Finding Myself - A Journey

Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for the novel-of-a-post, but I promise future updates will not be as lengthy. I’ve been thinking about what to write for a while, so this may come off as verbal diarrhea.

This is my first post, and I am very happy to have found this website. I debated for a while whether I should post a public or private log. In the end, I believed that with feedback from the members of this forum as well as giving me motivation to continue, it would be best to share my thoughts, struggles, and (hopefully) triumphs to serve as a learning tool for others in the future.

I also think that writing out my anxieties to a large audience can help me process my emotions more effectively and grow both physically and in maturity. I was aware of PE since I was in high school, but did not have enough discipline to keep motivated. I wish I had, but better late than never!

My History
I will start off by saying I am in my mid-20’s, Asian, gay, and live in the US. I think these details are relevant because I truly believe that someone in the future might come across this thread and say, “Hey, he sounds like me. If he had success, maybe I can too.” If I can make someone else feel a bit less alone, then I will continue to carry on.

I grew up in the Midwest, so a predominantly white (>85%) population with little to no Asians. It wasn’t extraordinarily difficult to relate to my friends, but it wasn’t easy either. I always had a skewed sense of self growing up. I moved to the West Coast after college, and (ironically) experienced some culture shock with the large Asian population. I think this twisted my self-perception even more. I find myself successful in most aspects of my life (career, social, family), but have many issues with self-esteem.

My Motivations
I do not speak for everyone like me, but I can assume that most Asian males in the US have, at some point, been teased, embarrassed, or ignored because of that killer stereotype. Whether this stereotype is true or not (I am not here to refute or prove that), it can cause serious and long-term psychological damage and self-esteem issues. A perfect example of this is Hollywood’s willingness to make fun of this stereotype (I often think of the scenes in Scary Movie 1 and The Hangover). I know many members of this site suffer from anxiety, but imagine when the culture you grow up in tells you you’re not a man. I can ignore people, but it’s difficult to ignore media.

So with that being said, my goal is to, above all else, grow as a human being, and more specifically find my sense of masculinity in this world. I can’t change society and their perceptions of me. I can’t change what the media chooses to portray. But I can try and change the way that society has made me view myself. I can become better, and hopefully someday leave all these negative feelings behind me.

Relationships
I am lucky that I have never had someone I like make fun of my size or humiliate me. I have read through stories on this site and the effects that those ignorant and mean-spirited comments can cause. My heart breaks for these guys, and I hope I never have to experience that trauma. I am even luckier that I have been in a long-term relationship for several years, and he is the most caring boyfriend I could have hoped for.

I felt comfortable enough to speak to him last week about my concerns and anxieties. Although he could not fully relate, he understood and reassured me. The most surprising part was when I told him that I will be over it in a few days before the next wave of anxiety hits, he told me to face my issues. He told me that now is the perfect time – while I’m in the midst of it all – to face my demons head on. Even though I am on this PE journey alone, it is nice to know he is there if I need him. So I am doing this for myself. But as a side-effect, I am also doing this for our relationship too.

Routine
I am starting out with a slightly modified version of the Newbie Routine and Linear Routine. I am lowering the amount of jelqs and slowly building up in the next three months. I started on 05/01/2017 with this routine:

Routine for 05/01/2017 – 05/06/2017
5 mins – warm up (shower)
5 mins – stretching (down, up, 2 sides, circle – 30 secs each, 2 reps)
2.5 mins – Dry Jelq (50-3 sec) (I am uncircumcised, so using method of pulling back foreskin)
5 mins – warm down (shower)
30 kegels (3 sec hold – 3 sec rest)

Routine for 05/07/2017 – 05/13/2017
5 mins – warm up (shower)
5 mins – stretching (down, up, 2 sides, circle – 30 secs each, 2 reps)
3 mins – Dry Jelq (60-3 sec)
5 mins – warm down (shower)
30 kegels (3 sec hold – 3 sec rest)

I will be slowing increasing the stretching and jelqs for 3 months until I reach:

5 mins – warm up (shower)
10 mins – stretching (down, up, 2 sides, circle – 30 secs each, 4 reps)
10 mins – Dry Jelq (200-3 sec)
5 mins – warm down (shower)
Kegels - TBD

Currently, I am doing 1-on 1-off with the exception of Sunday-Monday. So my schedule will look something like:

Sunday: Routine 1
Monday: Routine 1
Tuesday: Rest
Wednesday: Routine 1
Thursday: Rest
Friday: Routine 1
Saturday: Rest
Sunday: Routine 2
Etc…

I am fully aware that even if I gain 3 inches in a year, this could very well not fix my body image issues. Therefore, I am also looking into credible and effective exercises to help with (a possible) body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). The most likely candidate is to try some form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), as it seems to have had success with people suffering from this condition. I will do more research on this and update in future posts for those interested.

