The "No SEX" Ordeal In Long-term Relationships

This is fantastic advice.

It’s been a long road to learn that little bit for me.

Say nothing. Do nothing. Question nothing. Plan/fix nothing. Just be there.

Not to harp on the same chord… but this is why I mentioned tantric sex.

Hell I don’t even practice it anymore with my current partner. But for some people, the concept of physical interaction and love is much (deeper or shallower; depending on how you look at it) that a simple embrace, or quiet moments of breathing each other in, are the peak of erotic stimulation. Or at the very least the door to Narnia itself.

It’s so simple, so rudimentary… but for some so effective.

A couple without sex is not a relationship anymore, it becomes just a couple of good buddies or roommates. All the difference is made by sex.

If you’re pushing she’s got the power. If she’s got the power she’s not going to be interested in sleeping with you.

I do commend you for realizing that it’s your fault.

I don’t want to oversimplify this but it’s a mind set that if you’re not interested in sleeping with me I’m not interested in you period. If you want to hook up let me know otherwise I’ve got shit to do.

All women are the same when it comes to this. It’s hard wired.

50 years of feminism doesn’t override hundreds of thousands of years of evolution.

Ok, time for the news flash - she milked me. However, she rejected to return the favor and lick her into oblivion.
I initially reacted with “wait, it IS happening”, but after the rejection I was more like “OK, she just did that to get me off and not talk her into sex”.

Now, half an hour after she milked me, I sit with a cup of coffee, rewinding our late night sex talk, where she admitted that no sex in a relationship is a big problem, she considers the problem being in her, but she couldn’t find the right way of dealing with it, nor she tried.

We talked for about an hour, calmly, without throwing accusations at each other. Understanding there is a problem is the first step in resolving it, now I may focus on seeking the root cause of her sexual insecurities, and try to heal them. If not - c3fiador would become the winner in the “What the f*ck to do with my spouse” quiz.

Thank God you are around, guys!

This is good stuff! Glad things are turning around. Just don’t get lazy. Relationships take work. It depends on how much work you are willing to do. Your wife might not meet you halfway for a long time. It took years for mine to come around. But I had kids invested. I stayed because I remembered who we were before kids and I remind her of that.

Sex is supposed to get better with age! And it does, if you learn yourself, and then your partner. We have so much knowledge at our hands there is no reason you can’t learn new angles to make this work. The only thing that might mess things up is her level of dominance in the relationship.

Mine is a hard-core Dom outside(huge turn on for me) but has learned she finds comfort in being a submissive in my arms. She came with old fashioned values and loves gentlemanly traits.

To often we start relationships and don’t feel this aspect out. I had to fail a bunch of times before realizing this

My wife and I talk about sex all the time, we have since we started doing it with each other 22 years ago. Its fun talk mostly, even when we’ve had physical difficulties that were both unavoidable (like complications from cancer and treating/curing it, and menopause) and avoidable (my ED issues from porn and not being intimate with her for real for a little over a year due to her menopause complications, we could’ve been together even if sex felt like a chainsaw inside of her we still could’ve been intimate through touch and closeness). We have never talked about sex as a way to cure or fix any problems. We discuss sex like we discuss movies, music or our shared careers and research.

One thing I can suggest that can help her feel comfortable and not focus on a problem or issue is to talk with her, not to her, about all the fun times you’ve had in the past. Any trips you both took that included really fun sex together. Memorable moments during love making where something fun and funny happened, shared orgasms or orgasms that are worth remembering and talking about, things like that. You both may feel more relaxed about your current situation if you reflect on your sexual past together in fun and enlightening ways. This kind of talking, though, can lead to her feeling bad because it was fun and felt amazing in the past and now she doesn’t feel like that and she might feel depressed because the past was better for her and she is wondering about and struggling with why things changed. As I talked to my wife about the times we’ve shared together when we were trying to work around her menopause, she felt more turned on and loose because she realized how easy and fun sex used to be and that it could be fun and exciting again. We got back to those fun, loose and open (and wet!) times again because we know it was awesome for 20 straight years and we cannot give up on that, we’re mid-40s and that’s not old enough to quit now!

Mix in talk of your sexual past as you talk about your current sexual situation and plan out ways to get back to the past good times as you both move forward. You can get there, both of you!

For sure, zinc, mag, a complex B vitamin, vitamin C and a daily multivitamin can really, really help. We don’t get the elements and vitamins we need in our food anymore. Its all been farmed out of the soil over the last 100 years. flowsky is spot on here!

There are roots and barks and herbs from around the world that increase arousal, sensation, and libido. They also balance out hormones, which change as we age and it can change fast sometimes. Maybe just one thing, like catuaba bark or muira puama, can turn a man around.

Thanks to flowsky for reminding us about vitamins and essential nutrients!

Pumpedmember, thanks, just doing my best to put my knowledge into good work.

As I hate to admit it, my wife had no prior experience with sex whatsoever, so reminding he about the good times we had can, and possibly will, just deepen the hole in her, since I am the one with way more fun memories about sex, while she has no comparison point or a learning curve to go back to.

