Originally Posted by Jungle112
I have a question. What are the causes of delayed Ejaculation? How can one achieve such an event? The reason I am asking is because I simply want to last longer in bed. I do not see any immediate results from edging but I do want to be able to put it down in the bedroom with the girlfriend. So does anyone know what will cause delayed ejaculation? I noticed when I am really nervous about a sexual encounter, it works out well (I last longer). I am trying to repeat these same results.
-Jungle-
There are probably a thousand different answers to those questions, many of which are totally contradictory, while nonetheless being equally ‘correct’. For example, unlike you, nervousness for me is more likely to result in premature rather than delayed ejaculation. Go figure.
So I can only tell you what’s been most helpful to me, which is learning how to separate my level of physical arousal and my level of mental/emotional arousal. Prior to learning how to do this, my mental state was largely in the driver’s seat, causing me to pop off sooner than I wanted to, despite the fact that my level of physical arousal wasn’t nearly as high. Hearing my wife moan, seeing her eyes roll up, watching her bite the pillow, listening to her talk dirty, seeing her body tense and relax with each thrust.. All those things are extremely mentally stimulating and in the past might have been sufficient to send me over the edge.
As an example of the value of learning the difference between the two types of arousal is this: she claws my back, looks deep into my eyes and gasps that she loves how I fill her up, sending me to a 9/10 level of mental/emotional arousal. Physically, though, little has changed from the moment before: I’m no harder than I was, I’m still thrusting at the same rate, same depth, etc. So I stay at, say, 7/10 on that scale and have plenty of time ahead of me to build up to 10/10 and orgasm.
This is not to say, however, that I’m being trying to be mentally or physically detached or less sensitive. It’s actually the exact opposite: I’m more emotionally engaged and more sensitive.
Two things have helped me the most:
1. The first is a practice that you see recommended in both Western-oriented therapies and Eastern traditions like tantra and tao, and it’s essentially masturbatory meditation. Lie down, close your eyes, and masturbate. Try to empty your mind as much as possible and simply focus on how your penis feels when you touch it. Don’t think about sex, past experiences your wife/girlfriend, fantasies, porn, celebrities, girls you’d love to bed, or any of the other things that we usually ‘use’ to masturbate. Likewise, don’t think about ejaculation, whether you’re hard enough at the moment, your size (tough to do, I know, if you’re into PE), or anything else. Try to just focus all your awareness on what it feels like as you touch, rub, and stroke your genitals.
Unlike how we usually masturbate, there is no goal (I.e. Orgasm) in this practice. All you are doing is lying in a completely restful state, experiencing the sensations that your genitals are sending you, in full awareness of just what level of arousal those sensations have created in you. I try to put aside about 30 minutes a day to do this, though time and schedules don’t always allow. But the more you can do it, the more you’ll be in tune with your own body and the messages that it’s sending you. The changes you’ll see during sex are that you’ll likewise stop thinking of orgasm, yours or hers, as being some sort of ‘goal’ (or worse, something to be avoided) as well. If you’re goal-minded, whether it’s a marathon or a sprint, you’re still focused on the finish line. Rather, you want to learn how to focus on the moment, enjoying every sensation, fully engaged in the experience that your woman has opened herself to you, you have plunged deep inside her, and the two of you are as close as two people can ever be. This kind of mediation has allowed me to make love like this, and the later, more powerful orgasms just happen to be a happy side effect of the fact that I’m learning how to truly feel during sex.
Sorry for getting a bit florid and long-winded there. I’ll be quick with #2.
2. Stop watching porn. For me, porn does exactly the opposite of everything I talked about in #1. It focuses all of your attention on the mental side of things, creating, as your eyes stare at the screen, arousal, anticipation, excitement, etc, all while leaving your body totally out of the scene. You, after all, are not the one having sex, it’s those people on the other side of the cameras who are. You are not involved, and yet there you are, stroking away and forcing your body to respond as if you actually were somehow involved. You said that you had no success with edging. If you were edging to porn, then I’m not surprised, because you weren’t really focused on the sensations your own penis was experiencing; you were focused on the sensations of some other guy’s penis. And if you want to learn about your penis and its physical responses, the place to start is with your own penis, not someone else’s.
