Lap dancer has given me some sort of awakening. Whats going on?

Actually, you rock.

I’ll take that.

Thank you.

SB

Basically I’m being a polite prick and just now I get a suggestive text message.

Thunders brains trust,

Any ideas what to say or do to politely say no to advances?

I’ve thought of moving her hand away and saying, I’m not ready yet. Possibly followed by, I have to do do a few things for myself.

Thoughts?

TIA.

SB

What is your relationship with the pursuer? What do you want the relationship to be?

Those two questions dictate the response.

My response to my wife is much nicer then a response to anyone other than her.

I honestly don’t know at the moment.

Since I decided to work on making myself better I really don’t know what I want. She attempted to cuddle me again and I told her I wanted to go to sleep. When we got up she asked me what was going on and I said that after I walked out I needed to spend some time on myself. She then grabbed my dick and said, don’t you like this anymore , and I actually rather that she didn’t grab it and nothing happened and it remained flacid.

My question is, why did I have to walk out to effect a change or is the change in me changing her behavior?

In any case I’m going to live my life for a while. I’ve joined a gym and am at least 1kg , 2.2lb, down in weight in under a week.

Yours in confusion.

SB

To be honest I feel somewhat divorced from her.

I invested so much energy trying to get my need for intimacy met by focusing on her. Now I focus on myself and it goes from her pushing me away and virtually never imitating any contact to me pushing her away. Even good bye kisses were half hearted and now she kisses me when I’m in bed.

Also I forget to mention she asked if I was till masturbating after she grabbed my dick. I said yes and that I had a particularly good session of building orgasmic waves.

I can see some heavy thinking coming up.

SB

What ever has been lost is water under the bridge. YOU create your environment. Now the door is open door and you’re invited in. I say step through and tap that ass. Hard!

You may not like it, but this is how things are. And there’s more work to do, but you’ll do fine.

In my opinion.

This goes in line with wverything i have read and experienced in my own marriage.

When you pull away a womans natural reaction is to move towards you (assuming they still love you and assuming there is no dysfunctional co dependncy stuff going on).

It is good that you’ve begun the journey of self love regardless of what comes from tour relationship any future relationships will go down the same road as long as you remain dependent on a woman.

For me working this issue out has given me the marriage i always wanted. But i know from others ive talked to that working this out led them to divorce and they were happu with that.

Ultimately love yourself first or you cant love others.

Thank you. This means a lot to me. To think of the years I have wasted being unhappy and unsatisfied for us both.

Please few free to elaborate either here or PM.

Thanks Ph33rme

SB

Well for the longest time I was stunted emotionally due to physical and emotional abuse as a child and a very nasty divorce. To say I was mentally fucked up was an understatement. My wife was in a bad spot also coming out of an abusive relationship. I had for the longest time associated physical affection and praise with love. I had just divorced from a wife that was crazy in bed, I’m talking screaming, squirting, and all sorts of shit. Then I get with my wife (girlfriend at the time) and she is quiet in bed. Needless to say this messed with my already fragile ego caused a bunch of insecurity shit.

I knocked up my wife before we were married and we went through some serious issues. She withdrew emotionally and I found a girl in my online course and had an affair. After a month, I felt really guilty, I was going down the same path my parents went down. We got back together but I basically ignored her for 10 years. Then my 11th year of marriage something clicked, and I started seeing a counselor. After going through some serious therapy I got my head on straight.

Problem was I was still creating covert contracts in my head (basically I would do nice stuff with the secret expectation that she would do things back).I also felt extreme guilt and I was in a wounded place and felt like I needed to say yes to everything because I needed someone to be truly loved. Then I read No More Mr. Nice Guy and started really working on loving myself.

I started PE, started crossfit, and I started a successful business. I was seeing success but my greatest most valued thing my marriage and my children were fucked up. This was so bad that my 7 year old would have psychotic crazy screaming episodes from my wife and I’s fighting.

That was the final straw. I started to really love myself, to stop lying, and to be independent of my wife. We went for some time without touching because I would touch her only to make me feel better.

After a while I broke my dependency on her. This is when things opened up to me. We started to get along again, I wouldn’t take her bs seriously but I would take her emotions seriously (basically if it was legitimate it got taken seriously). Between this and the breaking of dependency on her praise and love I gave her room to love me and things are better, not where I want them yet but better.

The thing is no matter what I do, I need to workout my shit. I think many guys are in this boat, we are taught to make the woman happy, to bend over backwards but that is wrong. Women want to be led. I keep a watchful eye and ear for when my wife asks for my opinion although she doesn’t believe in “traditional roles” she still is asking for my leadership even though she won’t call it that.

I don’t know if any of this rambling helped but the tl&dr is this:
-Break the dependency on love for others
-Speak your mind
-Lead or be led
-Give women space to pursue you
-Do what you want with respect
-Avoid covert contracts like the plague (just say what you want)

Guess what? I have stopped drinking. I new it was my environment but I could not put my finger on it. The moment I decided to focus on me I have gone from 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of vodka to no vodka. I have had a beer or wine along the way but have felt no desire to drink heavily.

SB

That’s good alcohol is a depressant and csn have dramatic effects on mood.

Thanks, I know. I feel even more alive than after the Goddess.

I also quit port at the exact same time.

Still can’t believe how bright and deep colours are to me after the Goddess.

SB

Nice to hear you have your libido back.