Average Penis Forum: Yes, I'm Average

This made me laugh out loud. If every guy did PE because they were bored, there’s be a LOT of hung men in the world - LOL!

Hi. My name is Saul, and I have an average penis.

There, I said it officially. Let the meeting begin.

I started this journey with a generous 6x5, and you all know what I mean by generous, right? I mean jamming that ruler into my pelvic bone until I feel it in my anus, then willing the marks to shift in my favor. Girth? Let’s keep that measurement loose, shall we, maybe fudge with a good squeeze, grip it in one hand and fumble with the measuring tape in the other. Yep. That reads five. Five-ish. Dammit. Close enough, we’ll call it five. Damn, are there ~really~ guys who are six or seven?

Can’t say I’ve ever been “proud” of my penis. My brother, yeah, he’ll tell you all about his. He’s got the family pecker, the one my dad got, the one that skipped me and landed on my teenage son. My wife caught my son this past summer with his girlfriend. She got a good look at it and said, Yeah, that boy ain’t got ~nothing~ to worry about. Her exact words and emphasis, and she turned beet red. It shows in his pants, and he’s taller, and he’s better looking, and he’s smarter and a better drummer than I ever was, so what dad would not be proud of a son who is that much of an improvement! (Hope he keeps his hair.)

Ok, back to pecker talk. I had a group of girls in high school, in my physics lab at the next table, who I think had a weird sort of sadistic crush on me. They wanted me to tutor them through physics. Funny, I was the #2 in class, one of the girls was the #3, and she bumped up to #1 on graduation because I helped her through physics. Dumbass. I feel like that eagle who was shot with an arrow fletched with one of his own feathers.

Anyway, they used to call me Pinky Man. I’m not only smart, but short, and kinda cute in an adorable way. At least I used to be cute. I’m mid-40s, so cute has been replaced by creeper, stop ogling my daughter old man! But back then, they would say Pinky Man and hold up their pinky fingers. One of them had suffered her virginity to my brother (he put her in the hospital), and so I guess they were talking genetics. I told one of them, the #3, who was holding up her pinky, Welp, that’s one less penis to worry about in that nasty snatch.

Not the best comeback, but it was enough to hush them up when they realized wasn’t gonna be goaded about my pecker. I remember a lot of the guys watching, and none of them joined in the fun. Sort of like watching the little guy get beat up, but not get beaten, if you know what I mean.

Condoms fit all right, but when I pull out sometimes there’s a one or two inch flap of condom hanging off the top, and I’m like.. Well.. Fuck. Broke a few, slipped a few, so sort of a wash there.

I’ve worn Magnums. Yep. Average Joe in a Mag. Sort of like wearing my dad’s workshirt. Kinda loose and I had to roll up the sleeves, but it fit. Yeah.. It fit. It didn’t slip off, so I’m convinced it fit.

I save a lot on lotion.

Had one girl ask me over the phone, never met, she said, You sound really cute. Do you have a ten inch cock? I said, Hell no, but how about I do you twice as long with half as much.

Now that’s a comeback! She said, Mmm, that sounds good.

There’s one point you all should remember. Girls know the difference between cocky and cock. They may like cock, but they ~love~ cocky. Cockiness goes a long way.

Never had to worry about teeth during oral. And they don’t have to deep throat. They just sort of shallow throat me down to the base, and most of them spend quite a while down there. At least they used to. Many years ago. Fading memory.. Fading.. Fading.. Gone.

Want extra girth? Flip her onto her side and lazy dog it (look up that term). Pry her legs apart. Add a finger. Boom. Instant girth. Plus you can hit the clit or she can use her toy.

No worries about cervical bruising. Pound it hard as you want. That part I think women really enjoy about average penises. There’s no fear involved, no undercurrent thought that she’s going to tear or be sore tomorrow. Likewise, I don’t have to think about it, either. We can just roll around like two spider monkeys fighting over a cantaloupe.

I have no idea what that last part means, but it pretty much describes ideal sex for me.

