The "No SEX" Ordeal In Long-term Relationships

@flowsky, have you read “Sexual Intelligence: What we really want from sex, and how to get it”? Might be a good read for your situation.

OKAY, something seems to be working right.
I received yet another offer for a blowjob. From my girl. Which, in our almost 10 years of relationship, is something entirely new to us. I declined the offer, relying on the NoSex policy. I made that pretty clear. When asking, why she wants to willingly do oral, however, she replied with something that caught me off guard. I quote: “You are changing for the better, I must do too. Otherwise it is no fun at all.”

WHAT THE F…?

Is it just me being overly paranoid, or me striving to give 110% of what I have could be beneficial in the long run? It is a completely unknown territory for me. Until last week, my girl’s thoughts on oral were that such things are disgraceful, and only whores do blowjobs. Now, she “calls the flop” for a second time in just a week’s span. Nice!

Meanwhile, I bought her some nice lingerie - nothing too sexy, extravagant, just comfortable, yet luxury sets of bras and briefs. She is not into Brazil briefs or thongs, despite my opinion that her ass is perfect for a set of brazil panties. Let us see where this will take us.

I love this! I have been kinda going through the same thing. Things that were off the table are now somehow back on.
It seems to be if you focus your energy to better yourself to be a better partner it just makes the panties drop. As I focused on me, I started to veer off on us, then on just pleasing her. And I found out it is okay that sexual contact doesn’t always have to finish with orgasms. We now trade days. I’m now okay without finishing. I chalk it up as bonus PE. Thanks for sharing!

I know that “women who give BJs are whores” story. Its bullshit.
My wife approaches it like this: “If I love you, I love all of you, including your cock. If I love your cock enough to have sex with it, and it makes me cum, then I love your cock. Therefore, my love for you and your cock makes me want to love it with my mouth. You love my clit and pussy with your mouth because you love the pleasure I get from it, and you love me a lot and love my private parts a lot, too. So I love you, I love your cock, and I love pleasuring your cock with my mouth.”

Oral sex, for us, is an extreme act and sharing of love between us. It is so extremely intimate to put another person’s genitals in your mouth. The level of trust you have to have for them to put you in their mouth; the level of acceptance THEY HAVE FOR YOU when they put you in their mouth.

This is what fellatio boils down to for me. Its not the woman saying “if I do you, you HAVE to do me too”. Its “I accept you so much I accept your body, and my acceptance of you allows me to accept your penis into my mouth.” That’s how it is for my wife, and she never sucked a cock before she sucked mine, and she did it only because she loved me and wanted me and wanted me to feel pleasure and because she accepted me—all of me.

Oral sex is lovely. It is beautiful and sensual. It is extremely intimate. I think women have bad views on oral sex because of porn: hair pulling, choking, forcing, crying, slapping, and of course the disgusting cumshot on her face or cum play in her mouth and all over her face. Porn makes most BJs look gross and sexist, even abusive. They are not that at all. It is a sheer act of love and respect to give your lover, your partner, head.

If your woman truly loves you, then she loves all of you. My wife can’t suck me to completion really at all anymore. Oral cancer twice has ruined that for us both since she loved to make me shoot off in her mouth and throat a lot, she did it a few times a month before her health and now physical condition prevents that. She misses giving me the BJs she used to because for her it was a way to love me physically and mentally. She loves being able to please me with her mouth as much as she can, even when its painful she does it because SHE loves to do it to me. I don’t demand it. I don’t even ask. If she can suck it, she sucks it. And we take what we can get at the time. Your woman should view giving you a blowjob as an appreciation and adoration of your penis not just for your pleasure only but as a way to show you she loves you and your most intimate body part, which brings her a lot of pleasure (if you have intercourse!).

Its just another form of expressing physical love.

That’s a great improvement!

*** News flash
Ordered my girl some nice lace briefs and bra sets, which seemed not pervert enough for her to backfire at me. She seemed thrilled about me caring for her underwear, especially with one all-lace, semi-transparent bra and briefs set, which she loved. She stood in front of the mirror, loving the way her body feels and loos in the lace. Nipples also showing through the fabric. She noted, I quote, “I never hand a woman’s lingerie before, only the type of knickers I wear since I was 14”

However, the thrill and excitement quickly passed, as she went back to her rabbit hole, with the excuse that “those wonderful garments need washing”. The washing, however, is not something she did in the five days since my gift to her, as she excuses herself with being “overwhelmed by house work and duties”. Okay, I could easily throw them in the washer for a 30-minute cycle, then hang them to dry for a couple of hours, but that’s not the case. She promised to wash them, it is her responsibility of wearing them. I won’t wear them for sure.

As I strive to give 110% of what I can and trying to tailor my inner being to best suit her needs, the game of high and low tides drives me insane. The same thing can be both super sweet and super wrong just 24 hours apart. Fuck it, I can’t stand such behavior.

I posted before and it seemed to help at least a little.

All the back and forth, to me seems associated with guilt. It feels like there was a piece you needed to fill, and from the comment about “you making yourself better” you did. However it really, really reads like she still has inherent shame/guilt when it comes to sexual freedom.

Unfortunatley, if this is true there is no easy path to resolve the issue. Mainly because there is not a lot that YOU can do to help her change internallized feelings of shame towards something. Aside from helping her recognize its unnecessary, and supporting her as she grows through it. There is not much that you alone will be able to do.

Billions of people around the world, at all ages deal with sexual repression in some form or another. Whether its exporing sexuality, kinks, or even masturbation, and those feelings can stem from so many influnences. Religion, family, and even internalized phobia or hate not tied to one outer influence. If she is experiencing some form of sexual reppresion, it can be a tricky thing to navigate. You can only use communication and support to help someone comfortably break away from those feelings, and even then its something that she herself wants to change. If she doesnt want to change, well, it will never happen.

