My Story
Hi everyone.
I’ve seen a few “my story” threads on here and I wanted to post mine not only as an introduction, but also because it will feel good to talk about things which I’ve never been able to share with anybody else. Some of the threads I’ve seen gave me hope because the experiences described were very similar to my own, and for years I’d assumed that I must be the only bloke who feels like that. I’d like to think that somebody will read about my experiences and it will make them feel less alone.
I’m 24 and I live in the UK. Looking back, my problems started at childhood although I wasn’t aware at the time. My mum suffered years of physical abuse (e.g. Regular and severe beatings) from her father when she was a child and she left home aged 16 with the bloke who would one day be my father. He is very easy going and gentle, which is probably why my mum went for him in the first place as it must have been a nice contrast from her irrational, highly-strung and vicious father.
Likely due to her childhood, my mum had major issues with men and masculinity in general, probably subconsciously associating it with how her father was. My dad was passive and happy to “take the back seat”, which resulted in me growing up in a house where women ruled the roost (I have an older sister also) and anything macho was often bitterly ridiculed by my mum. I was never allowed to play with an Action Man, never allowed toy guns, never allowed to watch films featuring “macho” male heroes or involving war. As a very young child I remember my mum regularly referring to my cock as my “little penis” or “little willy” (I think willy is an English term so it may not mean much to any US readers). I also remember overhearing my dad say to her “don’t keep calling it little, he’ll grow up with a complex if you’re not careful”. I had no clue what this meant at the time but the words would echo through my mind again in years to come.
If I was well-hung I’m pretty sure this childhood of suppressed masculinity wouldn’t have caused me much of a problem, but unfortunately I’m not. When limp my cock can shrivel up to about 2-3 inches long (especially when I feel anxious, which is pretty much all of the time these days) and when erect it varies from around 5.5 - 5.8 inches or so depending on how good my erection is. When I hit puberty I became distinctly aware that I was in the lower percentage of the population where penis size was concerned, especially having glimpsed friends’ and classmates’ tackle when at the swimming baths or when getting changed after a PE lesson (PE as in Physical Education). In my early teens I realised that I seemed to get a lot of female attention, and I started going out with a girl who was older than me (17) much to the envy of my friends. She was absolutely beautiful, and I’d been lusting after her for quite some time, but now that she was my girlfriend I suddenly started picking faults with her in my head, really stupid things like “her ears are actually a bit strange” or “she’s a bit too skinny”. After a couple of weeks and before anything more than kissing happened I broke up with her. I didn’t realise it at the time but this was my fear of going further (into a sexual situation) manifesting itself- rather than risk being ridiculed I’d convince myself that I didn’t find her attractive, we’d break up and then there would be no danger of her ever seeing my cock.
This would happen again many times as I went through my teens, and resulted in me being quite late losing my virginity. The day after my 19th birthday, and after secretly fluffing myself beforehand, I managed to get an erection hard enough and for long enough to put on a condom and get my cock into my then girlfriend of 6 month’s very tight pussy. It was a complete disaster- I was so terrified that I went limp almost immediately and after a few awkward thrusts had to pull out and give up. She’d suggested we have sex many times before but I’d made literally hundreds of excuses. She’d tried to get me hard by stroking me but I’d been so anxious that I could never get it up. This last episode sounded the death knell on our relationship- she was a very sexual person and I simply couldn’t provide her with what she wanted. After a few weeks we broke up and another beautiful girl was out of my life, taking another huge chunk of my almost shattered self-confidence. I heard about 3 months later that she’d slept with a bloke that I knew who was reported to have a big cock, and she’d been heard making a lot of noise by some people who lived next door. For months on end after I’d lie in bed with tears of frustration in my eyes, imagining this guy’s big cock giving her what I had failed so many times to provide.
In the years that followed I didn’t have sex for quite a long time. I had no confidence at all, and channelled all of my energy into trying to improve my other physical attributes. Hours at the gym built me a good body, but a day wouldn’t go by without me wishing I had a bigger cock. My success with attracting women improved, but this only made me more depressed as it reminded me more and more of what I was missing out on. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to go that one step further and ended up back at a girl’s house. She started stroking my cock and I felt the familiar terror take hold. This time though, and God knows how, I managed to concentrate on how good it felt and how much I wanted this girl enough to get an erection and keep it. We had sex and she seemed to enjoy it. I thought maybe my problems were over- if I’ve slept with this girl and she’s enjoyed it surely that proves I’m not inadequate? I was so happy that I suddenly felt no fear at all, and started having sex with this girl every time I saw her. It was then I realised I had a new problem to add to my catalogue of sexual disaster- premature ejaculation. It was almost as if some primeval instinct in me was saying “Jesus Christ, this female is actually letting you have sex with her. Impregnate her quickly before she changes her mind!”
Things got worse and worse, and once again another girl was out of my life.
So to sum up, I’m so insecure about the size of my cock that I’m almost permanently anxious, which means it shrivels up, making me more anxious. This means I have trouble getting it up when presented with the opportunity to have sex. If I somehow manage to battle through this and get inside a girl, I then shoot my load within minutes. To make things worse, I like many other blokes think about sex probably once every 5-10 seconds so there’s a constant reminder of my inadequacies. It’s affected everything in my life, and to some extent worrying about the size of my cock is my life as it’s pretty much all I think about. I have no self-confidence, I don’t dare’t stand up to anybody (male or female) as I feel so inadequate, and everyday situations pose a huge problem- simple things like sitting with my legs slightly apart whilst wearing a pair of jeans has me paranoid that any women in the area can tell I have a small cock. I can’t go swimming because when I get out of the pool my shorts cling to me and somebody might see my cock. I worry about having to go into hospital for any reason in case I have to have an operation and the surgeons/nurses etc have a laugh at my manhood whilst I’m under anaesthetic! I wanted to join the military but did not’t dare because as part of the medical a doctor examines your testicles, plus when in the military you’d more than likely have to use communal showers. I even stress out about ever being in prison, not because I’d have a criminal record, it would ruin my life and I may end up beaten up or worse, but because other inmates would see my cock in the showers!
I’have suffered from severe depression and have almost taken my own life a couple of times, but I didn’t have the balls to kill myself (no pun intended) which is why I’m still here. I found Thunder’s Place in November 2004 whilst looking for info on penis enlargement surgery on the net. At first I was ecstatic after reading all of the success stories. My whole life I’d been led to believe that what you were born with was what you were stuck with, unless you had expensive and risky surgery. Here was this huge list of accounts and information that said otherwise. I cried with relief. Soon after, and typical of my pessimistic attitude I started to worry about what would happen if I tried it and it didn’t work. That’s why almost 2 years on I still haven’t tried it. I was so terrified that I’d get my hopes up only for them to be dashed, because maybe that would be the final straw, enough to push me over the edge. There are so many success stories on here, but there are also stories from those who have tried it but haven’t seen any gains.
All this time I forgot about Thunder’s Place, I denied it’s existence to myself, but I can’t deny it any longer and I’m so sick of being miserable. They say it’s better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all, so I’m going to try.
My goal is 7.5” x 5”. I’ll either get there or I’ll die trying.
