Completely bummed because of premature ejaculation

So my wife and I have had a dry spell for the past 2 years or so because we have special needs children and our lives have just been turned upside down with kids sleeping in our bed, medical appointments, test, etc. for them. And our work schedules conflict and we sleep on different schedules. It’s just impossible to find the time and we’re just spent. Now, I’ve always had anxiety with premature ejaculation and never can last long. It’s at times made me avoid or hate sex after the fact. I’ve always masturbated a few times a week at night just because it feels good. Takes like 2-3 minutes usually and I’m done. My wife and I are still attracted to each other and just this weekend we finally got some alone time. My first thought was not the excitement over sex, but the anxiety of ejaculating too quickly. And I spent a lot of time with foreplay and made sure she avoided touching my penis. She got off, so I was excited for her and I wanted her on top because I usually have better control of myself on top. Well, literally as soon as got inside her, I came. I wasn’t even edging before or anything. I wanted to scream but I knew I could get another 2-3 minutes with a slight erection before it was gone so I just squeezed the kegel muscles until she came again.

She wasn’t disappointed at all. She got off twice and it was good. But I just felt like garbage. In 2 years, we had sex again for the 1st time and I blew it for myself immediate. I wanted to last maybe 2 minutes and I’d be happier. Also, I had gotten a vascetomy last summer and this was the first time since 2014 that we had sex without me wearing a condom. So it definitely felt more intense but still, back when we were trying for kids, I didn’t just ejaculate immediately.

I tried paxil in the past, that did nothing to help. Desensitizing stuff is just a mess and I’d have to put it on, wait 20 minutes, wash it off so she doesn’t go numb in her mouth or vagina.. I really don’t want to wear condoms anymore but it’s just so annoying that my body just ejaculates so, so quickly.

Anything, advice? Is there anything new to try to help at least desensitize?

Hi mate. Sorry you are having issues.

Let’s be truthful. Non if us guys last as long as we would like. I’m impressed that she had 2 orgasms. You are ahead of most of us already.

But I understand you pain.

Have you considered masturbating to orgasm before sex? Or accept oral to orgasm. Although it’s not a solution, it is a practical way to unlock what is probably just a mental issue. If you separate orgasm from the act itself, you are might likely to enjoy the feeling for longer.

Thanks for the feedback. I’ve tried masturbating before sex and it doesn’t help. It makes me less interested in sex and I feel quickly masturbating is detrimental. And it doesn’t matter if it’s oral or intercourse or hand job. Any contact is way over sensitive. It sucks.

In my mind I know I can do all the foreplay I want to her and do it well. But I also want to just have sex and have her enjoy it. My wife always said that she enjoys fast pounding with a hard erection and I just can’t provide it. I really don’t want to orgasm. I get more enjoyment from sex and making her feel good and frustrates me that I can’t.

I think we should all recognize that such a break will probably be followed by not our best showing.

Less sensation is not the answer.

Let me again describe my philosophy for prematurity. It’s healthy to take the view that there is NO SUCH THING as premature ejaculation. Orgasm will happen when it’s inevitable.

If it’s sooner than you would like or before your partner has had enough then just laugh it off, saying: “Wow, you really turned me on!” Then commence rubbing, poking, and licking stuff until you’re ready to go again or your partner has had enough. So it’s only premature if you stop working to please your partner prematurely. Invest in a quality rechargeable G-spot vibe and lick her while you use it on her, perhaps for “fast pounding with a hard erection.” If you’re lucky she’ll want some more of your penis when you’re again boned up.

When I think about it this way, I no longer feel stressed. I can relax and enjoy sex.

tmar89, Sorry to hear about this & about your pain. Parental sex is a bitch. Then add in special needs kids and it’s even more difficult.

1. Edging. Smart edging where you pay close attention to your unit is one of the best ways to control orgasm. You bring yourself right to the edge of orgasm for a long period of time, then do it again on a regular basis. It’s practice for the big event. Not just “masturbating for long time” but really reading your bio-feedback and knowing how to control yourself.
2. PE. I don’t know the science behind it, but PE in general has helped give me excellent orgasm control.

Don’t despair. Your wife sounds like a great lady. So, just prepare for a long road ahead and you’ll get there.

I’ve got a couple of suggestions for you.

First, get your testosterone levels checked. I discovered a couple of years ago that my levels clocked in at about 150 ng/dl, and the healthy range starts at double that (300), any goes up to around 600 I believe. After a few months of getting a shot every other week, my levels were back up at about 450 ng/dl, and I felt better overall than I had in years, physically and sexually. It didn’t make me last any longer than I did before, but after ejaculation I am able to get hard again almost immediately, and sometimes don’t lose my erection at all.

The second is kegels. Lots of kegels. I’ve been practicing hard and often for over a year now, and I’m able to clench my way through an orgasm, and keep from ejaculating. I can’t do it every time, but the longer I practice the better I’m getting at it. When I do this, I don’t lose my erection, and I can just keep chugging. It’s not easy, and the first few times I tried it successfully, it gave me some cramps and left my core feeling exhausted, but I’m not having those particular issues anymore. Might be worth experimenting with, for you.

all the above are great things to try. look into them.