I believe with this two-pronged plan of attack, I can optimize my overall well-being and leave the old me behind!

Starting Stats
05/01/2017
BPEL: 13.1cm (5.1in)
NBPEL: 12.1cm (4.7in)
EG (mid-shaft): 10.7cm (4.2in)
EG (base): 10.6cm (4.1in)

Goals
NBPEL: 16.5cm (6.5in)
EG (average): 12.7cm (5.0in)

Questions/Concerns
1.)    How does my plan look? I am deathly afraid of injuries so I want to take it slow.
2.)    How do you deal with rumination? I find myself incessantly checking my stuff (common for BDD), often imagining that it is shrinking (when in reality is it normal flaccid size or slightly engorged). Could this feeling be a result of PE? I am afraid of becoming obsessed, and want to try and have a sanity check every now and then.
3.)    Is doing kegels on off-days alright? Or should try and let everything completely rest?
4.)    I am keeping a close eye on my PIs as well. They have been all over the place, and I will try to see if there is a consistent pattern throughout the following weeks.
5.)    Is there a forum app for this site? Has anyone thought of creating one (for mobile ease)?
6.)    Any other suggestions on anything!

Again, I am grateful to have found such a supportive community, and hope to become more active as a result. Sorry about the long rant. Future updates will be more concise. If you feel like discussing anything (PE-related or not), I’ll respond to this thread as well as PMs. Thanks for reading!

Happy Monday!

Thank you for telling your story. You will get some great advice here relative to your routine as well as anything else that you throw up on the table.

Your self awareness is great.

Stay positive, be consistent with your PE and welcome to Thunders!

Hi iamrossenbaum,

Your goals are realistic. Not only that but your routine looks safe and well thought out. Reducing the routine gives you more time to really gauge how you feel about PE. Many Newbies like to force their progress and forget to watch their Physiological Indicators more closely. I sense this will not be a problem with you. Still, do not be afraid to ask for help.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder will be a thing to overcome. As someone who has only recently overcome it, it is a Hellish mistress and cares not for common sense, facts or reality. I do hope that therapy can help you, of whatever kind you choose. I’m unfamiliar with exactly what “Cognitive Behavior Therapy” actually is but I wish you all the best with it.

Good luck, man.

Thank you guys for the warm welcome! It’s interesting that after posting my introduction, I felt a lot of the anxiety I had slowly dissipate. Maybe posting here is very cathartic, so I will try to do it often.

Thank you! I believe that when you can’t find the answers out there in the world, sometimes you have to look inside yourself. But luckily I found this forum!

I’m glad to hear that you were able to overcome your BDD. Do you ever talk about it in your posts, or is it something that you tend to keep more private about? I haven’t explored too much yet, but CBT is basically a methodical way of slowly changing the way you think about things – reducing the amount of negative internal self-talk. On the surface, it probably doesn’t seem all that effective, but I believe it has been shown to be just as effective as medication for treating certain psychological disorders (especially anxiety and depression). I will definitely read more about it, and post updates!

Routine Update

5 mins – warm up (shower)

5 mins – stretching (down, up, 2 sides, circle – 30 secs each, 2 reps)

3 mins – Dry Jelq (60-3 sec) – I switch hands every 15 jelqs, and kegel when needed

5 mins – warm down (shower)

30 kegels (3 sec hold – 3 sec rest)

This was the first time that I have done back-to-back PE sessions in two days. I was a little hesitant at first, but everything seemed to turn out fine. While jelqing, I was able to maintain a 60-80% erection relatively easily. The previous week was a struggle (30-60% erections).

Positive PIs:

1.) Larger flaccid hang all night. There was initial shrinkage (not too much) for about 30-60 minutes after PE.

2.) Less flaccid shrinkage after cardio workout. Still larger flaccid on day after PE.

3.) Strong erections without any physical stimulation when talking to S/O.

4.) Increased sex drive (ever since starting PE last week).

Neutral PIs:

1.) Both flaccid and erect penis felt “squishier,” like there was a layer of fluid. Could be due to engorgement or fluid retention in the foreskin.

2.) Slight soreness around base of penis. Could be auxiliary from leg-related exercises.

3.) Slight morning wood. Could be due to being a newbie and doing stretching exercises.

Negative PIs:

1.) None

Observations:

After my PE session, I did not masturbate to ejaculation. I also did not edge – just left everything alone. I believe I did this on most days last week (first week of PE is difficult). This could attribute to the increased flaccid size and better EQ.

Goals:

1.) Get more sleep! I’ve only been sleeping around 4.5 hours per night. I would like to increase it to at least 6.5 hours.

