Anal tear, rhoids, cancer?

Hi, I wondered if you could help me because I am getting really worried.
I just want to establish that I cannot go doctors, no way! I am too shy and its just not gonna be possible for me unless COMPLETELY neccessary.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I am a hypercondriac so I can’t stop worrying and its making me ill and giving me pains “caused by my panic attacks of the situation”.
Basically, I have had blood in my stools and on the paper when I wipe for a few years and I have never done anything about it cos I thought it was just a tear - it only bled when I slightly strained, if I went easily then there was no blood. This went on for a while but then it stopped because I started to limit the amount I went to the toilet and tried to go as lightly as possible, the blood stopped about a week after this and then I could naturally continue to go normally.

That was two years ago, but recently it has come back (last 2 months). And it hasn’t stopped and blood comes out each time I go (whether I go easily or not now).
It is really worrying me, the blood is bright red but occasionally if I go toilet without really needing to and strain a tiny bit then most of the blood is red but there is also a small dark piece of blood in the stool. But I never got overly worried because it used to seem okay if i went lightly.

I think I have cancer and it is worrying me SICK, could you please help without pulling any punches? I have no pain or anything, just a slight discomfort after excreting, but i think that is because of my paranoia of it.
I suppose I will go doctors if it carries on much longer, just want some help on here first, PLEASE! Is there anything I can do to try to cure it? Incase its a tear or something.

Im counting on you guys for as much response as possible, please, just for this post - I am really relying on you, Im scared outta my mind.

Thank you so much if you can help me in anyway.

It’s COMPLETELY necessary, go see a doctor.

I can’t give you any medical advice, but like you, I am a bit of a hypochondriac, and have freaked out before, about things that I really shouldn’t have freaked out about.

Breathe. Calm down. It is most likely NOTHING sinister.

Go to the doctor first thing in the morning. If only to put your mind at ease asap.

Take it easy until then,
Zig

You should go to see a doctor, don’t think, about certain things, unless you know exactly what is it.

Best luck to you, be calm dude.

I want to add to that statement, do not pass go, do not collect $200.00 —-Get your happy ass to the doctor.

Anytime there is blood in the stools, its a warning sign of something possibly serious. I too have had blood on the paper, its like once a year, I have small tears (I went to the doctor). If the bleeding is continous its serious. It is NOW time to go to the doctor, I don’t give a rats fanny if you are shy, get it there NOW.

This is YOUR life my friend, don’t take it lightly.

Dont stress over it. None of us can diagnose you over the net. Go see a doctor, dont worry about it. I have a doctor who is a friend, and believe me, he could care less about seeing someones butt. They are there to help. :)

I’ve had blood on my toilet paper for years. Hemorrhoids…I think. I don’t like doctors either and being naked around people is something I avoid at all costs.

You need to know if it is just bleeding hemorrhoids are something serious up there. I had a bad case back in college but this was just from heavy squatting in the gym.

I was completely mortified because it was my old family doc who had old, long fingers…….Oh boy! He was totally professional about it and proceded to slap the gloves on and “feel around” up in there. No problems but I damn well got myself in and laughed about the experience later.

Make an appointment with your MD immediately!

Dude, have you not posted this in a different form like at least three other times? We all give you the same advice, over and over. Yet you continue to ignore it. What do you want? No really? I just want to know.

Are you expecting us to fly over to your country, tale a taxi from the airport, then dial in our universal translators to your version of off-English? If so, I hope we have subtitles, cause if it was anything like Trainspotting, we are going to have yet another failure to communicate. I can pitch “Arse lookers” to the BBC and we can get funding for this new reality show. Think of the fame you will have.

If you are so neurotic about having someone look at your “Arse”, work around it. Go to the local Kinkos and photocopy your ass and send it to a doctor. There he can look at it and tell you what is wrong. Simple enough for you?

Don’t you people have that socialized medicine over there in Europe? Go to a doctor, preferably a gastro-intestinolgist. Get on your fabled public transportation system and go a few counties over to a doctor there. That way it will be harder for him to talk to the locals about your ass.Just go, get your girlfriend to put a trash bag over your head, so that the photographers can’t take pictures of you coming out of the butt doctor’s office and sell it to the Sun, so I can report it in the news section. Live like a star, even when getting your bum peeked at, you know?