Another little quick fix are those lidocaine sprays. Like KY Duration promescent. I think they work great. KY is easy to get at target and walmart. whether or not you chose to tell your partner and have them involved with this process is up to you. When my wife WANTS to be banged for a while she will tell me to put it, and i’ll put a shit load on. When I am trying to be sneaky and want a little extra time, i’ll sneak some sprays. lol. BUT - BUT . you must wash this off if you plan on getting head. I promise that they will taste it and it will make their mouth numb, even after the recommended 20 min wait time. Luckily for me, I am always oiling my penis with E oil or something else, so its not uncommmon to see my washing junior.
if you are FOR SURE you are not getting head, or you thnk you can casually push her off and switch to giving her head or something, then you dont need to wash it off. BUT. make sure you have waited longer than the 20 min. lol. I messed up and rubbed the head on her clit , purposely - not a graze , as I was entering , and well she got a little numb. FML.

Hope this helps bro. Good luck.

If I go a week without my wife relieving me during her period I cum much quicker than normal. I can’t imagine how long I would last if I went 2 years without sex with my wife. I’d probably have an orgasm while giving her oral (actually happened when I was younger). Dont be so hard on yourself. Edging certainly has helped, but I still don’t last as long as I’d like!

Viagra seems to help me. I have ED issues already, but Viagra does seem to cut down on sensitivity, while helping you stay erect…plus it can help get you ready for round 2, if you’re so inclined, I also think cock rings help. You don’t have to go and get some crazy metal ring and scary her off, but a good silicone one can help.

Man.. I have the same problem, but I’ve got the solution.
1. Reverse kegels - I do as many as I can and they help very much. You may believe your head is too sensitive, but usually in fact your PC muscles are too tense and that is giving you involuntary contractions (from which you feel like your head is the blame, but in fact it s your pelvic floor, due to the bad habits of fast masturbation or kegeling during masturbation voluntarily, and then, after a time, turned into involuntarily)

2. Prostate stimulation - I sit on the toilet, make sure there s no poop left and lube my finger well. Stick it inside the bum and find the prostate. Make the “come here” movement with your finger and try to relax (even reverse kegel if you need to). I’m at the point where I almost give myself huge orgasms only from this. This is how I view rewiring the brain, and it s good.

Last time I tried with a girl, I came before it was in lol. Awful. I’m only one month into reverse kegels and prostate stimulation and I feel already I have muuuch more control. (seen also in peeing. Tense pelvic floor sometimes makes my pee stop and flow and stop and then flow again, uncontrollably). This is how I am gaining control and it s going well so far. I’ll keep updates here.
Just don’t get lazy and try focus on this.. It s important. Try motivating by imagining how you fuck your wife for half hour for example and she s shivering and stuff.

You put family first over sex for 2 years AND this is first time in 6 years with no rubber AND wife got off twice?! You are fucking SUPERMAN. Stop worrying brother.

This is a great way to look at it. Maybe not easy, but healthy.

On reverse kegels, the sounds interesting. Never tried those, but I think I will start.

Focusing on your pelvic floor muscles in any way will be extremely beneficial though. As Samuelson pointed out, involuntary contraction of your PC muscles can really hasten orgasm. In addition to being able to push through without ejaculating, focusing so much on kegels has increased my awareness and control, so that I do not involuntarily tense them at all during sex, until I’m ready to. This alone has helped me last a lot longer before reaching the point of orgasm.

Another good thing to work on during edging is body tension. Pay attention to what body parts you tend to tense and clench leading to orgasm. For me, it’s my thighs. Work on intentionally keeping those body parts relaxed, and it should lend you some extra time.

On a side note, I’ve continued kegels since getting my ADS last month, and it’s added a lot of resistance. The strain and fatigue are like when I first started kegels. Does anybody else kegel while extending, hanging, etc?

My Tantric instructor said kegels will solve most mens problems. I actually have the opposite problem. I struggle to ejaculate now. She also taught me to try and move the pleasure generated in the genitals into an up the body. So as she is stimulating me, I breath in while clenching my PC. You breath in like you are sucking a straw.

Hope this helps.

I learned to masturbate by accident. A few strokes and I’d squirt. But being young and ignorant, I didn’t know that was supposed to be the end of it, and after brief pause to recuperate I kept on going. I could do it several times in a row.

Later when sex wasn’t a solo affair, the women I was with were initially disappointed that I came so fast, then flabbergasted that I kept on going. I thought their comments were just pillow talk; it wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I realized all guys weren’t that way. To be honest, it’s not a subject that comes up in casual conversation…

I don’t think it’s anything special on my part; it’s just not everyone realizes that ejaculation doesn’t mean you have to stop. You might be able to do the same if you can maintain enough erection to power through the post-ejaculation sensitivity. A cock band you could remove after the first ejaculation might help. Or get out the tissues and lube and practice.

The first ejaculation is just a speed bump, not the end of the road.

Get a cockring. A rubber one. It’ll change your sex life.