The "No SEX" Ordeal In Long-term Relationships

I’m just over three years in my relationship and we don’t have sex like we had in the first year. But we still have it at least three times a week and she give me around 2 blowjobs on top of that. I’m 51 and she is 44.

How old are you and your girlfriend?

Hormone imbalance I feel like that’s it. If she can’t pleasure herself and says she can’t do it there is something going on and its not just psychological.

Tricky situation however there many good clues in this thread from contributors hope you get to bottom of it quickly.

She is only 21 and i am 27.

ohhhhh wow she’s young!! Ok maybe its psychological and not just physical. I wish you both the best!

Thank you, she was heavy medicamented by psychiatrists when she was young so i think she need a recover period.

As long as I wanted to do an update, my current situation does not really differ from the previous one - still seeing no sexual action from my girl, apart from some cunnilingus on her birthday and a couple of handjobs, the latter - with some mouth incorporated, but I had to specifically ask for it, which really isn’t my thing. I don’t like to force people into practices they are not wanting themselves.

Really, not forcing my girl to do stuff is the quintessence of the whole NoSex ordeal - I want things between us to happen naturally, not begging or forcing her to have sex with me.

Anyways, I stumbled upon the Give Her the Big O thread, which made me think whether or not my approach to her sexual sefl has been wrong from day 1, since she had absolutely no sexual experience when we first met. I always strive to give her a clitoral orgasm via cunnilingus, and, for now, I always managed to do so. But, penetration has always been a problem, since she is tight, maybe due to feeling ashamed of intercourse, may be? I don’t know. I prefer to consider it a purely physiological turn of events, rather than a psychological one.

On the hormonal side of things, we are still waiting for her to take the sex hormones test. They include:
LH
FSH
Prolactin
Estrodiol
Testosterone
Androstendione
17-hydroxy-progesterone
DHEAS
but they had to be done between her third and seventh day of the menstrual cycle. Well, today is the fourth day, so… may be January.

Aaaaand now……..

Strangely enough, my desire for her, under the NoSex policy, evolved from wanting to fuck her brains out to a more intimate act of connecting and sharing the special moment. Sure, I still want to give her a good banging, but now not at all costs, especially when we can re-learn ourselves to interact more intimately with each other. I think this is the key, apart from the hormonal issues, to acheive some sort of improvement in our sex life. But… who knows…

We just had a nice, open talk about what concerns her in her daily life, and it turns out she is sociophobic at best.
However, a difference I noticed during our several talks on the subject, is that she finally admits there is a problem worth solving and that the problem would persist if we remain static about it.

I pushed to sex talk, and I told her that we have been “on the dry” for three months, which is not normal, but also, it is not something that poses a threat to our relationship.

Indeed, abstaining from sex can turn to be pivotal in our relationship. I started listening and caring more, without anticipating anything in return. It also helps me with my PE, as I am now officially in the 7-inch club.

Talking about our problems and concerns in a more open manner seems to be the way to go in mitigating the consequences of them and even improving ourselves.

My girl, meanwhile, started talking more about us having a baby. Great, but since making it requires sexual activities, it would be hard for us to manage that.

I understand, we’re men, we see a problem and we want to fix it.

You can’t fix her. You are not her therapist, you are not her endocrinologist, you aren’t her savior. More importantly it isn’t your job to fix her.
As a counsellor put it to me: a relationship is like a 3 legged table, you are 1 leg, she is 1 leg, and you as a couple are 1 leg. If you or her don’t take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically, the leg is broken and the table falls over. She’s not taking care of herself and it appears that she’s not interested in taking care of herself: her leg is broken, you can’t prop it up or fix it.
Do not have a baby with her. If you do her sole focus will be on the baby. You will be left out. You will be the blame for everything.

As for your quote above: you aren’t or never will be above your primal instinct for sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Ultimately you want a relationship that combines and has a balance of uncontrollable sex beast and calm loving partner, in both of you.

GET OUT NOW!
Instead of wasting 2 years of no sex with her, take 2 years and get yourself as healthy (mentally, physically and emotionally) as possible. Learn from this experience so the next time you are in a relationship you know who you are and what’s deeply important to you.

Thanks for the wise words. It would be a lie if I tell you that I am not considering such an event, but for me, I have to exhaust every single option for a positive change of the current circumstance in order to move on and live a “normal” life.

*** NEWS FLASH ***

Okay, I’ve cracked up on my NoSex policy. This time - for real. It has been over three months of no intercourse for us.

It was fairly late in the evening when my girl asked for a back massage. Nothing unusual, except the fact that it came rather out of the blue.
I did my best to gently touch her back, not going anywhere too sexual. 15 minutes into massaging she denoted that I may also kiss her skin, as she loves it.

Ding - ding! What the actual f*ck is happening? She seems to be slightly aroused and wanting me to at least lick her good. Challenge accepted.

I was entirely engulfed by my own thoughts, and didn’t even think about sex as it was Friday evening, late night, after a day of hard work. All of the factors against her sexy mood were present.