Spend the extra money for either royal toilet paper with the multi-ply good shit or buy baby wipes for your burning ass. Don’t buy the bargain toilet tissue cause it is just white 32 grit sandpaper pained white. Stay away from colored toilet paper too. Personally I like to color it myself, I have a work ethic when bombing Hanoi. Don’t read on the toilet either, shit or get off the pot as we say her in Yankee land. That cuts down on your roids, if that is what you have or an anal fissure.

Go buy some fiber products. Not like a rope to chew on, but like Metamucil and drink it everyday. That will loosen up the little pebble bricks that cause you straining. I used to take max dosages of it and eat bagels. I once dropped a friend off at the pool who coiled around the bowl like a fat python 2.25 times. I was so proud of myself. I wanted to take a picture of it.

Go the doctor to get some really good script for your neurotic fits. You know shit that works so good that they don’t even have it in America yet. This will cut down on your obsessing and lighten the load of crap you put on yourself. Self made stress only aggravates your problem, so don’t screw yourself in the ass over it.

You should get a blood test to see what other markers and signs are floating your way. Also if they ask for a stool sample, you can’t shit in the toilet. This only contaminates it, so crap in a bag and they give you this little spoon and a pill case to put the tiny part of your deuce in to examine. Don’t let you bagged crap go to waste though, keep it and have a lighter near by. Place it on someone’s doorstep you don’t like, ring the door bell and light it. Make sure you run away too. They’ll stamp it out instinctively when they see it and get poo on their shoe.

Dude, I have told you my story of needing barbiturates to even leave my house and still clutch my gutty works in. Wait till you get to the point I was and it feels like white hot razors slowly sliding from your stomach to your ass. I have so many doctors look at my ass, that your head would explode. They didn’t even buy me diner either. Bastards! I feel used.

Get over your madness and just go Einstein. I am sure you can get a witchdoctor on the net to bless your ass for $20. Maybe that will cure it? If a rabid dog bit you would you sit at home and do nothing? Good God, if you broke your penis from some crazy shit here. You would just let it fall off after it turns brown and bloated like those Ball Park franks I microwave and forget to slit open.

Last choice is buy a set of good mirrors and go to medical school and diagnose yourself. It should only be 5 plus years at that. Can you wait that long?

Your choice.

Is it really possible to light a poo?

Ziggy,

It has to be in a brown paper bag which is combustable. Since it is paper it is easy to go up, just like the Hindenburg over Lakehurst, New Jersey. People react to the fire and stomp out the burning bag, not knowing the tirds are in there. They get it all over their shoe and you get a tiny tic-tac of vengence and a good laugh.

PS: Get a bunch of Valium and take it then go to the doctor. That should ease your worries. Of course you need to see a doctor to get the script so just get it all done at once.

:p Thanks Twat

Hey Twat,

BTW You’ll appreciate this. I have to log off now, because I’m about to go and watch a special preview of ‘The Merchant of Venice’ with Al Pacino, that my mum won two tickets to. Tell you about it later.

Rundown: Go to the doctor!!!

The whole thing was hilarious, but I didnt know about this. My advice at this point since you are bleeding out your butt, and dont want to see a doctor, would be to squat over a bowl all day long, catch the blood, and inject it back in your vien. Unless there is poo in it, in that case just drink it. :rolleyes:

Twat,

I was laughing my ass off. :D But you hit the nail right on the head!!

Dude, go to a Doc and have him look at it.

I am a very bitter man, this is true and without a doubt. But while I do almost always speak with great spite in my voice or words, there is always the companion of empathy with it. I always had a problem with the shits that I can remember back to being a little kid.

When I was four, my parents had an office down in the basement in the corner. Not too far away from that was the pool table (billiards to us snobs). I remember my older sister of eight years running after me and I would duck under the pool table to escape her grasp for the next torture. I hid under there and then began crying, my mother though my sister had done some harm to me, chased her down and smacked the shit out of her. My mom sent my hysterical sister to her room and came to see what had happened. I was clutching my stomach and holding Henry my faithful plush dog while I sat in my pajamas sobbing away like Nancy Kerrigan.

So here comes my first trip to the emergency room. It turns out I had Gastritis. Which basically means is remember your worst time having to fart real bad and nothing would come out? That was it a pocket of gas was floating in my gutty works like the bubble in some building lever-slide being held by an epileptic architect on a roller coaster.

About 12 years later, I had to get up before the whole school for this Jeopardy bowl competition between the classes. Well, I got a massive trot attack about an hour before that, but was fine. So I could see my nerves had something to do with that. I had no more than 3 or four a year of I really have to go now attacks until Christmas Day 1997.