Of course, there’s nothing unique to her about an average penis, either. You’ll have to do more than thump her on the ass and jam it in. I got really good with my tongue. Made a girl’s hands go numb in college once. One fun trick you can only do once, in the beginning, is to go down on her and let her finish. Go soft while she orgasming, a little fingering and sucking because they get real sensitive, and then, just after she begins to settle but before it’s completely finished, grab her by the ass, both hands, ram your face into it and punish her clit with your tongue. I mean be gentle, don’t hurt her, but take advantage of that sensitivity and keep her clamped while she pounds you on the head and yells at you to stop, stop stop goddammit stop you sonovabitch stop!

But don’t stop. Keep her clamped until she drags you and the sheets and everything else off the bed and onto the floor. She will probably scratch you and damage you skull, but it’s worth it.

Trust me, only try this once, then the joke’s over. I had one threaten to cut off my hands if I did that again, but she couldn’t stop orgasming for like ten minutes. She was a mess. We couldn’t finish (her legs went out and she was pissed), but she told her girlfriends about it. I recall her mumbling about it at a party, having discussed it earlier I guess, and that sort of stuff gets you the same look as when they discuss Battle of the Bulge and everyone wants to see for themselves. It gets them thinking, and ain’t that the trick.

Never had a peeper over the top of my underwear band. I’ve heard guys talk about it.

What else.. Too many stories to recollect.

How about the other Average Joes out there? Speak up. Be proud.

And be confident. I see a lot of posts asking what is the perfect size. You dumbasses, look at the data and stop arguing anecdotal opinions based on the one-dimensional dataset of your own experiences. Stop with the Some-girls argument, we’re talking typical results, not fliers, outliers and exceptions or 2-sigma variants.

Folks, Mother Nature has spoken. She likes average. You can never go wrong with average.

I am Saul, and I am average. At least for now.. ;)

- Saul

I’m also going to take this a step further and apply something that I call "Monkey’s Paw Theory", based on the story by W.W. Jacobs. You can see this anywhere in life. You really can have too much of a good thing. So much so that it becomes negative. Having too much always comes at a loss of something else. Please don’t consider this bragging but here are some of my examples.

We’ll start with height. You’d think being 6’3.5" would be completely awesome in all aspects, right? Not so fast. You have a shorter life expectancy than your average counterparts:

Height and longevity: The research is clear—being tall is hazardous to your health.

Also riding on planes and buying clothes sucks.. And it makes my dick look smaller.

What about high iq? I’ve tested really high on many iq tests but like anything it comes at a cost.. My sanity. I have literally driven myself crazy at times. There’s research to support this as well:

http://elitedai ly.com/life/cul … e-crazy/995625/

Yes. Drinking my way through a Master’s in Engineering without really studying was cool but the price I pay is many sleepless nights of anxiety and depression.

The same goes for anything. Once you’ve passed a few standard deviations away from the norm, your price increases.

Bump that on the smarts. I’m a Chem E, and Shiner Bock is the only reason I made it through college. I drink so I can think like the mortals, sort of the way God turned himself into a man and all, just to communicate in the flesh. Otherwise I’m swatting thoughts all day, all night, all day and night and day and my wife’s like, Calm down, it’ll be all right. And I’m like, But don’t you see, don’t you see?!

She doesn’t see. So I drink away the panic and hand her back the credit card and say, Go ahead and start the Christmas shopping, baby. But I’ll need a back rub later. And a front rub. And I may need to rub your front and back, too.

Lordy. Wish I didn’t know math sometimes.

- Saul

Math is my escape from the crippling anxiety sometimes. I remember feeling down and unnecessarily anxious so I started musing on the Euler Formula and how to prove it. I thought it would keep my thoughts occupied for a long time. Within a week I thought “hmm.. What if I used a Taylor Expansion?” I solved the proof and went back to swatting thoughts.

Most people don’t understand my obsession with math. I’m glad to see someone else does. (:

Check Godel’s Theorem’s.

I recall in high school proving a geometric theorem in my head trying to fall asleep. I woke up, man I was excited because this was HUGE, wrote it down and took it to my teacher. We looked at it for a while, then realized I had derived the Pythagorean Theorem, just in a different form than we’re used to seeing. I remember using x,y,z instead of the traditional a,b,c.

So yeah. I get it. I still add consecutive numbers and double check with the divide-by rule to fall asleep.

As Channing Tatum said so accurately in 22 Jump Street: Fuck you, brain!

- Saul