However, it is a shot worth trying, since we have nothing more to lose, except our physical presence next to each other. Would keep you posted about the progress.

Meanwhile, she is in a whirlpool of emotional swings - just 12 hours from “Sorry, i know it is a problem for you and I will do my best” to “all you see is my butt, my body, and not the soul. Learn to kiss the soul”.

Learn to kiss the soul? Sounds like maybe she has a foot fetish?

Some progress report
She is full of emotional swings - one day she feels sorry for not making me happy in terms of sexual activity, the next day I am a sexual pig, who only wants to fuck her, not considering her emotions.
Yesterday I tried to explain her that such behavior is, without a doubt, a medical condition and needs proper check-up and examination. She listened. She told me she sees the improvement in me, but still, she won’t find enough stimulus to go the route of self-improvement for herself.
The revelation came as I returned to running and maintaining a good overall physical state, as I quit sports over a decade ago due to knee and back injuries. As I slowly bring my health stats back to my old ones, I surely feel more of an urge for some sexy times with my girl. Tried to explain that the best as I possibly can, without much understanding at all.

So, I wonder, if me regaining my training habits can negatively affect her view of herself and let her spiral further down the insecurity road?

Yes, the more fit you get the less she can feel good about her own body and fitness. This is common: if one half of a couple gets fit and the other doesn’t, the other person feels lazy and sometimes even resentful towards their partner who is trying to be healthy. Has she ever worked out? What is her health like, her fitness, is it good? Sounds like exercise could do her good, it sounds like she needs to get into some physical activity and break a sweat and do something that challenges her body. It can help her feel a lot better!

Is your wife on birth control pills or any medication that is based on hormones? She sounds almost pre-menopausal to me. I know she is young still but it can effect women early sometimes, it is rare but it happens. I knew a woman who started menopause at 19 years old!

Or mental health, does she see a therapist? A lot of good can come from just talking with a professional. Medicine is not always needed or required.

It sounds like she’s had issues and problems with something for a long time and it is all finally crashing down on her and she can’t deal with it emotionally, which prevents her from dealing with it physically, and she’s having a crisis and you’re the one who is finding out about it and unfortunately receiving the brunt of it, too.

She never had any physical exercises due to thyroid gland problems, which we mitigated by removing the gland and adding supplemental hormones for the rest of her life. I too believe that some good overall fitness exercises like sit-ups and sport yoga can benefit her good.

She has never been on birth control, however the lack of natural thyroid hormones could be the culprit in a pre-menopausal behavior, which is also a possible scenario. However, no waves, no vaginal dryness (or at least I don’t know of any).

Mental health is a place I am too frightened to dig into, since everyone’s mentality in intimate and only the person carrying the burden of mental health issues can be the one to find a way for solving them. For me, it all comes down to she being raised with a strict father and no male sexual contact, any contact, to be precise, until she met me, almost 10 years ago.

So, the situation is far more complicated than it seems. That’s why I’m applying the “No Sex” policy, which, in turn, could be beneficial for me also, since I ditched porn completely, found another way of more mind-based stimulation, and focused on self-improvement, rather than a quick rub before she gets home from work.

That is the second or third time I read this from you in this thread, are you not considering her emotions or what? Maybe she simply does not want to have sex man, this is on her, but it is up to you to accept it. You can do 2 things:

1- leave her, what is so special about her anyway? A fantasy? A fairy tale you created in your mind that is your idea about her? I imagine that you want to make her your wife, long time relationship and all. Look the word she described as you “pig”, is that animal you want to be recognized as the person that sleeps with you and have kids with?

2- Cheat her with another women, have good sex sessions with that woman, all kinds of orgasms I can imagine and come back home to your “wife”. Some guys choose this option for many reasons, not because they consciously thought about that, but because they naturally ended up doing it, no internal dialogue about cheating and planning it, I think it is wrong, but hey that is not my life nor my decision to make.

“but still, she won’t find enough stimulus to go the route of self-improvement for herself.” She is comfortable in that situation and won’t change, I’ve said that before man, I do not want to be the “I was right” or “Told you”, but please I’ve seen better and worst situations than yours and how those couples are now and how majority of those relationships ended, do not commit that mistake. Life is too short to be miserable, life is too short for you to imagine what is going on in other people’s head and try to fix it, you are losing time, energy and effort, imagine you returning tired and stressed from work to home and stress again because of your woman.

Affect negatively her view of herself, man… if that is the way she thinks she is or depressed or some narcissistic bitch, because how could you improving for better your health and overall look being for her bad? She is with a man that is improving his health and appearance, she is with a man that seeks improvement, she should be inspired by you and take her lazy ass and follow you. Does she have some clinical psychologist saying she has depression?

This could be the reason for the issues. I didn’t read the whole thread carefully, but either find a new doctor to evaluate or go back and get the medicine and dosage recalibrated. You can convince her to go under the guise of losing weight. Losing the thyroid is. a big deal and the dosage needs to be calibrated.