Okay the answer to how I did it.
(Begin Rococo-era harpsichord music)
So I’m freshly out of the shower. It was one of those wonderful bathing experiences where you actually feel like one of the less inbred members of the Ceasar family. Cherubs drying you off, the whole thing. It was an epic shower that really made me wonder if I should ever bother joining the rest of the world.
Yes, it was that good.
Everyone gone from the house and the carpets freshly vaccumed, I merrily trotted down the hallway to my room of bed. It was a manly trot, mind you, more very 18th century than actually gay. Life was grand.
Having just downloaded a bevy of free pornography featuring absurdly endowed women with names ending in words like Whoppers, Knockers, and Mountains I was ready for a good long go at ejaculating onto a gym sock. The simple joys of the fourth week of the girlfriend’s cycle are not lost in the Ubu household, gentlemen. Neither of us especially enjoy period sex but I do love my masturbation.
So I’m getting hard and enjoying every last moment of it. Then it hits me, “let’s do some manual stretching!” A fine idea!! Throwing caution to the wind!! That’s just the sort of thing that makes masturbation such joyous fun! “Let’s pull harder!” YES! By all means!! Physics, body mechanics, the collective experience of all my PE bretheren - all of these screamed NO! But not I!! The birds where chirping outside, the augmented breasts were defying gravity on my computer screen, and I was pulling away like there was no chance that I would ever -
CRRUNCH!!
Oh shit! On the base and to the left of my dick I felt a sensation that didn’t really hurt much. It was, however, one of those sensations that you know is not good at all. Instinct kicks in and tells you that you have done something wrong and you are damn lucky that it came just short of actual pain. I felt where I thought the pain came from and there was a small but distinct hard, swollen area. There was a dull sort of pain when I touched it. Panic was only held back by denial.
I should have paid more attention in anatomy because I can’t figure out what in the hell I did. All I know is that there is a bruise and a line of dull pain that extends from my left hip to the base of my penis. The focal point of the pain is still where I felt the crunch and it really only hurts when I touch it which - of course - I do a lot. Funny how we poke at what hurts. But it is still much more of a dull “warning” sort of pain than a sharp “it’s forever fucked” kind of pain. Hopefully I didn’t get those two mixed up.
And I have a bruise. Here it is. Look at this picture whenever you want to consider erect stretching. And always remember the pain that I feel when I get hard. (For those of you playing along at home, the crunch and the focal point of pain is in the spot that isn’t bruised.)
