Long Time Struggle With Psychological ED

I decided to post this because I have had a continuous struggle with psychological ED. When I was just a young strapping lad of 13 or 14 I used to get wood all the time for no reason. Typical teenager I know. Then when I was 15 I got into a sexual relationship with a really screwed up girl that lasted quite a few years. In the end we broke up because of sexual issues- but some of the baggage I got from that was that every time I got aroused and hard she would just shoot me down. So in the end I had the hardest time achieving anything close to a full erection.
I can still achieve an orgasm even if only at half mast which is odd because you would think that you needed to be fully erect for that. there are some times when I get fully aroused, but usually that is only a day when I just feel good and horny and I forget about all the mental crap. Easier said than done because when I start looking at my erection I go into PE mode and try to figure out how big it is. (Too many years of eyeball appraisals to get an idea of size.) Of course then my arousal usually goes away and I am left with a half mast again.
The odd thing is that when my girlfriend is around and we have sex regularly than all of a sudden I am back in teenager mode again and I could drill holes in the sidewalk. I know I am transposing those issues from my ex onto her, but I am not really sure how to stop. This especially becomes a problem when we have time apart like right now.
I have the Barbara Keesling book “How to make love all night…” and some of what she suggests of not focusing on the erection but on your arousal did work for a little while but it is hard to get into that state of mind.
I am wondering if anyone knows of a good counter mindfuck to the one that I got. I am trying to find a way to mentally get over these hurdles because as silly as this sounds as a result of my ex for the longest time I was ashamed to be sexually aroused. (Ironic because she had a string of one night stands after I dumped her.) Now it just seems I am so focused on erection level that it has become a major issue. The funny thing is that right now it doesn’t even seem to be what size it is but rather that it is just hard. Maybe I cannot get over the correlation of wanting size and being erect.
Hopefully someone out there can give some sage advice because I am at a loss. Either that or maybe twat can give me some idea to mindfuck my ex just for the sweet taste of revenge. :D (Kidding - for the most part.)
Thanks in advance.

-TF

TF;

The best way to handle your problem is through your girlfriend, I think. If she is someone with whom you have good rapport, trust, and humor, some quiet time together when you are both feeling good, talk to her about all this. You don’t have to bring the other g/f in as a personality you both have to live with from then on as a ghost. Just the basic issues will work. Being totally frank about your fears/apprehensions will go a long way toward dispelling them.

If she cares for you, she’ll love your having done that and you, too, can move on to better, more relaxed and spontaneous times. If she reacts negatively, you don’t belong together.

avocet8,

Thanks for the quick response. She already knows that I have problems with this, but I don’t think either of us really knows how to deal with it. I have tried counseling myself to feel sexual again and that has helped, but it is still hard just to really get sexual unless I have a gf there who is doing it as well. I am sure there are some deep seated issues about not wanting to be rejected, but I am not sure why I can get half-massed without trying but to actually get a full erection is usually next to impossible unless I am in the zone. :)
Anyway- I appreciate the thoughts and will try to use them.

I agree with avocet, that your girlfriend is the key to feeling desirable and sexual again. But it sounds like you haven’t had a really deep discussion about it with her yet, am I right?

>>I have tried counseling myself to feel sexual again and that has helped, but it is still hard just to really get sexual unless I have a gf there who is doing it as well. <<

One thing you might try is just having “closeness nights” or something, where sex is not permitted, and therefore no performance anxiety can enter in. Just cuddling, foot massage, talk, arm around her, etc.

Much of my ED is psychological I’m sure, and though the lady in my life is cool about that when it happens, what I really want from her is total acceptance, expressed in various ways and over long enough for my self-confidence batteries to truly recharge again.

I know that might sound lame and un-macho, but whatever works, works.

kandu,

I am not sure what exactly I should talk about. I have told her about how I felt during that relationship but we have not really gone into depth about any of that in particular. And to be honest, I am not sure what I should be saying.
It seems to me that the problem lies with me not my girlfriend. If I need validation to be aroused, isn’t that more the problem than whether my girlfriend encourages me? Maybe those are linked but I am not sure. Even if my current girlfriend encourages me to be aroused, I still have the problem of when she is not around. Unless I have a full-time at home stripper at home when she isn’t. :D
We have had no-pressure nights as I like to call them, but I seem to hit the same block again. I get aroused but only to a certain point. I think it is usually about 80-90 percent erect at the best times. Maybe I have some sort of physical ED along with the psychological? Just throwing out ideas here. Is ED the absence of all erections or can it include full erections?
Thanks for the input though kandu.