Gosh man, sounds like improvements turn into holes to tunnel into. It just really seems like she has some strongly nagging “thing” that she wants to scream out at the top of her lungs for the universe to hear. It sounds like she has hormone imbalance to me, it just does. The back and forth. Is she on birth control pills? They can do that to a woman, ask my wife!!! Once she got off them she was so normalized and leveled out, life, mainly her life, got very good very fast. Or, it just sounds like she needs therapy. Or you both go to therapy. There just isn’t a lot of communication between the two of you about this stuff, the relationship and your sexual relationship, which is what this is all about or at least a lot of it is about. I feel like if you went to couples therapy she will say or reveal something you didn’t know about before that will be the announcement of what her problem is.

Keep forging ahead though, you are making changes and helping her open up so that’s good! I feel like it won’t get entirely better unless she gets real help from outside sources.

She is not on birth control pills, never was. Yes, we hardly ever talk about sex, but the NoSex policy implies little to no such talks by default. Therapy is also off the charts, since it may induce more problems than solutions, based on my experience with her. I may try me being the therapist, but the father-induced problems may seem harder to resolve than usual. I feel sorry for the nice lingerie, though.

I don’t know if you playing therapist will work, usually doesn’t work in these kinds of situations. Maybe the NoSex policy is too strict and talking about sex more can help? Therapy should not induce more problems. I went to therapy for a while and it saved me big time. Not to get into it here, but I went from extremely low, lowest place in my life, to head up feeling great and confident that I have a life worth living. No drugs were needed. If therapy hurts her more than helps she might need medication. She sounds very very down and you both need to do something so she feels or learns to feel some kind of joy.

What makes her happy? Puppy dogs? Horses? The ocean/sea? Forests? Flying in an airplane? Any hobbies she loves to do? What makes her smile a lot? If not much makes her smile or happy at all she needs to talk to a professional about her life. Talking to you is not clinical help and there’s no way to know if you’re saying something that hurts her more than helps or heals her. My wife is in therapy right now and I don’t even want to know a second of what they talk about. I try to help my wife and give her advice and help her work through problems but it doesn’t always help and she resents even telling me her problems a lot of the time.

Good luck man I am rooting for you!

Maybe thyroid related hormone imbalance thing going on hard to say

I’ve gone back through the old posts an read most of them an you said thyroid been removed! This maybe the problem!

Just adding back with pills does not replace thyroid function, her hormones will be imbalanced an I’m sorry to say am not sure what the answer is! Has she tried any hormone balancing herbs like maca for example?

The NoSex policy is nothing more than abstaining myself from engaging into sexual activities with her, since she finds it somewhat uncomfortable - whether it is shame, fear, or disgust. Talking about sex is a topic we never really discussed, except for several one-timers, where we quickly switch to another topic. I also find talking about sex a bit counterproductive, since she might revert back to her shell and quit talking about it, rather than relaxing into the subject.
As for therapy, I don’t think it would hurt, but the national ideology of Bulgarians implies the “No blood - no problem” stance, where not talking about something simply makes it disappear as a problem, which, I prove to not be the case at all.
She is an arts-inclined type of person. We did a photo shoot, me being a full-time photographer, and her being a beautiful model. She felt very relaxed and calm, even after the shoot. Yesterday, as she laid her head on my pubic bone, she commented that, I quote:

I didn’t expect such a turn of events, to be honest. It seems I am doing the things in the right way, maybe in the right order also. As I am writing these lines, it seems the problem is more in my yard than I initially thought. Maybe my eagerness about getting down and dirty with her has played a role in the past ten years of our relationship. Maybe I am just a horny guy, who didn’t seek into the soul of his beloved one. And the NoSex policy, which I introduced almost two months ago, with its several occasions of law breaking, is making some sort of an effect on her. To what extent the NoSex policy is the root cause of our improvements - it is still early to say. Nevertheless, it would be a fun experiment, since the two-year time frame is not something unachievable. People have done longer periods without sex, some of them never even engaged in sexual activities during their lifetimes. So, it won’t kill if we don’t fuck each other for two years. But the positives yielded may, and, I believe, would be greater than a handful of orgasms during a semi-rape type of sex.

She did put the panties I bought her into the washer, not all of them, since they are all kinds of colors, she left the black ones for black laundry. Clever girl.

*** TIME FOR A NEWS FLASH ***
Since I have a degreeе in molecular biology and a pretty good nutritionist at hand, I decided to order my girl some of the “Holy Grail” supplements, to see if it works on her.
Stopped my search on L-Arginine, Ashwagandha, Maca, Tribulus terrestris (which is Bulgarian, by the way), and a multivitamin complex.
My theory is as follows:

Due to her thyroid gland being removed, the surgery has led to hormonal disbalance, even despite the phytohormones she is taking. I believe they are in insufficient dosage, which leads to induced type of some sort of a menopause.
And since it is all herbal, my nutritionist buddy suggested to try a cocktail of these supplements, which may open her up for more “dirty” desires, which can later translate into forming a habit.

However, I disagreed with him, since hormonal disbalance is not something a habit can do, despite the many cases of psychological sexual dysfunction, as we observe it in the porn realm and EQ drops, eventually leading to ED.
Nevertheless, we may try the supplemental program for 30 days, to see what the added supplements can do to us both.

Supplement breakdown:
L-Arginine, in my opinion is essential for Nitrogen fixation and supplying fresh blood to the various body parts, which can lead to enhanced sensations.
The multivitamin complex would enhance the natural body processes, while the added Ashwagandha, Maca, Tribulus terrestris could only benefit the whole experience.

Your on the right track if she is willing. My wife is on a few more but still her desire has increased since the supplements.