After another 10 minutes of kissing I opted to remove her pyjamas, revealing her wonderful breasts and her bikini-covered butt. She agreed.

I kept the pace as slow as possible without risking arousal drop.

I proceeded licking her, slowly ramping up the pressure, tension and friction on her entire pelvic area, clitoris and g-spot included.

I witnessed one of her strongest orgasms in our 10 years of relationship. A full-body experience, which lasted around a minute or so.

She offered me a blowjob, but I raised, offering some sex. She called.

I decided to use the Wild Root Medicine, otherwise known as coital alignment. Started with a very slow penetration, which only boosted her appetite.

As I went bone deep in her, she replied that I am obviously hitting something and it hurts a bit. Yep, my bet is the cervix, which really never happened before. Thanks, PE!

The whole session ended with a good orgasm from my side and some cuddling. Total time of play - little under two hours.

One of our top-five sexual experiences, for sure.

Now, several hours after the wonder, I am evaluating whether the NoSex policy has help to build that arousal to such extent, that my girl had to do the first step into sex.
I doubt, as she is in her ovulatory period, but it may have helped.

My thesis, on the other hand, is that the NoSex ordeal managed to provide us with some time to reevaluate our approach to each other, as I can feel I have become more sensitive about her mood, sex drive and overall well being.

If the ovulatory period is the sole factor in her sex drive, it means that the problem with the lack of sex is not hormonal, but psychological, and maybe on my side of the pitch.

Great news Flowsky!

Seams like a long story with a happy ending.

I’m happy for you, well done!

To make this as short as I can since I could go on and on about this..

From what I have read (admittedly haven’t read the whole post so sorry if I miss some big factors), it seems to me as if she has lost her competition anxiety. Us men are biologically sexually driven. Women are biologically hypergamy driven. They just want the best men they believe they can have.

This is why things go down hill often times once couples get married, in the women eyes the man has set his towel down, he’s no longer playing the game.

Anyways, a talk about your needs is crucial. Also, looks to me like she may hold the frame in this relationship. In order for her to be motivated to make the proper changes for a healthy relationship, you need to claim the frame. She should be in your frame. (Look this term up if you don’t know what I mean exactly). You should be able to have talks with her about sex, or else she’s just deflecting. Sex is serious and crucial to holding chemistry in a relationship as well as so much more.

I’d like to talk more about this if your interested. Gotta get going, keep us posted.

Yes, please, do elaborate!

Alright my man, I think I got to page 7 and I’ve read enough! It’s making me go crazy, lol. Where do I start.

Your a man, and you have needs. She is comfortable now, and no longer has competition anxiety. You’ve given her no sign that if she doesn’t get her shit together, you will move on. So what does she have to fear? She’s smart, she gives you a nice BJ once a month to keep you on hold. Just enough to not worry about you moving on. She’s manipulative, and makes you feel as if being a man in itself is wrong.

Dude, you’ve done the works. Massages, deep talks, patience (very respectable amounts), lingerie and sweet gifts. And still, not only does she keep you in HER frame, she feels even more content with knowing your tied to her string.

Look man, women are designed by nature to want and find the best man they can get. That’s hypergamy. I saw a comment on one of the pages where another member said something along the lines of, “ya it’s a trip, whenever I seem to be working on myself and becoming better all of a sudden the panties drop”. Ya go figure. She needs to do what she can to keep that valued man in her life. Are you starting to understand what I’m saying?

You have every right, every fucking right, to want to have a partner that is sexually motivated and present with you. You are a man. And a healthy man will always want and need sex. It’s biological. We should always choose a partner that understands and respects this.

The moment they feel the, “kick rocks” coming. As long as she truly respects you as a man, and she believes you are higher than her on the sexual market, she will do anything to keep you with her, which involves taking care of your needs. Plus, they need this. They need to feel like they gotta keep their man impressed.

Ever heard stories about how a woman will swallow a mans load and let him fuck her in the ass, but with another man she decides when he can get some basic missionary sex? They are perceived to be at different levels of the sexual market value totem pole.

Look, if you take care of yourself and your healthy, you’ll be in your prime even up to 45-50. Women on the other hand, start to lose their prime much faster. Especially when it comes to being able to have and birth children. They instinctively fight to not have their man choose a younger and healthier woman than them. That’s their biggest threat. But in order for this to happen, again, she needs to respect you and perceive you as a high valued man.

I suggest truly working on yourself, because that’s what should come first anyways. I’d bet she’d drop her panties much faster for you if you started becoming more fit and active, more successful with your career, and of more value overall, than buying her things left and right, and giving her the oil massages. Treat her like a super star, and she’ll treat you like a fan.

Once she has respected you and has proven her value to you as a man, well then sure reminding her how much she means to you is of course necessary. But there’s a time and place.

Look up on YouTube, “holding frame” or “keeping frame”.

I suggest reading the book, “the unplugged alpha”. I think this book will change you for the better, brother. It may just be what you need.

By the way, you sound like a good fucking man. I truly respect the effort you are putting in. You deserve a good partner.