Sexual Relationship Advice Needed

Hi all,

Moderators: I started this thread in the Mens’ Sexual Health Forum. It relates to my sexual health within my relationship, so I consider this the appropriate forum.

If someone found out that I was asking for advice regarding my relationship on a penis enlargement web site, they probably think I’m crazy. From my experience, there are many people on this forum with a lot of knowledge regarding this sort of stuff. Plus I’m running out of ideas for how I can save my relationship, so I’m getting desperate. So here goes. I apologise if this post is a little long.

I’m almost 25 years old. My girlfriend is 23 years old. We’ve been together for 1.5 years. I love her. She loves me. I like many things about her. She has a cool personality. She is kind and considerate. She’s really good with kids. I’m very attracted to her. I like her family. In short, she is the sort of girl who’d I’d consider marrying and having kids with at some point.

There are problems though.

1.) Over the last six months, she has shown less and less interest in sex. The frequency has dropped off to about once or twice a fortnight. We used to do something three times a week. I was happy with three times a week. Now, when we do have sex, it’s routine. We fool around. I go down on her. She comes. We fuck. I come. She’s just not into it much any more. I always have to initiate sex. And when we do have sex, it feels like we are both going through the motions. I’ve spoken to her about this. She says that she just doesn’t feel horny very often, maybe once or twice a month. She is on antidepressants (SSRIs) which I have read can interfere with libido. She isn’t depressed these days. She says she uses the medication as a safety net. I don’t feel it’s fair to ask her to come off antidepressants. But I honestly believe this is contributing to our problems.

2.) In addition to her lack of sex drive, she doesn’t like penetration because it hurts. She says she has only been with one guy before me and from what I know the sex was unpleasant and fairly limited. She has never had an orgasm from penetration. The strange thing is, when I go down on her, she comes in a few minutes. Penetration typically lasts for five minutes before she complains it hurts too much. So I stop. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t have a large penis. My length is average (about 6”), girth is above average (about 6”). I don’t think it’s that I’m too big for her. When we first had sex I could hardly get inside her and it took weeks for us just to be able to have intercourse. She’s gotten better since then but she still says it hurts her and sex is not pleasant for her.

This has resulted in me getting very frustrated cause I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like. I’m also missing the intimacy of regular sex and we can both feel this affecting our relationship. Also, it makes me feel like shit to know that she’s putting up with pain when we have sex, just for me. I feel like I’m some sort of rapist. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, something that two people can use to connect and be intimate. I feel like, they way things are going, it’s only getting worse. I fear that, at this rate, the sex will soon stop completely.

She has seen a gynecologist. The doctor said she’s physically normal and there’s no reason she should be experiencing pain during intercourse. I should mention that she comes from a Catholic background. Her parents, particularly her mother, is a devout Catholic. From what she tells me she was given the whole Catholic guilt trip, sex is dirty/bad/sinful outside of marriage. I believe this is also contributing to our problems.

I feel like these problems are going to make or break our relationship. I don’t want to force her to change herself, but I want to make the relationship work, because she’s a great girl.

So I’m throwing this out there to my fellow TPers. What can I do? Any advice would be appreciated, especially from the female members.

Yes! Too BIG to use! Thats what to aim for in pe! Im joking, the reason it may be hurting her is because she’s not aroused enough for confortable penetration. If she isn’t aroused it just aint gonna happen whether your 6 inches in girth or not. My only suggestion is to try getting her in the mood by doing something else she enjoys doing and using some lube!

I always make sure she’s wet before sex. I make her come first before I do anything. I use a water based lube. The lube seems to help slightly but she dries up when I’m inside her and it starts to hurt.

Dehydration is the problem here. From the medications probably which are also driving down her sex drive.she needs more fluids and it may be time to pop the question. Ask yourself, has she hinted around? Is the romance end holding up? Women love flowers and chocolate.

Oh I forgot, she may be hypothyroid. Sighn and symtoms would include. Long and painfull periods. Fatigue, cold hands and feet. Thyroid problems don’t always show up in test. Put a thermoneter on her night stand when she wakes up in the morning have her put it under her armpit for ten minutes if the reading is below 97 degrees she is likely to be hypothyroid. Depresion is also a sighn of hypothyroidism. As well as weight gain.

Kingpole ma/LVN

You’ve got a lot of things going against you. The ssri’s are probably pulling her backwards the most. My wife is depressed and is on antidepressant. She functions as a person. Gets her work done, but she has no interest in sex. It is pretty lousy. We are 56 years old and have been married 34 years. The depression first raised it’s ugly head when we were 35 years old. She and her doctors managed it well until about eight years ago. And now she is only a shell of the person she once was. And she once was the best! So my advice is to run!! Focus on the depression, it will probably never get better and only get worse with time. And look for these signs: Does she blame you for things that are bad in your time together? Are things bad because of her perception, not because they are really bad. Does she make mountains out of mole hills? And then get sad because of it. Is she a perfectionist, and expect you to be perfect too? I could go on and on, but everyone is getting bored. Oh one more thing, it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the head, and is inheritable. I feel sorry for both of you, I really do, but at least YOU CAN RUN!

