The knowing nod and the alibi

You know, when I walk out of Home Depot with multiple cable clamps, an infared light, pvc, and whatever other McGuyver-esque conglomeration of materials necesary for the new PE gadget, I half expect one day the cashier will give me a wink and ask “length or girth?”

So far I have always tried to go in with an alibi, but hardly have the handyman knowledge to back it up. Its funny the amount of time I spend researching the regular uses one might have for an IR light, for example. I remember asking where the cable clamps might be one time. The guy said he didnt know and asked me what they were for, and I kinda faltered for a second and told him “um, clamping cables together.” Probably came off as a wise-ass. And the old lady cashier at my local hardware store tells me she is trying to learn the products by chatting with her customers, good lord.

Do what I do- write it down on a list and if you need an alibi you’re doing a favor for your buddy PEte and picking up this stuff since you’d be in the neighborhood anyway.

Convoluted perhaps, but close enough for government work.

Don’t ever go into crime.

I usually give a confused look and say “I don’t know, my girlfriend wanted me to pick it up”.

You can use the words “boss”, “parents”, “friends”, or “girlfriend” interchangeably. Also, I say the infrared light is to help with sore muscles.

Yeah, its often “for a friend.” They must think I am a doormat.

yeah, “what is it used for?” is their favorite saying at Home Depot.

“My partner is really into bondage”

“These things are great for date rape, just in case the pills wear off”

“I’m buying them for my mother. It’s something to do with with a suicide pact”

“I have a horse which gets a bit frisky, I’m hoping to construct a masturbation device.”

Yeah, so not so dopey now, am I?

Look at it this way- if they actually know the stuff is for PE, then they either do it themselves or know enough to mean they have looked into it [if they are men- if women then they’ll be curious].

Memento is on a roll with this and the “words I despise” thread today… :)

Haha, I walked into Walmart looking for the Canning tongs….had absolutely no idea at the time what they were used for, when I first heard about them. I looked around for a while, then decided to ask some lady, she says “what are they used for” and I said “..I dont know, my mom told me to run down here and pick them up” and she looked for a while and ended up asking like 5 more times what they were used for. Then she got another lady to help her out. Same thing, she kept asking what they were for and finally I just said “I’ll just go back and tell her to go get them herself”.

To a girl cashier

“Come round my place tonight and I’ll show you what I used them on….you can be first to sample my creation……”

To a guy cashier

“Ain’t for me, I’m just pickin ‘em up for me old man”

Problem - solved.

Nice

I think a new game to play would be to find the most attractive cashier and try to strike up a conversation about it and insinuate you have slightly deviant intentions for the materials. In a playful way, like “whats this for?” “I’ll give you two guesses, see if you can figure it out” and go on from there, pushing the envelope as much as possible. It will either intrigue her or weird her out, so you either get her number for a demonstration or hilarity ensues when you disgust an uptight hardware store girl. You cant go wrong.

“What are they for??”

“If i told you I’d have to kill you HAHAHAHA”(fake laugh turns without warning to serious face w/ blank stare)

“What are they for??”

“Dude that a good question, what gets blood out of apholstry?? “