QL's Log

Agreed - I know the fight isn’t over and I think the EQ issue was a canary in the mineshaft but the one week of “victory” still feels indescribably good. I’m still not sure I’d overdone PE when I decided to do the decon (cause my routine was light & I was still getting gains) but the near continuous use of porn/fap tipped everything over the edge and as I get more clarity, what had become an obsession with PE wasn’t helping to calm things down either. Regardless, from the big picture perspective, your advice that kind of kicked this off was 100% correct.

Thanks for the honest feedback & support you give around here. After trying to kick my demons a million times over a couple of decades, it’s gonna be incredibly ironic if (and that’s a huge if) I’m able to whip the bigger problem (porn/fap) because of the additional motivator of getting back to PEing.

Amen - words to live by - thanks TG!

Daily, I cope with porn addiction relapse chances. Even with how I’ve been feeling, it just gets more potent sometimes. Enough to get me looking at it enough for a dopamine drop and some feeling of failure.

The trick is to get your mind in the right place so that you can absorb the failure, learn from it and stay strong mentally. Strong enough that what sent you back won’t send you back again and you learn a little more about your pathology each time you fail. I personally understand my own failings far more now than when I first quit and my relapse effects are far more muted as a result.

Above all, don’t blame yourself and don’t get down on yourself. Progress is ongoing and easily accomplished with the right mindset.

Good discipline. Congrats!

I feel you and agree with the above including the last line if we can agree that “the right mindset” is incredibly difficult for some to achieve. A relatively recent mind-set changing take-away from working The Twelve Steps that resonates with what you said (and I gotta go around the block a bit to get there), is that experiencing guilt for acting out sexually is fine and probably healthy whether it’s addiction to porn or sex with strangers (and lest I offend anyone, that statement assumes one is married and it’s been agreed that the sexual relationship is not “open”).

Guilt says I did something wrong for which I need to make amends. But shame is toxic and must be rejected because it says I “am” something wrong and keeps me trapped in a cycle of self-loathing that perpetuates my addiction.

I used to think I just had a severe “lust problem” but I eventually found that it was so far beyond just lusting. The problem for me was (and this is simplifying & summarizing greatly), I don’t like who I am nor what was done to me (in my case, in my adolescence) so I feel the constant need to medicate those feelings out of existence.

And the vice could’ve been gambling or alcohol (which is sometimes my co-addiction) or whatever. It just happens to be the handy, hidden pharmacy in my brain and it doesn’t help that half the planet is telling me there’s no problem with it, but they either haven’t lived with the full-on, mind-bending domination of a sex addiction or are perhaps in denial about their own issues. And to be clear, no judgement for anyone reading this - this is my truth.

I’m about 3 years into actively working The Twelve Steps and I’m in a much better place than I was and keep finding ways to grow and find self control & improvement in just about every area of life. Because there have been continuous failures & relapses along the way I know that no matter what happens, that you never give up. As you put it so succinctly, “Fall down 7 times, get up 8.”

But the core, bedrock area where it always breaks down has always been related to my sexuality - that’s where a fundamental violation was and where ironically, I first found a refuge & solace, so with the pathways burned so deep, my brain always finds a way to come back to it. So far I’m on a great pace to stay outta trouble and who knows, this may be the time (with help from an EQ problem!) that I can shake this monkey loose.

One day at a time.

QL

Thanks Buckfever - was ridiculously hard which probably sounds ridiculous to guys that have this area under control, but I’m really stoked about it! You’ve got a couple interesting threads - looking forward to reading them….

This story is inspiring for all those with PIED. Really great and honest.

A big thank you iin the name of all who can learn a bit from the story.

And you personally were rewarded with the best ever - satisfying sex!

Ya, no doubt and some of the best sex ever!

Thanks. The last of The Twelve Steps is the idea of, “having had an awakening to the nature of our issues” (some say a spiritual awakening, but that’s difficult for me to say because I still have days I question the existence of God), “we subsequently try to share the message with other sex addicts” (so it’s never intended as a broadcast to everyone) “and to practice the principles in our lives.”