2.) Create a consistent EQ measurement scale for myself. It’ll be easier to compare week-to-week changes quantitatively. I’ll post my scale in a future post.

3.) Get more protein. I eat healthily with a lot of vegetable and fruits, but I need to incorporate more protein in my diet.

In an effort to stay motivated, I am also going to implement short-term goals.

Next Short Term Goal:

NBPEL: 13.5cm (5.3in)

EG (average): 10.8cm (4.25in)

I do talk about it. In my progress log. First link in my signature. I talk about a lot of y mental aspects of PE in it. I invite you to read.

Hi TG,

I’ve read through a couple of pages of your journey, and there is a lot of interesting and thought-provoking content in there. I’m going to take my time reading through the rest in the next few days. Thanks for all the help!

Hey ianrossenbaum, welcome aboard man!

Thanks for sharing your story - so many parts resonated with my experiences. Hopefully you never experience this but as a recovering sex addict, I’ve engaged in CBT for some of my issues and it helped me in areas that my 12-step recovery group and other therapists couldn’t - powerful stuff.

So many of my issues (that found their outworking in harmful behaviors) were based in not loving and accepting myself - never letting anyone in for fear that once they knew me, they couldn’t possibly love or even like me. Your deal is different but it sounds like you get that CBT helps us to replace bad, shame-based behaviors with good behaviors while replacing lies with affirming truths about ourselves. It was one of the best things I’ve ever done and took a level of admitting I had issues that I couldn’t otherwise overcome (which you’ve already done, so you’re part of the way there!) and then seeking out help - kudos!!!

I wish you the best with your PE efforts and I can tell you that my modest success has helped my own BDD issues immensely. However, even more so, I wish you the best with facing down those demons and silencing any of the lies that haunt and taunt you. Best of luck!

QL

Good luck mate.

Thank you for the well wishes, fightclub!

Hey Quantum Leap, thank you for the thoughtful reply! I read through your log and I really like your humor and the optimism between the lines. I don’t think I have an addictive personality, and I can’t imagine how difficult that would be (I guess I used to have an unhealthy obsession with Pokemon cards – but didn’t we all?). It’s interesting how we’re all so susceptible to how we perceive other people’s perception of us. Your experiences in the locker room sounds horrible, and I am thankful that I dodged that bullet. When you started CBT, did you physically go to a therapist, or was it more of a self-guided journey?

It looks like we have very similar goals (you’re almost there!), and seeing your progress is very inspiring! Even though I’m only closing out my second week of PE, I sometimes find myself losing motivation. But reading threads like yours, and imagining where I can be in a year, really puts me back on track. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope we’ll both achieve our goals.

Once I burned through several therapists and found one that knew my stuff and that I couldn’t con (he’d been a sex/alcohol addict himself), he directed to a multi-faceted approach to dealing with my issues.

He encouraged me to get marital counseling , to do an out-of-state “intensive”, to join a 12-step recovery group and somewhere in the midst of several years of seeing him (and doing all the above) we had discussions about CBT - tons of advice, discussions, exercises, goal-setting and he advised me to read several books on the topic as well.

Gotta say the recovery group was the most helpful for me because it forced me into accountability with men I couldn’t con, but CBT was very helpful then and residually.

QL

Hi Iamrossenbaum

Have browsed through your logbook and consider it pretty interesting. So allow me to drop a few words in here.

Considering PE I guess you build a solid routine based “just” on stretching and jelqing. I consider this a pretty safe approach, which I always support. Just your build-up rhythm seems a bit fast to me - you add 50% more duration each week. I’d say that’s a bit fast, my personal experience (I am actually in a re-start after a long break) shows me it’s better to go a bit slower. I tried and calculated a kind of a “intensity factor” with warm-up and warm-down as factor 1, stretching as factor 2 and jelqing as factor 3. When doing everything for comparable time slots (I use 5 minute slots) I try to calculate the “training impact on my penis” for every session. Then, by modifying frequency (days per week) and intensity (number of stretching/jelqing blocks per training), I plan ahead a routine which make incremental steps of maximum 25% and changes only every 2 weeks. Just as an idea for maybe going a wee bit slower… I was enthusiastic on my first PE journey too and encountered a first plateau after 4 months only. Maybe a slow approach can prevent or at least push this a bit further.

Considering BDD, I can’t really tell you other things than what I lived through myself. I always considered myself small because I was, for the first 30 years of my life, always on the very skinny side. So in consequence my brain told me that a thin guy automatically must have a small dick. It was only when I made my introduction lecture here at Thundersplace that I realized that my dick was already without enlargement in the very upper percentile of the size statistic. So imagine - for nearly 80% of my active sexual life I thought I was small!

