Back after a long lay off.

Thanks for the support and advice guys. I do appreciate it.

The reason I asked about the soul ties were because of my wife’s previous sexual relationships before we met. She was extremely sexually active and that is causing extreme pressures on our relationship. Its hard to explain how exactly, but it is. The road is long and at times it feels like it isn’t worth it. Cheating would be easy as I am rather a desired man, but she is also the jealous type and that would destroy her. So I either have to commit fully or just decide its not worth it and move on. My feelings keep changing, so I don’t even trust myself at this stage. Its been months since we had sex and sometimes I just think if I get something on the side things would be better, but then I keep reminding me of my love for her and how things were in the beginning, and decide to keep working. Its difficult, but I cling to the hope that it would be worth it. I didn’t have many sexual encounters before meeting her. One to be exact. So that is also a thing bothering me. Wondering how it is with other women. But hey. Just have to stay focused.

Very interesting. I just googled soul ties and it was enlightening. As you already know, it is basically a premature emotional entanglement of two individuals due two a physical engagement prior to a contientious connection. I also noticed that there was much religious context within everything that I read.

Putting all the buzz words aside, it goes both ways and as always, anything taken to extreme leaves a blind spot in its wake. Too much physical passion without clarity of true conscious connection, gamble. Too much conscious connection with disregard for each individuals ultimate true physical desires, gamble.

Who are we, how do we feel, where do we really want to be? It’s complex and in the end we win with those we strive to be forthcoming with.

In all of the above I failed to mention the most important of all, I truly wish that your wife finds health.

Much love

Pleasing

On the long run, a good relationship is in my humble opinion mostly based on mutual good communication. And there is no moment for postponing this - I mean in general, not on the daily situations. It’s obvious you do not dive into the subject right after waking up or just before sleeping. But that talk has to be done like you do the counseling - regular, calm and often.

My Madame for example has a lot of guilt feelings because she can’t give me anymore what I need. But she is partially relieved that I found PE as “male hobby” which does not only fill free time but makes me more proud and manly. It reduces her guilt. I never was stealth, but that’s the way we handle it.

She even had phases where she seriously told me I should get a girlfriend in order to fullfil my sexual needs. But I never did, as I know that this would open another battlefield: jealousy. So I had some slips in faithfulness, but never told her. Because I know that the rise in jealousy would by far outweigh the reduction of guilt.

As for me, I admit there were years when this topic occupied my mind a lot. I even had thoughts of divorce. But my feeling of love still grows stronger as our relationship evolves. So I decided to go on with her. And my actual mindset regarding sex is: if the occasions presents, I do not stop myself. But I am not actively looking for those occasions.

It’s not a solution - it’s a workaround. But solutions in relationships are rare, but a good workaround that fits in the actual situation is sufficient. And who knows how things evolve in the future? That’s why for me the workaround mindset is more honest than a long-term solution.

Maybe just because we knew that a chronic sickness affects relationships, we did not have the famous ‘till death do part’ formula at our wedding. We replaced it by ‘as long as you want’. Honesty is important to both of us.

And the last thing that is something special is her membership at EXIT. It’s an association for assisted suicide, a solution which in Switzerland is legal. She joined after a terrible 2013, where she came at the limits of what one can carry as burden in life. So if her sickness gets too heavy, she is free to decide. I accept and support her in this because I understand that there are limits of suffering levels - and of dependency. She does not want to be depending on care and reduce her autonomy. And, being 52, she has achieved her most important life goal: having two wonderful kids of 30 and 28 who both are settled in life. No grand-children yet, but both are in relationships too.

That membership changed our perspective on life a lot - we don’t know how much time we have left, and this is not a general statement but a very concrete and actual feeling. Her illness is of the auto-immune but not contagious type, so it “develops” in partly predictable but mostly unforeseen jumps. Each jump can reduce her physical abilities and mobility considerably. And that makes our life a kind of gambling. Never knowing what happens next.

Why do I tell you all this? Simply to say there are ways to live a good and fulfiling relationship even if sexuality is impacted by a health deficiency.

Is our way to be recommended? Yes, when it’s about honesty and communication. No when it comes to your own life situation because everybody is different.

All I say is that whatever the way is, it should be chosen by both and it’s not an eternal solution. It may as well be a workaround. And that has to be talked out until real consensus is reached.