We’ve talked openly before about marriage and neither of us are going there for a while. I’m not sure why you think marriage is the way to save a relationship that’s in trouble. She has not hinted anything and is definitely not looking to get married any time soon. The romance is OK considering the sex problems. I do get her flowers from time to time. :-)

I’m interested to know why you mentioned dehydration?

I’ll keep this in mind. Thanks.

No. She’s not depressed. She shows no symptoms. As I said, she says she’s only staying on the SSRI’s for a safety net. I’m concerned about the long term effects of the SSRI’s though.

No. She is a bit of a perfectionist, but, beyond that, her behaviour is quite normal, apart from her sex drive.

I know the factors that contribute towards depression, having had the illness myself for eight years. I’ve completely turned my life around since then though. I’m not ready to run just yet. I want to try and make it work, if possible.

Thanks for your reply.

I think you’re dating my ex, I know exactly where you’re coming from. If I were in those shoes, again, I would definitely look towards the SSRI’s and her general mental state regarding sex. It really seems like it could be in her head. Is she an uptight person? I found that having a calm, serious talk with my ex helped somewhat. I had to be very comforting and warm for her to open up at all and trust me enough to talk about it. Getting upset or frustrated in a conversation like this is no-no.

Also, how does intercourse go if you don’t make her come first by mouthification (<-new word)? Some girls do get sore or uncomfortable if there is too much friction after they’ve had an orgasm (like most guys do). My ex was the exact same way, I would go down on her, make soup, then penetrate and, more often then not, she would tell me to hurry up because it was starting to hurt.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you two.

She can be uptight and somewhat of a control freak at times, by her own admission.

Yeah, I’m fairly calm when talking about this sort of stuff. She gets quite upset though. But I try to just talk it through and focus on it as if it’s our problem which we need to solve together. We do some to be talking in circles though, which is annoying.

Did your girlfriend take SSRIs? If so, what was your experience? Did she improve when she stopped taking them? Did this cause you to break up?

This is a good point. I will have to try this and ask her if there’s any difference in how it feels.

Thanks for the reply.

paulski82,

A couple points here I’d like to address.

First, don’t even consider marriage until this is sorted out. I would read Zaneblue’s stuff on fish oil to restore libido. Study that stuff, PM Zane if you need to, then discuss it with your gal. If she is game, and it does the trick, great!

If she is either not game or it doesn’t do the trick, you must SERIOUSLY consider this fact (or 99% chance of it being a fact)…this is probably as good as it will ever be! After you marry her (if you do) you will probably rapidly see a dramatic DECREASE in sex and intimacy. So, if you are having a hard time with it now….you will find it impossible later on.

So, my advice to you is to look into Zanes stuff, maybe find an endocrinologist to check her out too. I think its VERY, VERY critical for you to sit down with her and calmly and kindly explain that sex and intimacy is very important to you, and you will not live a life where it is not a important part of it. Ask her if she is willing to see if it can be corrected.

If she says yes, then you guys try to solve it together. If she isn’t willing to look into it…then my advice to you is to move on.

If she is willing, yet no matter what you try together it really doesn’t improve, then understand that you are looking at a preview of how the rest of your life with her will be, and actually, it will probably become far less frequent as time goes on.

Don’t rush into any commitment with this girl, make sure you really see where it is going. Trust me…”love” doesn’t conquer all, and “marriage” usually makes this type of problem far worse…not better.

Another posibility is that her testosterone levels are too lw, yes, women do make testosterone it helps with sex drive. I do believe thier bodies create it from drenal glands?

Oh yes the medication may be drying her out.

One of my ex girlfriends was on antidepressants and she shoved almost the exact same symptoms. You really need to talk to her about it , but without pressure , and see if she can maybe quit using them if she really doesn’t need them. Besides , the act of sex is the best natural antidepressant next to exercise. I know you think it’s not fair of you to ask her this , but consider this: you are in your prime now. You need sex more than you can imagine. Are you really ready to be with someone your whole life without getting any?

I mean , I have some trouble with my girlfriend concerning sex also, but not that serious. I know it is hard to look at it that way , but there are girls out there with great personality that want to have sex often.

Tell me, is this your first serious relationship?

From my experience (marriage with a catholic girl, no depression and no antidepressants) you will need many years of patience with unknown outcome.

Both the depression as well as the antidepressants cause loss of libido. The catholic background may also be disadvantageous.

Think about it and consider leaving her. It may be your best choice. I suppose you forgot how it feels to be with a woman who likes sex about the same way you like it.

I am 49 but I still believe that sex is the essence of a good relationship. It is a requirement. I wouldn’t go without it. Consider - and tell her.

I hear ya. I have no intention of getting married if I can’t sort this out. But at the same time, decent girls don’t come along every day, so I want to try and make it work. I have considered that this may be as good as it gets. I’ll look into Zane Blue’s stuff on fish oil. Thanks for the reply.

Good point. Something for me to read up on.

Yes, this is my first serious relationship. Did you work things out with your girl? Did she come off her meds? If so, what difference did it make?

I agree. Sex is an integral part of a relationship working.

Thanks for all the input guys. I can see I have a lot to talk through with my girl before I decide if we have a future.