Unleashing her sexual appetite

Thanks Rita - but I really think MrsTiPS is the awesome one - she earns her angel wings every day.

~Ciao,

MrTIPS

ModestoMan takes a big swing and a miss. Sorry, K. Like I said, my imagination was pumped.

If I haven’t lost your attention, could I try an alternative hypothesis: You guys may be so accustomed to working together at a mature, professional, and adult level, that it’s become hard for the two of you to cut loose and just play.

Also, as business partners, you may be sort of on your guard with each other. Have you ever considered a business separation in the interest of preventing a marriage separation?

ModestoMan,

Third possiblity,

women who aren’t interested in sex, and aren’t interested in getting interested…. a lot of those out there.

Been there, done that.

Sparkyx

See? I told you MrTips is awesome :)

PS Sounds like you two are very lucky.

MM - I think that definitely could be a real issue, I’m not sure what to do about it. One option is for me to take some time away from work, I’ve been considering that but have been reluctant to just go away for a couple of weeks becauseI think it might make more problems. I do not think she would let me take the kids anywhere for more than a couple of days.

Yup, after 20 years of this, I can recognize a pattern. After a lot of effort I can keep her attention for about a week at most, and then no interest for months.

Being married for more than a decade, me and my wife were caught in a pattern similar to what you describe; having sex far too seldom, averaging like once a month and in a slow tailspin. It was driving me crazy, and I recognize myself in so much of what you say, not being able to discuss it, not being able to tell her about your needs without strange reactions from her, the feeling of humiliation from being rejected over and over again until you just stop asking. Possibly there are also differences, I don’t know. I was blown away every time we actually had sex by her getting so totally aroused, having orgasm after orgasm. Then nothing for weeks or months. Confusing, to say the least. Obviously there was some dormant sex drive deep within my wife that could be activated in special circumstances by pressing the right buttons in the right order. Still, she changed the settings constantly for this combination lock, and I became increasingly sick of trying. My ex, 15 years ago, was so incredibly much easier to deal with in the sex department, what the hell was wrong with my wife? I could not understand it, and could not accept living like this for the rest of my life.

I speculated about secret lovers involved, also thought about having an affair myself but could not stand the idea. Had no real evidence of her being unfaithful, anyway. I pondered about she becoming so totally satisfied from our love sessions that it really took away all desire for more, like those huge snakes that eat a small pig once in a while to keep them going. Appealed to the macho creature inside, but not a very likely explanation after all.

Wednesday last week, inspired by some discussions here at Thundersplace and some other ideas I had come across, we had a much needed talk about what kept us from having sex. We were sitting by the fire place, sharing a bottle of red wine to get in the right mood, much like the circumstances that sometimes helped trigger her sleeping libido… but I managed to resist the impulse to attempt to seduce her. Instead a very interesting dialogue could be started. The most important parts of it was when I asked her what she believed I liked/disliked in the sex department, and how she learned that. She asked me the same. This was extremely revealing because it exposed some important misconceptions and secret desires, and enabled us to realize more or less obvious methods to straighten out the misunderstandings.

Let me give a little example of the dialogue just to highlight the general idea. She said “I got the impression that you hate fast sex at odd times and places”. I asked “how on earth did you learn that?”. She continued, “This is because we tried that on a few occasions in the past and it ended up in total failure when you could not get it up or losing your erection after a couple of minutes. I quickly learned to avoid that, but must confess I would love to have some of that now and then even if I may not get orgasm”. I say “I’m painfully aware that I have experienced failing erection in such circumstances, especially when you took the initiative, ending up in embarrassment not to be able to give my dear woman what she wants. Also, I remember being afraid you took it as a sign that I would not find you attractive anymore, that was how I perceived your reactions anyway. No wonder it ended up in disaster”. She says: “what would you say about some opportunities to get accustomed to that situation again, without any kind of expectations more than being close and intimate with each other. I’m sure we can do it if it is something we both would like to have”.

A related issue that was straightened out the same way. It turned out we both reinforced a hunt for orgasms as evidence of successful sex, even congratulated each other for the achievements afterwards, but that it actually acted against our interest in making love on a regular basis. Too few opportunities in a house where kids are presents almost always. It became total sex experiences or nothing, more often the latter obviously. Yet another issue concerned false assumptions about how we like the other to sound during sex - we were both holding back too much it turned out: incredible to learn that after living together for more than a decade!