Thank again. Yes it has a strong religious connection. We are Christian (big shock) and went to a Christian counselor. So it was handled in a religious way but I feel it was very good. Since the counseling I have felt much better inside (what people would be your soul). I have felt more at peace and just more relaxed. My sex drive have gone down to the point where I don’t even care that we don’t have a sex life any more. Just want to get her healthy and work on our relationship. Yes it flares up and then its difficult, but it flares up less and less. So I see it as a good thing.

I am not shocked.

As long as it helps and opens the door to intra-couple communication on a frequent base, it’s good.

It has to suit the two of you, nobody else.

And I’m glad it helped you already by know. Just go on with talking and finding a way.
Every day!

Thanks for the perspective. I can take things very personal, and sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that’s going through something, or who is feeling like I’m feeling. So thanks for giving me a little perspective. Well the lack of a sex life has been a big issue for me, but its becoming less and less of an issue. I’m basically just focusing on my PE at the moment, but she asked me to stop back when we still had a sex life, and I did, but now I have returned, because no sex life=no say about what I do with my dick. I have never, and probably will never cheat. I’m just not like that. I’m a very committed person. There has been ample opportunity to cheat, and I said no to all. So I am working on everything from my PE to my marriage and I hope to have good news in the coming weeks. Today she is picking up new medication which is suppose to help in the sex department, but nothing has helped her thus far, so I’m not getting my hopes up. With the recurring cysts and blood clot, the doctors have told her that it would be life threatening to try and have another child and it would be better to get a hysterectomy, but she doesn’t want to and is avoiding that route with everything in her, because she always imagined us have 3 children. We only have one which is already a miracle, because things aren’t all that healthy in there with her. So under normal circumstances it would be unlikely for her to fall pregnant again, and with all the new information, basically impossible. So I don’t know why she is avoiding it. But hey, its a huge decision. But things are going better.

On “soul ties” -

The teaching I’ve heard on this (from a Christian perspective incidentally) was that in joining with another during sex, we link not just the physical but our spiritual and/or soulish components as well (so they counsel be very careful who you sleep with). They also taught that unless these ties are “broken” (and they could be through let’s say, prayer) they keep us linked to the people and/or emotions for whatever good or bad that might bring. Not so much in the way of a scriptural basis - more experiential & anecdotal, but interestingly explains some scenarios if you believe this possible.

On loving well -

There’s a love to which you gents refer that is deep & abiding. My wife & I found that despite great problems, if you can manage to outlast the tough times the relationship can transcend into something deeper than you ever imagined which is where I think you’re going or have gone.

The physical challenges my wife faced pale in comparison, rather the challenge was her living with an incredibly, emotionally abusive monster prior to me getting help. And in our case the love was pretty much gone so I’m incredibly thankful for her forgiveness and the fact that our love was reborn.

Of course none of us are alone in experiencing some version of relationship challenges - maybe the biggest difference is to what depth our valleys reach but in some of my darkest times, a quote from Tolkien reminded me I had options in how I’d manage the cards I’d been dealt:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

While we are all imperfect human beings, you (Pleasingthewife & Richard65) have chosen to try to love well in the time given - you both have my respect (and some prayers (or energy if you prefer) sent in your directions).

QL

Thanks for the respect (and prayers, can never get enough of those). On the soul ties, yes that’s exactly how it was explained to us, and yes we did break them. On the love, well I can only try. My wife was also in an abusive relationship where she was basically raped as well, so I can understand but not fully, that sex has a bad taste for her. But I find myself caring less and less about it as time goes on. I’m at a point where even if and when she is ready, I don’t think I will sleep with her. Because I don’t want to become that sex craved horn dog, just to be left without satisfaction. In counseling my wife admitted how much I help her and made her a better person at the beginning of our relationship, and it was as if a light came on that I’m not at fault alone. That she also has fault that she needs to work on but its almost as if she refuses to accept them. She just looks for faults from my side. But hey, its a work in progress.

An update on things. On the relationship. Things are getting better. Our communication is really improving. And attitude towards each other is much better. Things she would usually start a fight over she handles differently and its a breath of fresh air. She has decided to change her diet. I’m thankful for that, because it will lead to faster healing and less problems in future. You can’t force to follow a diet, she has to decide on her own. Its like to quit smoking. Last night we somehow got to pregnancy and I jokingly said “well I’m not planning on getting pregnant any time soon.” (Yes I have a dry sense of humor, meaning me, a man, planning on getting pregnant.) She smiled, but she is use to me making comments like that. And she in turn said she is also not planning on getting pregnant any time soon. I replied with “I would hope so. There’s a physical activity that needs to be done before you can become pregnant which is not happening.” And that my friends is when I realized I have spoken before I have thought about what I’m saying. I braced for the backlash. Knowing here comes a fight. But to my surprise she actually grabbed my as, looked at me with a naughty look in her eyes and just said “hey” as in, don’t start. But it was in a good way. So that surprised me.