My problem has been always trying to game the system - most lately, can I have sex, do PE, work crazy hours, do porn, get fat, act out sexually and still have all systems go? Um, no. So eventually life extracts some honesty if you’re going to keep your sanity and as Step 1 says, we admit our lives became unmanageable (or as we often paraphrase, what we were doing is insane).

I can only say I have brilliantly & consistently failed prior to and throughout my recovery & am in no position to lecture anyone, However I have learned that men have to realize they’ve got an issue before they can even begin to attack it (and doing The Twelve Steps is something you typically only resort to when ALL else has failed - it was for me) and hopefully there are truths we can share from time to time that can help them even if they don’t see the need to go through a program.

Ultimately, at the end of my rope, I was in a relationship & career death spiral because of my vices and had lost any hope of ever getting free. It’s not that I was a bad person or even that porn or anger or alcohol is bad, but being caught in a dilusional addictive cycle from which you can’t break free,… is pretty bad. So if I can help even one brother to understand there’s hope for getting out of a trap he’s fallen into, mission accomplished!

You know, QL, this gets better with every post you write.

It is, as you say, a conundrum. Just sometimes I ask myself for reasons beyond PE, porn and fap. I’m in my 50’s now and most of my colleagues amd friends, especially the ones in IT, either have health or addiction problems or are in bad relationships. And the only pressure that NEVER goes down is the one at work.

So I ask myself if this is not partly a price we pay as men to work our asses off that much. I see what digitalization has done to the economy, and it certainly did not slow down things. Just we people are still the same.

Is it a reason for more and more people, and in this case mainly men, to crack under that pressure and make crazy escapes in addictions?

I don’t know, but my gut feeling teels me it well could be an additional reason. It’s not an excuse for giving in to an addiction, but sometimes it’s good to think a bit over the borders of the own person and observe the whole society we live in.

You know it’s funny. When I was 13 or so and started watching porn it was a no brained. Once a day, like clockwork, porn, masturbate, orgasm. I really didn’t spend much time focused on it. I’d orgasm and the urge was met and I’d go about my day.

What I didn’t realize was the chemical dump I was getting addicted to. Some may say addiction is only real when it negatively affects your life. I tend to see it as something you can’t stop doing.

As with anything we grow accustomed to stimulus, so the type of porn or amount, whatever, will escalate and change as needed to get the same chemical release.

It’s a matter of control. Who’s in control of your body?

I do feel like this is part of life though. Gaining control. Mastering the passions and emotions. Being in control. Of course you’ll fail sometimes. Just gotta keep going. Sex is one of the strongest pulls we’ve got as humans. It’s not an easy thing to control.

You’re so right. The velocity of life only speeds up with every passing year and with bodies & minds that are unable to adjust to the amped-up cortisol levels that result and the sheer mental pressure that weighs on us to keep everything working perfectly with less & less resources, it’s a wonder that more of us don’t break.

We are without doubt the most stressed generation that has ever walked the planet and with the tsunami of porn breaking upon our shores, Therapy may be the field to look at for job security! Lest I be completely fatalistic and negative, I think awareness is growing that what pornographers create solely to enrich themselves, is not necessarily for our good. That realization and knowing that so many participants are not operating fully of their own volition has helped me stay clean during those times when I was completely off of porn (granted not often, but these reminders help me avoid it when I’m on my game).

I see the image of Pleasure Island from the tale of Pinocchio where the boys are being sold a “bill of goods” that looks and feels oh so wonderful on the surface but when we get the big reveal, the boys have been turned into a bunch of jack asses that no longer have control over their destinies. I don’t want to moralize anybody out of a good time but there are some really dark places this stuff can take a man and a great concern of mine is that most guys have no idea (like those fictional boys) where they are headed.

So what’s the alternative? Life has stressed us out. Wives/partners are unavailable when we need one of the greatest comforts & stress relievers known to man (i.e. after such a great fling just days ago, the Mrs. is shit-testing me like crazy and without the refuge of porn & acting out, I’m in a desperate situation - I hear a glass calling my name). For myself, when I am being strong, I get very intentional about what does fulfill me and I go for it with the gusto I’d use to search hours/days for just the right video or hookup on the net. Whether that’s time with friends, sunsets, concerts, nature walks, creating art or anything leading towards connection rather than towards the separation that porn and acting-out eventually creates. It’s a tough sell when the alternative is free and just a click away, but (wait a minute) I got this whole EQ thing to resolve….

