucking all around us, I was completely unable to get hard, not even a little bit.

And it makes sense, I was very anxious :)

I haven’t found a reliable way to bypass my fight or flight response yet, but 5mg cialis does help because if I AM able to relax for a moment/minute, the mind-body connection between your brain and your cock is better, and my dick springs up instantly like a teenager, but the key is that I need to somehow relax and center myself first.

With other partners, what helps me is to slow down, take the concentration away from my penis and take my time to explore my partner’s body, massage them, caress, kiss, breathe into their ear and kiss on their neck, make them absolutely wild and turned up to 10, then devour their pussy and make them cum with my mouth and hands first, so that they’re basically begging me to play with my cock.
That usually gets me to a comfortable and confident head space which facilitates erections a lot better.

Yes, learning new things has started to help and make sense. I think it will help out after a few weeks, it gives me something to focus on and address rather then being ignorant of it and trying everything else.

Last night I learned about SNS and PNS which are two parts of the nervous system.

Sympathetic nervous system is the part where flight or flight is active. It mentions that this can be overworked or overstimulated by external things and conditions making our sexual triggers hyperactive

Parasympathetic nervous system is the feed and breed part. When we are in this, we are relaxed and safe. This is what we want.

It has an exercise where we focus on an ordinary object and try and focus our brain on it, describing the details on it. Can be anything simple that doesn’t stir any anxiety or stress. That’s just one exercises, I’m sure there will be more.

For me, I think things aren’t permanent. I am working on PE and feel confident that I can gain some length and girth. Doesn’t have to be much, but I do have goals I hope to achieve. Like having my viable erection consistently at 6.5” to 7”. Right now I can be anywhere from 5.75” to 6.25” - my girth can be anywhere from slightly below 5” to 5.125” without pumping. More at the base. But I could like to be 5.125-5.5” more consistently without pumping. I think I gotten used to pumping before sex, and now I feel like I got to do it, which leads to a new anxiety factor. Not a big one, but it is another step in my mind that I might subconsciously feel needs to be done in order to have good sex.

I am gonna work on having more connection during sex without pumping or too much worry about being perfect conditions. I am going to try to be simple and use it how it is. I will still try and use a condom sometimes, but that’s it. I need a break from pumping anyway (blood blisters under the skin). I think then I can focus on the act of intimacy more and try and pay attention to other factors. I don’t feel bad about not being bigger in the moment, even though I’ve gotten accustomed to it, because my new thought is that it is temporary and that eventually I will reach my goals and i won’t have to do anything but have sex. That thought does give me some calmness.

This thought should also bring you a deep sense of calm: you are having sex with your wife, and she loves to do it with you, a lot. If she needed a bigger cock, she might not want to initiate and want sex with you. Whatever it is you have downstairs is working, and she wants it. This should give you massive amounts of confidence, make you smile about it, take a deep breath and say to yourself "I got it like that", and make you feel quite chill. Think about this too: there are a ton of guys out there not having sex, or not even trying to have sex, because they believe their penis is "not big enough" so they deny themselves the chance to experience sexual intimacy with a woman. I feel bad for those guys, because they aren’t even giving themselves a chance, so they don’t get to have sex at all, or feel the love of a woman and share those special, wonderful, deeply profound soul-melting moments with another human being. I think if you begin with the sex and the love your wife has for you, and her desire for intimacy with you, and then work on your penis so long as it does not interfere with your love life with her, you will feel a whole lot better and your mind will bring your body to rest.

It’s been working only done it twice since, but I do notice better EQ. Which in turn leads to her having good moments of her feeling pretty intense sensations. I am just at that point I can reach those spots deep when I am at near max EQ. I can feel it too. She really starts responding. Only issue is when I am not at that EQ, it’s harder to hit that spot length wise and those problems only occurs when I am psyching myself out or thinking I need to pump. The extra girth helped because I could get her to feel intense by girth alone and I enjoyed that too. But I think for now I do like just having the non-pumped better EQ sex because without pumping, I think my sensation is better. Could also be that Man 1 I am using too. But you are right, sometimes it’s easy to think of what others have and I don’t (having a bigger penis) and not about the fact and probability that I still have a good and satisfying penis that is probably more then other people have or don’t get to enjoy because they think it’s not enough.

I found one other factor last night that affects my anxiety. Our bed. We have our kids in the house and our bed is starting to creak a little too much. I had to stop a few times and try to find different areas of the bed or positions that we could be more quiet in. But today I may go to get some boards to add to the base to help. I had them before and it helped. It’s really hard to have sex in my house because there’s always at least one kid home.