no solution

About three months ago, my girlfriend let slip, regarding former lovers, that “only one was bigger, but he was selfish”. I’ve been crushed about it ever since. I let her know that it bothered me and shared my feelings of anxiety over it with her. She was very caring about it and regretted saying it. She only mentioned his size trying to be reassuring about my skills as a lover. In some way trying to tell me that size doesn’t matter.

She was with this guy more than 15 years ago, and it made me think “she still remembers him as bigger, after all that time, so he must have been monstrous”. I don’t think I want to ask her anything else about this, yet my imagination is likely worse than reality. No solution.

My anxiety over this is self-destructive. She indicated that he was selfish, and I wonder if she gave him a lot of head. She say he was a jerk and cheated on her, and I think “Ok, so you were with him why… just because of his big cock?” No solution.

We have not talked about it for a while now, but I can’t get the thought out of my head. I have not had any performance problems over it, but I think about it during sex often, and it has impacted my self-confidence. I find myself covering up with a towel when she is near. I just don’t have the swagger I used to. Whenever she’s tired or pre-occupied and we don’t have sex, I wonder if it is because I don’t “do it” for her.

The “size matters” threads in this forum have exacerbated this issue for me. When I read about the impact that successful PE has had for many of you sexually, it makes me feel more inadequate. It makes me wonder how it was for her with the “big” guy. She was about 21 or 22 back then and I can’t help but feel it was a visual and physical turn on. She has not indicated that it was, but at this point she’s walking on eggshells with my ego and she’s being very careful. No solution.

With all of the above said, I also understand that women want a confident man. I am hesitant to bring this issue up again, because I do not want to appear to be weak and suffering over penis-size anxiety (even though I am :-) . I do not want to appear weak. So I am in turmoil, but I feel helpless to remedy the situation. It’s torturous keeping this to myself and sharing it further is undesirable. No solution.

Solution? Well I am PEing ;-). But that takes time. Any ideas for what I should do in the meantime, before I have can eradicate all this anxiety with my 8.0x5.5?

Air

You already have a big peice if I read size’s data sheet right. 7.5 length is nothing to sneeze at.

You are 1 inch longer than average and average in girth.

Don’t ever ask a woman about the dick size of past lovers, and if they mention past lovers were large pay it no mind. Their memory may not be that accurate about it. It could be that he was exactly the same size as you are but he was so clumsy that sex with him hurt her.

luvdadus: I appreciate the kind words, bro.
“Don’t ever ask..” I hear ya’. In this case I didn’t. I was however dipping my toe in the water regarding her happiness with my lovemaking, fishing for compliments I suppose, when she carelessly let that slip. I’m having a hard time separating my paranoia about this from reality now. She’s a psychologist and part of me says how could she have said that unintentionally. How could she have not foreseen the negative reaction. Is she fucking with my head? (She really doesn’t seem the type, and god knows I can easily interpret what she says in the worst light) All this talk about women achieving orgasm’s from bigger cocks has me suffering. She only has clitoral orgasms. I reach pretty deep (at least to her cervix, which she enjoys, but not sure if I’m getting to those other spots around the cervix.) I’ve read about and tried to find her G-Spot, but if it’s there its not a huge rush when I hit it (if I’ve hit it).

Air Al,

Don’t worry about it, atleast try not to. Put your focus on your relationship with your girl. You are plenty big, you are only making it worse on yourself.

Air

If she is the kind, generous type she probably just put her foot in her mouth and is not trying to fuck with your head. If she seems the manipulative type of course being a psychologist gives her the tools to do it right. Only you can read what is going on but unless it seems sure that she is fucking with you I don’t think I’d accuse her of anything in my own mind or to her face.

kkevinj and luvdadus:

Thanks for the very solid advice. This is one of the few issues in life that drives me to such crazy thought processes. I appreciate your grounding comments. ~Al

Another thing to remember is that women, in general, can’t tell and inch from a mile when it comes to penis size. Anything over six inches is generally considered “huge.” Her former lover may have been the same size as your already impressive 7.5”.

You’ve said she regrets having said anything about it. It was fifteen years ago. Her profession allows her to understand what the comment may have done with your mind and she’s being careful not to cause more problems. Try to understand this and that she is on your side and, by her actions, is trying to let things cool down so you can get back to the positive relationship you both want to have. Work with her by letting it go.

If the thought about her ex comes to your mind, take a positive action by remembering that she’s “working with you” now in the best way she can and you need to allow that to happen. Work with her by pushing thoughts of “him” out of your mind when they try to intrude. Act as if those thoughts are an enemy trying to tear up your relationship and fight them by realizing that both of you together can get past this.

westla:
Thank you for your input. Your entire post is helpful, in particular the last paragraph. She really is “with me” on this. Working together I am optimistic that she and I will be able to get me past this. When it comes to empathy, my girlfriend is outstanding. I am sooo thankkful for that. PEing in parallel won’t hurt either. This issue, despite it’s negative aspects, HAS been a motivating factor.