Before our little chat, I got the impression that it was impossible to discuss sexual issues with her, that she was not interested at all. After the chat, I knew it was because it always ended up in arguments who was to blame and who needed to change, so we avoided to go down that destructive road again. I believe the success factors for this dialogue to happen was to make a conscious effort to talk about the issues in a relaxed way, taking much time to listen and think about what she actually tried to say, and what I said between the lines myself. Since she had no difficulties at all talking about sex this way, I must conclude that she has waited very patiently and very long to be able to speak out.

The weekend after that crucial Wednesday we got the idea to write individual short stories that described a typical day or situation, how we think, feel and react in those situations. We spent Saturday afternoon writing, and exchanged stories in the evening. Allowing the other to read was not easy, we were both afraid the other would feel upset about the stories we told each other. No need to worry apparently, she took it like a man and so did I - the stories enabled us to discuss some of the more mundane everyday issues that contributed to inhibit our sex life. Although I already knew about many of them, such as my non-conductive work habits and the fact that our work division at home could be better, it now became more obvious to me why she seldom was in the mood for having sex and what I could do to improve the situation. Although I got the most suggestions from this exercise - little things, easy to do - she got a surprise when she learned how deeply I experienced the problem, and how much time I had spent worrying and searching for solutions.

Of course, every relationship has its own issues, yours may be very different from what we discovered. I can only say that a deep and sincere dialogue was exactly what we needed at this point. I will continue to follow this thread with great interest, excellent tips about how to promote the sexual parts of the relationship from you all! There is a time for deep dialogue, but there is also much more to a good love life of course.

Unicorn762 - what a great story, thanks for sharing. Open and honest communication is the foundation of an intimate relationship. And I think that I really am guilty for not being completely open and honest with my wife about how I feel about a lot of things. This I think is primarily out of fear about how she will respond. She has always been a very independant person, and even from the start of our relationship she expressed a very clear -take it or leave it - attitude about herself. We had a talk a few nights ago and I did tell her how I felt about some financial issues. It didn’t end well, Obviously she and I are not seeing eye to eye on quite a number of issues at the moment. But even during times when things were going great, she had a minimal interest in sex. A couple of months ago things were going real well. I asked her to surprise me and come to bed in something from Victoria’s Secret catalogue. She just laughed and said no. So that leaves me feeling like she is not interested in compromising.

This describes how I feel when things are going good. At the moment, however, I think I may soon be asked to sleep downstairs. Maybe that would be a good thing.

Kawaihae,
Before I start, dont take anything I say personally. I dont know you or what kind of person you are, but your story makes me sad and upset. Is this the way you imagined your life would turn out? Can you look back on your life and say, “well to be honest things really did work out.”?

From what you’ve posted that sounds like a symptom of the main issue. My guess is on many levels you feel subordinate to your wife (your embarrased to tell her about PE or about your sexual frustration). You are intimidated by her, perhaps because you perceive her to be a better package than you. She has you under her wing. She doesn’t respect you ( repulsed by your PE??).

If you work with your wife daily your wife will see you as a workmate not a husband, let alone a lover. Why dont you work somewhere else? Are you afraid of taking a chance? You should read Who moved my cheese? by Spencer Johnson and Kenneth H. Blanchard.

When you commit to a marriage, you are essentially agreeing to a contract to (among other things) abstain from all other pussy except one woman’s. The woman in return agrees to be the mother of your children if you decide to have them, and to be there for you emotionally and sexually. In my opinion your wife has reneged on her part of the agreement. She told you she would do this early on in her “take it or leave it” speech where she gave herself an excuse not to compromise.

I’m sure my strong reaction indicates a personal experience with this. I had the unfortunate experience of having a relationship with someone who was less interested in me in having sex, who I dont think really respected me, to the point where it was clear we were incompatible. So I’m familiar with those feelings of frustration, powerlessness, emasculation. Thank god I had the strength to end it. It was the best thing I could have done. I’m with a woman now who always wants sex, and is amazingly turned on by me. she is multi-orgasmic every time and I love it. I told her about my PE early on and have in fact showed her what I do. She’s scared of the Bib hanger, but she admitted she loves the results so far. In short, she loves me and respects me, something I really didn’t see from that previous relationship.

I really do hope you take some steps to improve yourself, give yourself confidence, and be a man in every sense of the word in your relationships in the future. Hearing stories like yours makes me upset because I think you are being taken advantage of. Providing you are kind and loving to your wife, you deserve better than this. What happens now depends how much courage you have.