I digress - it is a very tough walk and I don’t condemn anyone who uses porn or any other vice - I get it and empathize - I’ve just seen the end of the tunnel uncomfortably close and know that if I don’t find a way to cut the cord (again, my truth) that I will eventually crash & burn. And it’s not getting better unless we make it better. So I think that’s what we do. One son at a time. One brother at a time. One friend at a time. Selah.

“You know, QL, this gets better with every post you write.”

I agree, it does.

It is absolutely a process.

I hold out hope that everyone eventually rids themselves of what weighs us down. Some paths are more painful than others though, take longer, and leave you with less left over.

I totally understand getting stressed, then wanting that release, but the wife is tired or stressed themselves.

I’ve gotten to looking forward to weight lifting though. It’s not exactly the same but it helps. Ultimately it’s about breaking the habit. It may never go completely away in this life but the infatuation can weaken. I’ve seen it in my own life.

P.s.

One of the hardest things in marriage, maybe the hardest, is to take the first step. To not respond in kind. To be the initiator of kindness, patience, love..

In the face of selfishness, to be selfless.

It is the good fight though.

Acknowledging kind comments - thank you gentlemen. Oh crap, forum avalanche!

That’s exactly when I knew I was in trouble - I could not stop no matter what I did. Willpower was meaningless. Therapy didn’t touch it. Religion had no deliverance for me. Alcohol couldn’t dull it. But I agree - at first it seems a no brainer because addictions don’t spring to life fully formed. They build like stalagmites in the caverns of loneliness, despair, pain, need, & fear and drip by drip are nursed to life, always medicating what we should be resolving some other way. As you allude to below, we take a little more medicine from our cerebral apothecary and then a little more….

Agreed - most scientists think reproduction is our strongest biological imperative so indeed our sexuality is an incredibly powerful force - one that we often indiscriminately tinker with. I paid a tremendous amount of treasure to learn this so indulge me if you know it already and others may learn a little something in the sharing.

QL’s Primer on Sex Addiction:

(oversimplified for the sake of space)

Who knew? Turns out that our neural pathways get re-architected by this renegade bitch named sex addiction (oops, got a little energy there but she almost destroyed me and may yet) and it’s primarily accomplished by hijacking various neural mechanisms that drive our learning and curiosity algorithms.

Ordinarily we’d observe a thing and our brain would say, “Well that was a cool thing” and scads of neurons & literally millions of dendrites would form and a memory and/or skill would get created, provoked initially by sensory input but converted into physical molecules in our heads and we’d have learned something and the learning itself made us feel good because dopamine is being liberally sprinkled all over our brain to make sure that we do that again - so far, so good. We just learned to suck our toe - learned that wavelengths of light at 620–750 nm give us a perception of the color of red - learned that cookie crammed into grubby little mouth is quite good.

The net of it, is that almost beyond imagination and certainly beyond our skills to replicate in the foreseeable future by the estimation of the world’s best research neurologists, we are fearfully and wonderfully made as someone noted a very, very long time ago.

So in your head are hideously complex, miraculous, neural mechanisms that collude with active DNA at all times, to the tune of something like 400 million transactions per second, the likes of which Ph.D’s still struggle to fully comprehend. If all of life were good and we lived in temperance, no problems with any of that circuitry and apparently some of us are built (or raised - nature vs. nurture discussion) within tolerances where that is the case. But when porn and/or sexual situations come along that we’re not prepared for, especially as children or teens (although porn is not exactly “natural” for the adult mind either - ask yourself, how did God or evolution design humans all those years ago - not for infinite variety on a continuous scale), a rewiring begins to take place that was never intended.

Because sex is required for perpetuation of our species, God or evolution said I’m going to put a special spin on the neural nets associated with men’s gonads (women are a whole different but similar story). So by design, men’s neural nets shall therefore be made to respond to lots of variety (so that we check out many, many mates before settling down with just the right one). And should orgasm somehow occur while checking out ANYTHING (because nature ensures that one thing eventually leads to another), that process will inexorably bond you to that thing (through the power of oxytocin that is released at the “moment of truth”) whether it be a lamppost, a bizarre activity, a skanky prostitute, a red shoe, a skanky prostitute wearing only red shoes doing something rather bizarre to a lamppost OR ideally, your sweetheart for life.