But: BDD made myself do some great things. Not PE-wise, but in sports. I was so anxious and jealous of the other muscled looks (especially between 15 and 20) I threw myself into some heavy sports activity: cycling, running and freelance climbing. Plus for making money I worked in construction, did timber and some other manual jobs for getting some money. I did it with great expectations (especially body-wise) and… nothing happened! And when I finally found out that I am the slim body type for ever, it was already too late: I was addicted to adrenaline. Only after years I realized why I was so sports-addicted. Ok, doesn’t disturb me, at least it allows me to be or get in shape pretty quickly.

The key to all this is: ask yourself what peer-group your mind does compare yourself with. I was in a college class of 6’3”-guys mostly playing handball or soccer. So I felt small and tried to be better - only to develop a perfect runners body but still looking like a matchstick with clothes on. And yes, for my mind I realized that I may not look “superior” but I am able to deliver some performances where “stronger or bigger” men will give up. That’s probably the reason why I am so much into rucking (walking with weights). So by now (I’m 51 by now) my peer group is the other guys between 50 and let’s say 55. I personally know nobody who is able to walk 10kms with 25kgs on the back in 1h30mins in this age group. But I do. So I have a reason to feel kind of “better than the others”. Now if I change my peer group to guys of 20years, I will have a lot of competing guys who EASILY can deliver that. In Switzerland we call the Infantry men at the end of their basic training. So you see - it’s all about who you compare yourself with.

Ok, a lot of words…

Just a last one: please get more sleep - that’s essential for every growth process in our bodies!

Greetings and encouragement.

Richard65

Hi Richard65,

Thank you for all the advice and encouragement! Yes, I am hoping to only be doing stretching and jelqing exercises (and their variations) for the first 6 months. I would like to refrain from ADS or other devices if possible, but not ruling them out for the future.

Currently I am only increasing 10 jelqs per week, and not changing the stretching duration. I am not sure what you mean when you say I am increasing by 50% each week. Maybe I mistyped a number somewhere, but I definitely want to take things slow. Currently I should only be adding 30 seconds per week to my overall PE duration (excluding kegels).

That is very interesting to see the perspective of someone who was very skinny! When I was younger, I was relatively chubby until I reached high school age. Since then, I’ve been lean, but never skinny. But from my experience, it always seems that skinnier guys tend to have larger penises. Of course, this could also be because of proportion and perspective relative to the body frame. Your experience does prove how irrational and unforgiving BDD of all forms can be. I am really happy that you were also able to find Thunder’s Place and get some peace of mind.

There is definitely a silver lining to BDD. It is really cool to see that we come from opposite sides. I also threw myself into sports, but from the other end. Since I was overweight in elementary and middle school, I joined a lot of endurance sports teams. I split my time between cross country and swimming, and eventually completed my first marathon in college.

Routine Update

5 mins – warm up (shower)

5 mins – stretching (down, up, 2 sides, circle – 30 secs each, 2 reps)

3.5 mins – dry jelq (70 – 3sec)

5 mins – warm down (shower)

40 kegels (3 sec hold – 3 sec rest)

Positive PIs:

1.) Larger flaccid hang. There does not seem to be much, if any, shrinkage after a PE session.

2.) Erections still feel strong and last longer without any physical stimulation.

Neutral PIs:

1.) Slight soreness around base of penis sometimes. This usually only occurs for part of the day after PE, but subsides completely by the next PE session.

2.) Not much morning or evening wood still. But more morning wood than the previous week.

3.) Some difficulty maintaining erection level while jelqing.

Negative PIs:

1.) None

Observations:

It’s interesting to see how quickly PE becomes a part of your life. While I still have to consciously make time for my routines, it is not as “disruptive” as it was during the first week. In my first post, I also asked about how to limit ruminations, and I think the answer is just time. While I still think about my penis every now and then, the thoughts are not as intrusive as they were when I first started PE. This might be because it is more routine and less novel now. I have also noticed that if I have trouble maintaining an erection, jelqing in a seated position helps some.

Goals:

1.) Still trying to get more sleep. I am averaging 5 hours now, but slowly increasing it. My goal is to still get at least 6.5-7.5 hours of sleep. Once I move into my new home much closer to work, it will help with this a lot.

Next Short Term Goal:

NBPEL: 13.5cm (5.3in)

EG (average): 10.8cm (4.25in)

Heya Ian

Yeah, the increase you mention now is definitely on the slow and cautious side. I think you have a very sound routine in mind.

Erection level during jelqing: I struggled with that too in the beginning. I developed a simple trick with visualization, basically looking at my unit while jelqing and imagining how it will be bigger in the future. And voilà: erection started to grow :-) :-)

The numbness at the base is from stretching. Can last a couple of hours, as long as it disappears its ok.

Good work, man!