Skinnee

Thanks for the input Skinnee. I thought about what you said and you are right - I am embarrassed to tell her that I am sexually frustrated (and have been for most of our marriage). I guess for a real long time I felt there really must be something wrong with me, since I was always ready for sex, and she rarely seemed interested. Then I eventually started thinking maybe it was the other way around, maybe she had a problem, but never managed to be able to communicate my concerns in a way that got my point across. Then reading on this forum what other guy’s lives are like, I’m saying geez, what have I been missing for all this time, how did this happen?

I seem to have hijacked this thread for my own psychotherapy. I appreciate the feedback from everyone, I have a lot of things to think about now. Obviously, my wife and I will need to sit down and talk about these things in the near future.

K,

Could I suggest you and your wife have your sit down away from work, away from the kids, and preferably in a public place (like a restaurant) that affords reasonable privacy (a booth)? Talking about sexual problems can be very threatening to some people. You and she may both feel a lot more comfortable and free to speak if there isn’t an imminent “threat” of intimacy. The public forum will also help to maintain a minimum level of civility.

I could write a book about the history of myself and my wife similar to what you have all been saying. We’ve been to counseling. We’ve been to seminars, and many of our problems revolve around my wives abusive dad. Never the less, my wife does try to overcome her resentments of men in general. It does color our relationship a great deal but we deal with it.

What this is leading up to is that so many women gain during the course of a relationship mind sets that YOU can’t change. I did find a book that changed our relationship more then any of the counseling or any of the rest.

I’m surprised that no one has mentioned it here because of the power this book has had on the attitude of my wife towards me and our marriage.

That book is: "THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS", Dr Laura Schlesinger The Dr. Laura Program | Heard Daily on SiriusXM Triumph 111 & The Call of the Day Podcast

She has a companion book called "Woman Power", which is a followup book.

She was asked if she was going to write a book for men and her answer was that men were already trying and inherently know how to treat their women but the women aren’t listening. They’ve gained other priorities.

The book breaks down the bearers that women have created to build their worlds to satisfy themselves ignoring the needs of their men.

Buy it, leave it where she can find it.

Do not, I repeat Do not, read it yourself, so you don’t get expectations. Then just watch the change. You might be one of the guys who actually get an apology.

If your woman won’t read it, you pretty much know where you stand in her life.

This book did more for our sex life then all the flowers, candy and cajoling have ever done, but she’s getting more candy flowers and love then ever before.

Unicorn,

You have handled your situation extremely well. It takes guts to put your feelings out there. It causes change and we are all afraid of that but sometimes any change is better than where we are.

K,

I may have helped with your hijack. Should I apologize? I don’t know, seems you have at least found some comrades here. Maybe just having people to talk to makes us all feel less alone. Sorry if I opened a can of worms that you would rather have left unopened.

You guys have wonderful insight that us females aren’t privy to. It would have been nice to have open discussions like this when I was married to a man who I was not compatible with sexually. In hindsight, however, I don’t think things would have ended any differently. Maybe just quicker with more understanding. Oh well.

My ex told me I had more ‘balls’ than a woman should have. I think this was the root of our problems. We also worked together. Had our own business for 16 years. So, what’s the solution? Should I have changed who I am basically and asserted myself less or should he have stepped up to the plate and changed himself? I know, you will all say a compromise. I guess that’s ultimately the solution in a situation like that. We weren’t able to accomplish that.

Rita

Unicorn,

Just want to take the time and tell you that was EXCELLENT!!! Thanks for sharing that part of your life, and I’m sure it will be exactly what someone needs to break the deadlock in their situation.

Thanks,
Sparkyx

Monty,

I second that recommendation! I think Dr. Laura has really written something extraordinary, and the results can be rapid and transformational.

The only flaw, is it requires a woman who is interested in improving her relationship by changing HERSELF!

That is not a very common trait in women these days. They enjoy very much more the books that talk about how victimized women are, and how to change the rotten bastard you are stuck with!

My experience by far is friends of mine very much that MM and K. who are good decent guys who have tried for years, everything and anything. Married to women who constantly listen to their dumb ass girlfriends who constantly talk about how rotten us men are, and how not to put up with any of our “shit”.

Women who are so interested in a “sensitive” man who will listen for hours to their every little gripe, all the while considering anything that my be painful or important to us men, stupid and trivial.

Sparkyx

You know your right but fortunately most women love their men and so they change automatically when they can see what they have been doing.

I’ll tell ya that book was the best investment I’ve made in a long time.

Listen to her radio show for a couple of weeks and she’ll change the way you think about a lot of stuff.