That orgasm releases a host of neurochemicals that are akin in their effect to a hit of cocaine or heroin. So the system is designed so that you get addicted to your mate (Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” just began playing in my head) and in part due to this, if you halfway like her, you’ll stay together forever with a woman that puts out regularly.

But life isn’t perfect and the system that was supposed to lead us to “the one”, gets hijacked when imagery or sexual encounters are free & plentiful and the complementary pharmacy in our heads that was designed solely to reinforce every time you try to make a baby, instead begins reinforcing and bonding you to random boobs & butts - to unreality - to inhumanity - to some really weird shit that nature probably didn’t intend (says cranial monkey, “but interesting, ya?”).

Furthermore, our dopamine receptors being saturated with the continuing, undesigned for, tremendous dopamine releases that searching for hook-ups or endlessly searching porn websites brings, begin to be trimmed back in quantity (which is a whole different discussion), which is the root cause of needing more and more stimulation - we’re unfortunately, unknowingly and counter-productively wiping out more & more of our brain’s capacity to keep us happy and satisfied with every session to which we subject ourselves.

When the brain that is ever learning and ever developing says, y’know, I could use that massive dose of feel-good chemicals to calm this guy down, make him forget about depression for a while, etc. then “Houston, we have a problem.” and it’s problematic in multiple ways.

We were designed to be delighted and satisfied by a caress on the cheek - by hearing water traverse a trickling brook or cascade down a waterfall - by the uncontrollable giggling of a 2 year old - by a fantastic meal accompanied by a superlative glass of wine - by the simple camaraderie of friends. But the reinforcement system that ordinarily ensures that continuous learning takes place throughout life, instead begins to ensure that we learn ever more about more & more images or more & more partners and ironically there’s really no purpose to it whatsoever. It is a renegade, hijacked, dominating system in our heads gone out of control.

To your point, it is wise to control this and resist the path of letting it get out of control but that’s not very popular to say in the culture nor will the websites that propagate this shit ever reign themselves in any more than a pimp will turn away a John or a bar close their doors to alcoholics.

And as it took me many thousands of dollars and many fruitless years to learn, once you go too far down the path, you can only come back to normalcy by substantial effort aimed at solving not a lust problem, but the core issues that cause you to medicate yourself with porn or sex in the first place.

Here’s another unadvertised factoid that keeps many of us from stopping. It takes ninety days of sobriety (no porn, no fap or over-the-top sexual experiences) just for the brain to know it’s allowed to rebuild & activate replacement dopamine receptors. Ninety more additional days are then needed to actually rebuild them and integrate them into your neural nets. So when we stop for a week or a month and are mystified at why the overpowering craving is still at the door, there’s an incredibly good biological reason. Six months of sobriety is more like a place of returning to a state of normalcy and how many of us exposed to over-stimulation since we knew what porn was, have ever gotten there? Not me. Not yet.

Man, it is a process - no doubt life-long and probably more involved than most of us realize. Many float right at the edge of a an addiction whether it’s low-grade or full-on and for sure, there are degrees to this thing as we know just by looking around at men we know.

And you’re right that doing other things helps. When the reinforcement systems of the brain kick in for good things, we call those habits which is another part of why those neural mechanisms exist. So when R65 kicks my ass and says (paraphrasing) “you should try getting out and walking” he was more right than he could’ve possibly known and when TG suggested leaving off porn & fap, he was more right than he could’ve possibly known as well because if you create a void (by leaving off porn, not sexually acting out or abandoning any other habit good or bad), something must fill it and we should control what it will be or the monkeys in our brains will.

In any language, in any faith system, that is universal truth and learning that from one of my spiritually inclined counselors helped to restore my marriage and agreeably, it is the best fight I’ve ever been in and despite lots of pain & tears on both our parts, completely worth it! Still a work in progress, but plain ol’ forgiveness was the key for me as every grudge I held onto and every perfectly justified & exhaustively reasoned feeling of anger I kindled towards others, only injured me & therefore us and fueled my addiction. It’s one of those things you sorely wish you didn’t have to learn the hard way but who of us ever listened to wisdom when we were young & dumb?