On a personal note. My sex drive is gone. After two and a half months of no sex. I still get good erections, but just don’t want sex. So guess I’m in a good space, seeing as I’m not getting any.

On the PE front, things are going well. I have started adding extra stretches during the day, and that showing some promising signs. I was jelqing in the shower last night, and my dick looked thinner than usual, which is usually a sign of length gains. The light is very bad in the shower, so I can’t be sure, but I’m taking that as motivation to keep doing what I’m doing. If it turns out that it indeed does look thinner, I will just work in some squeezes like usual.

PTW

The baby question is highly emotional and in the same time has to be discussed in a couple on a quite sober base.
You mentioned that you had three kids in planning and are now happy that all went well with the first.
In the meantime, your wife has some serious problems and having a second pregnancy already would be risky.

This situation has two aspects: the emotional side and the health.

On the emotional side, for a woman having kids is a fulfilment that men can’t really follow at 100%.
Despite all emancipation, I am still thinking that the bound between mother and child is different than between father and child.
She literally gives birth and life. We men just give life. That’s simply not the same thing. So maybe your wife feels that she has not “given enough”.
Or she simply doesn’t want to be your child a single child. Or she wants to prove her love to you by another child or strengthen the bound between the two of you.
These thoughts are complicated for us men to follow, but that does not mean that for women they are not valid.
But they should be discussed. There is nothing worse than a suppressed emotion which years later comes suddenly back in the form of an incorrigible reproach.

And then you should ask yourself if you want more kids too. Have expressed this wish in the past, and that may have created pressure on her.

This, by the way, can explain too why her libido is quite down at the moment. Libido rarely is just a bodily issue - the mind plays a bigger role than usually perceived.
So talking about these issues can help her regain stability and maybe a little libido too.

Then health: that’s a more rational part. It’s all about risks of health getting worse by a pregnancy against the fact of having more kids.
And there is, in addition, the risk of having a successful second (or third) pregnancy) and be sick afterwards.
That is a question to be reviewed too I think.
For us, my Madame and me, that was the key question when we decided to plan a future.
Her chronic disease was then freshly discovered and the very key reason for not having kids on our own (she has two wonderful kids which are adults by now).
We knew after having discussed it for a couple of times was that it is egoistic for us to fulfil a desire for having another kid or two (especially for me as I do not have kids on my own) for feeling again/finally as parent - but knowing she will be a sick mother.

Sometimes one has to face fate. Maybe the two of you are not intended to have another kid but focus all your love on the kid you have.
That is a very harsh formulation, but it is worth to think about it and talk it out.
Not now, not tomorrow, but certainly not to be procrastinated for a long time.

Again, I know it’s a very delicate subject, and that’s why I have to accentuate that this is just my very subjective opinion.

R65

Thank you for your thoughts mr Richard.

Like I said, it was out before I could think about it. So yes, but the fact that she handled it differently that usual, means that things are improving between us. So I see it positively. On the actual discussion, we have talked about it a little. She isn’t really ready for a full on discussion about it so I won’t press, but when I told her that I’m open to surrogacy she said really, with huge surprised look on her face and after I confirmed, she sort of relaxed and it was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. But there is still things that needs to be discussed, but like I said, I won’t push. I will wait till she is ready. The three children is more her dream. I’m really happy with the child we have and if I was to be totally honest, I think the only time I would try for another is to try for a boy. But nobody has control over that. But yes, a lot of discussions need to take place, but she still has a lot of work to do on her mental state and all the illnesses aren’t helping. She hasn’t been for a follow up with the counselor, so I’m hoping that she will go soon. I’m just being patient at this stage, working on myself. Oh and I quit porn about three weeks ago and haven’t looked back and that’s been a great help.

“Oh and I quit porn about three weeks ago and haven’t looked back and that’s been a great help.”

Nice job. In and of itself but even more so in terms of how you’re handling your circumstances.

Thanks man. Its really appreciated. The brotherhood at thunders helps tremendously.

It’s what keeps me around.

Well things were looking good on the recovery track until this morning. The medicine that was suppose to stop her infection has caused a flare up. That is really counter productive and extremely frustrating. Guess this will also be a sort of permanent thing. Talk about a blow. Fighting hard so depression doesn’t set in as I’m prone to depression. Trying to keep my chin up. Skipped my session last night as well. Feeling frustrated.