Incidentally, I have been trying to decide how much to contribute to Thunder’s Place. The responses to this thread, along wityh all the other great info and support here, have convinced me that $100 is a start. Just PayPal’d that. Thanks guys. Thanks Thunder.

Hey AirAl,

Thank you very much. Check your Private Messages when you have the time.

AirAl,

I can empathise with you, as after 16 years of marriage I began questioning my wife about penis size, past lovers, etc. I knew that she’d slept around a lot, but didn’t know about how many of the guys she’d been with were well hung. Everyone says don’t ask, but overall I’m glad that I did even though it’s been awkward. IMHO, this is the woman whom I’m spending the rest of my life with, and her past experiences still impact our relationship in some fashion - even if I’d never found out. FWIW, the guy who had the biggest dick was an asshole too. Yes, size matters but believe that it definitely is not ALL that matters.

wesb

Alright AirAL,
I usually don’t reply to these type of posts but I need to tell you this:
I am married to a woman that I have been with for about 11 years or so (married for 3 now), When we first got together she said that she had one lover (out of five) that was huge and that she had a hard time accommodating him. I was always on the top side of the scale at over 7” and never gave it another thought. Now 11 years later I am at 8.75 BPEL and when we were done going at it the other day she said something that will actually help you.
“I always thought that I had problems with a large guy from long ago but I just realized, you always went deeper and I was wetter with you from the beginning”
Just goes to show you, while a large one stands out, wetness and the mind plays an important role in perceptions.

Think about that and think about the fact that your woman told you that you are a much better lover……

wesb & mirlin

Thanks a lot. This kind of support is helpful. She and I are working this out. I’ll let you know how it progresses for me.

Hey Air—-

I was just wondering how you’re doing? Hopefully I’m not stirring things up by mentioning it, but I’ve followed your thread with great interest. There’s not much more I can say beyond what these excellent people have offered —— just that I empathize with you due to a similar funk I found myself in for a very long time.

I’d love to know how you get beyond this (believe me, you will).

—-Cap

Well, as predicted, I probed my girlfriend some more… and not in the good way (although we did that afterward). I questioned her further about her ex-boyfriend’s size. I’m really glad I did. She knows it’s been a big issue for me since she said he was “bigger but not better”. I had her specify whether it was girth or length or both. She said it was girth and that she’s pretty sure I have him beat on length. She is adamant that his girth had no impact on how intercourse felt, despite my numerous interrogations and logical explanations about why greater girth should feel better. Among other things she said the feeling of my head (how the ridge feels) and my greater length give her sensations that she has never felt with anyone else. I didn’t press her on how girthy he was, but I might later. No sense leaving any stone unturned at this point. She loves me and knows that I love her, and our sex is indescribable compared the sex she had with any of her past lovers.

The ex’s girth still bothers me, along with the fact that he was selfish and demanding. She was about 20 at the time (38 now) and dated him for 3 years. He was 25, had money, a porche, jet skis etc. She was somewhat swept away by the excitement of the lifestyle. She essentially beckoned to his whims sexually, although he wasn’t into anything that made her uncomfortable. It was a very sexual relationship but mostly all about what he wanted. He didn’t go downtown and was pretty “quick” to orgasm, not paying attention to her needs afterwards. The good news is that I rock her world relative to him or other lovers.

A couple words of advice for anyone in this predicament AND in a very good, loving relationship with a caring partner where the sex is great:

1) Love like there’s no tomorrow. Learn techniques and apply yourself. Be caring and gentle and when the time is right forceful (in a fun, hot consensual way).

2) If, and ONLY if, she negligently tells you that a former lover was bigger, I recommend probing further to dispel the unrealistic fantasies you will helplessly entertain about it. Get the exact knowledge. I had myself convinced that he was 9x6 and that she was protecting me from the truth of how that felt to her. In reality he was probably 6.5x6 and his head was smaller than the mid-shaft. The thickness made the visual impression. That was where her “bigger” perception came from.

Basically, learn the reality rather than imagine what the guy was like. That way you’ll at least know exactly what to fret about.

Peace.

Get over it. Seriously.

One thing about this site, some guys need psychological help. They are way way way out there with regards to importance of their size. Ok it is important but for fucks sake I keep seeing people with 8” going on about it.

Newsflash - 8” is a FREAK. 8” is NOT NORMAL. 8” is THE GOAL for most of us here.

If you are having hassles with your woman and you are packing 8”, the problem ain’t with your dick.

Sorry if i come across a bit savage but many good men here are striving for what you dismiss. You need to be looking elsewhere to solve whatever it is that is bothering you.