To capsulize, restoring “normal” sexuality is possible even for sex addicts provided there is willingness to learn & change via good coaching (which focuses primarily on the “me disease” inherent to mankind) and putting in place the right safeguards. Twould be cool if things like porn didn’t exist and we didn’t even have a frame of reference to know what we think we’re missing but good luck to my sober brothers, my addicted brothers and all the brothers struggling in between!

QL

2017 Stats, Week 30

01-07 BPEL 5.500 EG 4.375 FL 2.750
02-04 BPEL 5.688 EG 4.438 FL 2.812
03-04 BPEL 6.125 EG 4.500 FL 3.125
04-01 BPEL 6.250 EG 4.500 FL 3.250
05-06 BPEL 6.313 EG 4.563 FL 3.500
06-03 BPEL 6.438 EG 4.625 FL 3.688
07-01 BPEL 6.500 EG 4.625 FL 3.688
08-05 Deconditioning Break

Days in deconditioning mode: 16
Days without porn/fap: 20
Days walking 10k steps: 8
Pounds lost (since beginning walking): 4

Monthly diatribe: Decon: love & hate it! See EQ Conundrum - Help Please for why this seemed a good idea for an EQ problem that was pissing all over real, honest-to-God sex with Mrs. QL. Speaking of which, had an awesome roll-in-the-hay last night (after a white-knuckle week of getting no nookie - busy week and wife gaming me somewhat), during which I started to lose my hard-on - I breathed deep, pushed the panicky feeling back and just dug deep to will myself to finish inside her - just determined to train my dick to respond only to the real thing (no fap and no hand-jobs either).

So we’ve got your no PE injunction (God, I miss PE!) and have a successful (so far) porn detox going on - super depressed but that’s just part of the pathology where without the constant “medication” of sex and/or porn, feelings have to be dealt with that are uber unpleasant. Which is why I have a no-excuse, zero-tolerance no fap policy implemented because otherwise, feelings will push me to a place of not dealing with issues which will feel good but sabotage me in multiple ways (including the all important EQ). And not doing nearly enough exercise, but at least a better diet is in progress (paleo/keto because that’s what I can manage). I’m trying to consistently hit the 10k walking mark daily but even when I miss it (which is often) I’m still walking more than I did. Once I get the daily walking discipline nailed down, I plan to add some lifting to round out my fitness and boost T (which should also help EQ).

And what exactly do I get in return? EQ had been improving and how sweet it is - mind-blowing O’s better than porn ever gives. Did I mention, I really hate porn (more specifically, what it does to the the brain), but I digress. Definitely more fireworks now without giving the wife lame excuses about why my dick just died. A little loss in my BPEL but oddly my BPSFL remains exactly the same as before decon - not sweating it as I’m sure BPEL will bounce back when I return from my decon break. In the interim, my flaccid is fuller here at the start of my decon and while I’m not sure to what to attribute that, I think it’s that my dick is recovering from being overworked and is healing into its (hopefully) larger version - specifically in the blood supply area - at least that’s what my gut says. Oddly, even piss-pulls (from the idea of wanting to maintain my gains), negatively affect my EQ right now, so they’re now out too.

Yep, aren’t I proud - more new pink skin: See QL - New PInk Skin for Stretch-boy

Alcohol: had been ramping up on consumption because the the growl (urge) is louder as I cut out porn - on average three glasses of wine or stout beer per week which isn’t a lot but again, a barometer of the escape the cranial monkeys are demanding.

Personal: Relationship so sweet right now as I improve “game” with wife most recently by upping physical fitness level which equates to better connection/sex with her. I empathize with anyone going thru troubles with their SO but man, I’m really lucky.

Best,

QL

I wish you the best on your journey. I agree with a lot of what you said. It’s like we are the observers of our passions. The observer can choose but it can be weak or strong. I don’t think it’s just willpower though. Each persons ability and personality is different too, which playsca role.

Just keep going. Take today for today. Enjoy the simple things. Learn to be content. Learn to love.