About two years before this Christmas Day thing, when I worked at UPS, I had a coworker who had a second job delivering mail and packages to post office drops in the NY area from where we lived next to Philly. Loving NYC radio and a chance to get out and about, so I joined him. I brought along half a gallon of Hazel Nut coffee to keep me awake after throwing packages all night before. Well this acted like colon cleaner especially in such large amounts and I wound up having to crap on the side of the Staten Island Expressway. That whole episode is written in some other thread on here already in great detail.

Christmas 1997 was the opening of Jackie Brown by QT. So I had to see it, I liked it and got in my car and drove home to hang with my ever exciting family. Well my as started rumbling and I did a Mad Max style race against traffic to go home and adjudicate the kingdom from the throne. Ever since then I had the trots everyday pretty much.

It is hard to throw packages when you have to go. Best part of the story is I hit a period in which you feel like you have to go and NOTHING will come out. I had to listen to the fucktards that UPS employed as my coworkers tell me it was this or that. Finally I had a scumbag supervisor always follow me in the bathroom and spread rumors of me being a heroin addict. Now I never did any of that shit but I had to go or feel like I had to go. I have an intense fear of needles that has popped up only in the last 12 years or so. I worked the Christmas peak season at Big Brown and survived.

UPS decided to try and fuck me in more sore ass. After peak was done a lot of people are not needed so they ask them if they want to go or stay home. I used to call up and say I was sick on my worst days. They would say no we need you and I would drive in. Get to the clock after spending 25 minutes holding my guts in with one hand, and have a scumbag supervisor say you want to go home. They did this everyday for about six weeks, since they wanted me to quit. There was bad blood from the summer 97 strike still floating through everyone’s veins.

By then I used my generous benefits of insurance to see every ass doctor I could. I had every test done imaginable. I had to take about 8 Amodiums a day just to work for four hours part time. I made it through it all. My spite of those people fueled me like a Space Shuttle. The scumbag union people would fight for any fucktard who loved to drink and drive, not pay their child support, or further their crack habit. All I got is we can do nothing for you. So I kept working as they moved me around. Eventually I got ill with a fever and passed out twice in my package car, I told everyone I was sick and went to the doctor who said stay home. I called work told them this and they said they would fire me if I stayed home. I said whatever I got a doctor’s note. Well I got canned. Best part of the story was I loved it cause 60% of the bullshit problems went away with my ass. I went to collect unemployment and Big Brown tried to fight it. I of course brought in my certified letter regarding my termination and sat around and sucked my unemployment to the bone for 6 months.

I would have flare ups in which I had to use my Cobra insurance to go get an ass doctor to look at me. One guy wanted to take my ulcerated intestines and rip it out. Then stitch my other intestine to my stomach and ass. Making my gutty works the fastest tube ride outside of Disney for food. Bam! A few hours and everything you ate is out of you. Only about 12 times a day for this. I declined especially when he stated that I could have an accident in the operation and require a shit bag for life. He said the best bet was file for permanent disability and live with my parents till they take a pine box vafcation. Wow! How lovely? Should I try and find all the freaks from high school who also lived with their parents basements and continue to play D&D. Perhaps I could make a gang out of these people?

Like the alternate lyrics to Blue Oyster Cult’s song, “Don’t Fear the Ass Doctor”, I learned to live with the shitty hand life dealt me. One day at a time. I don’t mind talking about my ass or showing it to people. In the first 2 years alone I have had about 40 people look at it, including a class of Junior GI doctors as they placed the Hubble Telescope up my ass.

Dude, I know I am a prick but I serve a propose here. I am relating my same experiences of putting shit off and not eating this or that. It isn’t going to fix itself. In the end I needed medical care and fine script drugs to close up my ulcers.

Stop placing worry about your health like a kook and bleed from the ass everyday on your to do list. Instead take command of your list and place a doctor’s appointment and freedom from your self-induced paranoia. You’ll feel better. Take baby steps if you have to but get it done.

I have seen no one offer the advice of sit home and do nothing. So get off your bloody Bum and go NOW!

PS: To all the sick people amused by my previous rant: I am doing three shows next weekend in Atlantic City. So please come and out and support a fellow Thunder’s Place member. Please tip the hardworking waitress and barmaids at the show too, They need your support plus I am probably boning them all.

Love
Twatty