Lilhelp's Search For Patience

No porn today. Was busy all day. Night time is when the urges hit worst though. Hopefully tonight is ok.

Burned my dick with the vein oil. I’d been using it in conjunction with an iodine product. I have chronic epydidymitis, or a troublesome hydrocele, or both. Basically soreness in one testicle. Had two ultrasounds and three physical examinations. They said no cancer so I’m just letting it ride out. Anyways the iodine is good for it supposedly.

For some reason last night it burned me though, either the oil or iodine. Only on my head though. No burning on the shaft at all. I got more on the head than usual. Usually I just do the shaft and ridge a bit. Who knows. I thought it would dissipate but I had to shower. Feels much better today. No PE though. I don’t wanna disturb it.

Hope y’all are well.

Hey Lilhelp, good luck on your experience. Just curious, have you made any gains so far?

I’m not really one to measure often. Maybe a touch a length though. Thanks for the encouragement.

Failed tonight with porn. Pisses me off but I’ll start again. Almost three days. Going for 4 this time. I know deep down it’s empty.

No PE today. Still letting the unit rest. Did have sex so I guess that’s some sort of workout.

Sex always has priority over PE. It’s not training, it’s the primary goal even more important than PE.

Did a short routine yesterday. Short stretches and 15-20 c grip jelqs.

No porn yesterday or today!

Had a good no porn stretch. Got it down to almost just once a week. No masturbation though. Still upsets me but I will keep going. It’s hardest if I awake at night for some reason. It’s as if that state of half consciousness lowers inhibitions.

Another streak starts now. Two weeks+…lets do this! Gonna kick this nasty habit. Hope y’all are well!

Still doing generally the same routine. Recently a little more force and incorporated reverse kegels plus manual clamping for 30 second bursts while edging. Still using the vein oil I made.

Porn has been beating me up lately. It’s mainly when I awake at night. I’m really gonna have to figure this out. Maybe I’m thinking about it wrong. Maybe the wrong approach. I know it’s because in the moment I don’t see it for what it is. I’m just looking for that chemical release and excitement. I know willpower isn’t enough but I’m giving in too easy. I need to exercise my will power just like any other part of me. Not to worship the will power but to utilize it. 48 hrs has been the longest stretch in a couple weeks. Still not masturbation to porn. It’s just that damn chemical dump. Maybe I need to masturbate more. I used to do it daily. I’m usually up for sex daily but I can’t expect that, and that’s ok. I get it several times a week so I have no room to complain.

Hope any of you struggling have a breakthrough and if not I wish you peace as you battle. Keep up the good fight!

Maybe it’s a simple truth but your brain should be the best director for x-rated movies.

So why use the shallow San Fernando Valley stuff produces if you’re able to watch in your brain much better movies?

Could be. Personally, I’d like to keep my sexual energy for my wife or at least directed at her, so I guess I could use that.

It’s just a straight up addiction. I’m addicted to porn. I’ve got to unhabituate myself.

You’re right though. I mean why look at pixels. I should be able to wait for the real thing.

I think as a temporary help I’ll get a battery powered alarm clock and put my phone on another room at night.

On a PE related note, EQ has been good. I feel slightly bigger in my hand some days. Gonna keep up the minimal routine til maybe the end of the year with possible minor increase in intensity as I feel comfortable.

Still the same routine for the most part. On some days I just do some edging with hand clamping. I wonder if the size you get to when clamped is evidence of potential size to come. I’ll probably eventually work up to clamping of some sort next year. Girth is certainly my goal.

I’m gonna try to use a little travel alarm clock at night so my phone isn’t tempting me with quick porn access. I think that’ll help a lot to break the habit. I know from experience that the urges can diminish drastically if you abstain long enough.

Hope you all are well.

It’s been awhile since I updated. I’ve been on a break from PE. Was having some aches on the left side of my unit. Hard to tell what from. Had a iodine burn on the left side right under the ridge but this feels deeper. I get some aches randomly and during the beginning of erection, but also randomly there.

Who knows. I want a thicker penis for sure. Just want a functioning one more. I’ll take it slow. Haste makes waste.

Still on a break. I notice the place I had the iodine burn is still tender to the touch. I think stretching aggravated it or never let it heal. I have a hard time getting a grip while stretching. It causes chaffing, and I think it irritated the skin where the iodine was.

Deeper than the physical report, I’m running from facing some demons. I’ll just call it what it is. The only girl I’ve had sex with besides my wife dumped me because she wasn’t sexually satisfied. I know my stats and my girth is really thin. I’ve been aware of it for as long as I remember. I remember crying to my mom as a small child because my penis was small.

Demons…

Fucks me up still. I get in my head. Porn created an unrealistic expectation but honestly my wife never initiates and that just gets to me. I feel sexually undesirable. There’s a whole back story and the fact that she stuck with me is beyond amazing. This is all on me. That’s what I do. I project. I blame. I justify. I’m egotistical and selfish.

I was religious for some years. Christian…or at least the Bible was what I read. I don’t like to talk about it now because I have no answers. I used to be dogmatic. I don’t want to lead people astray though. Whatever the truth is I’m just me. I’ve got faults. Cowardice and lust. I say that just to say, I still feel like there are certain things we fight in life. This influence. It leads to war, strife, jealousy, hate. It’s there boiling just beneath the surface. TG was talking about the awareness you can have of it. That lower level program always running. Either you rule it or it rules you….

Just ranting here guys. A larger penis won’t fix me. I need to fight the real fight. I can still do PE. Just can’t put so much weight on it. My issues are within. Wish me luck y’all. Day be day.

Most of the men here are similar. A few experiences that leave deep wounds, we play as though they don’t matter when they’re how we ended up here…it’s always there. The pain, the humiliation, the insecurity. If you don’t battle them directly, you’ll have a bigger dick but the same size heart and courage, failing to pull you to where you wanted a giant penis to get you.

Good on you for realizing it but…you have to mindgame yourself, get inside the part of you that is hurt and afraid and take the wheel. Or…you’ll spiral and the self-pity will consume you.