Possible minor injury

Well I haven’t read the whole thread but are you seeing a therapist?

Yes. I see a therapist. It is not as helpful as one may think though but I don’t exactly have the best therapist. I do like her though because she has been through a lot and understands what it’s like to be in pain. She has also tapered off of benzos as well so she understands what I’m going through. Maybe it is more me than her at this point. I’m not exactly the ideal patient or really treatable. Four months ago I was barely lucid. I couldn’t form clear thoughts for a long time because of side effects from being on Librium for a long time. What happened was the active metabolite in Librium built up in my system causing confusion and cognitive impairment. It’s just a guess though and I have no idea why I was retarded on these fucking pills. There are no words to describe how horrific this has been for me.

Honestly, before ever considering doing myself in I need to keep reminding myself that it’s the fucking benzos causing me to want to give up, causing these mind bending thoughts and feelings, and possibly even the nerve pain that is plaguing me. Lets not forget the gabapentin I’m tapering slowly, or the Suboxone that I’m trying to get off of. I also take a lot of other drugs too. I’ve been stoned the entire summer as well on edibles and hash oil. I definitely have some form of psychosis and am disabled to a certain extent. I haven’t been in school for over 3 years.

If you feel that you are untreatable than give it up; you’re just wasting your time. The fact that you keep going back means that you do want to get better and therein lies the beginnings of your cure. Maybe it might help you to see a different therapist. Going to the bullpen is needed now and then, even for the best starting pitcher.

I just don’t know where to find the right therapist. I know that I’m not the most likable person. Especially since I just talk about drugs all the time and the pain, but I need people to care. It’s very easy to get sick of me I think though. I need to break free from this delusional world I’m in some how. I’m just hoping that things clear up as I adjust to this current dosage.

The answer is right there in your signature.

I have an appointment to see a peripheral nerve surgeon next week. I’m going to tell him what happened and what doctors I’ve seen so far. Stress makes this worse. Benzo wd makes it worse. Even taking extra drugs like Suboxone make it worse. I double down and took 0.5mg instead of 0.25mg of Suboxone a few days ago and it didn’t help with the pain at all and made it worse I think. It’s crazy. The only thing that seems to help with the pain is if I don’t ejaculate or touch my penis basically. So, this is what I’m going to keep trying to do. It is very hard for me though but I need to stop touching it. The pain makes me want to touch it. It’s like I always feel aroused down there even when flaccid.

Anyways, I read about something called a pudendal nerve block. It’s a non-surgical procedure where they inject steroids or something into this nerve. Not sure what the risks are or if it will make things worse for me or help me but I think this doctor will suggest it. My gut tells me I need to just ride this out and get off all the meds I’m on and wait, and just be patient. The first week of school was so hard. I wanted to quit and give up 100 times. I decided that I’m just going to probably go. I have until Sept. 8th to cancel registration. I took out a federal loan though. I ended up buying 0.3 Bitcoins with a portion of it, hoping I make out. I just need shit to go my way. I don’t want to cancel the registration though. I might as well just go to school. It’s better than staying at home despite how much pain I’ve been this week. Unbelievable amounts of pain though. I wasn’t able to focus much at all this week. Certainly, not enough to succeed at these classes. I did register with the disability resource center so I have a security blanket. The only accommodation I really need is more time to take exams because I intend to keep tapering and lowering these meds I’m on. Fucking benzos ruined my life along with this injury. I’ve been sleeping only 4-5 hours a night for the past months. I usually fall asleep around 7-8pm and wake up anywhere from 12-2am. It’s horrible. How I’m I supposed to heal and reduce pain if my entire nervous system feels so jolted all the time. I remember a few months ago when I was taking small amounts of Klonopin while going through the worst of this pain, I was able to masturbate twice a day and sleep through the night. The pain was tolerable too. Some burning and irritation while urinating I think. Klonopin is not a pain killer. How can Suboxone make this pain worse but 0.25mg of Klonopin make this shit pretty much disappear…. This is a weird injury

I’ll tell you just from my experience, anxiety and tension increase pain. Klonopin slows the CNS, reduces anxiety…

Are you doing any yoga or anything? Even light exercise might help regulate hormones and chemicals in the brain.

I wish you the best in school. Cs get degrees. Stay on top of your work and reach out to the teachers when you need help. Just don’t drop out! Don’t go into debt for nothing.

Wish you the best.

Currently, I keep thinking that being exposed to stress will just make the pain worse and I really just don’t think I’m able to deal with it. I ended up having a messed up day yesterday. Occasionally, when I get really upset, I’ll put an exacto knife to my neck. I was angry about the pain being where it was and I accidentally put it in too deep and I punctured the artery slightly. It bled for about 5 seconds and clotted and swelled up a little. It freaked me out but a part of me said to myself, that I should of just put it in deeper so I could end this, as I saw the blood flow down to my chest. Just beyond fucked up thoughts and emotions. It seems I truly wish I was dead basically. After this, I went into a deep depression and ended up laying down and fell asleep for 6 hours. Later, I ended up eating about 130mg of MDMA I had stashed away. I wanted to face my trauma I guess. It did seem to help me do that and helped me realize a few things in the process. 1: the reason why I feel the way I do is because of benzo withdrawal. It was obvious because of how I felt on the MDMA. It just didn’t feel like it used to because of the withdrawal symptoms. It was painfully obvious that something was wrong with my brain from coming off Librium. I ended up increasing my benzo dose slightly from 2.4mg to 3.0mg of Librium. It isn’t much but it is all I’m willing to increase it. I’m trying to change my sleep schedule as well. No more going to sleep early and waking up at 1 and 2am.

2: the pain seemed to increase when I started a cycle with BPC-157 which is a healing peptide. It just seems like the nerve has been more agitated since taking it. Not sure if it is helping me heal yet.

3: the pain is being amplified to levels that are extreme because of the situation with my anxiety and the meds.

I also keep telling myself there is no point to finish my degree because I’m basically a eunuch now. A “eunuchorn” is more of what I am. Also, that going on campus every day is just making the pain unbearable to the point I can’t function anyways. I haven’t read anything yet from chapters 1 and 2 from my cell bio book. I’m avoiding it because I believe I won’t be able to comprehend anything because I feel too much pain in my dick. I haven’t masturbated for 6 days, and today is the 7th day. I talked to my dad and he said that I have to just leave it alone. I’ve been trying for 7 months to just leave it alone but I haven’t been able to. The pain it self will start causing erections because it is hard not to touch my penis with this nerve pain I have. I feel like I’m never going to have a life now and that everything that I did so far was for nothing because I don’t want anything. I just wanted to heal and not have this pain anymore and I realized that this will not happen for the reasons stated above. My only hope is if I don’t masturbate and my dick just starts feeling better within the next few days. I haven’t had a moment of clarity in a while. I just think I may be better off staying at home and just getting off the meds with as little stress as possible this fall. School is not even important to me when I have this pain.

After thinking about what I did. I would call this a nerve stun or bruising. Can’t say if I crushed it because crushing seems to be a severe blow, like getting your dick head smashed by a hammer for instance. So, it seems this is a neurapraxia or just a bad bruise that never healed. It seems the area around the nerve is inflamed and the inflammation will not go away basically and I’m stuck with pain. Not sure about scar tissue or nerve entrapment. When I did that erect bend in February unintentionally I felt immediate pain. I was masturbating and I just did a bend. It was a reflex. I had severe benzo wd and wasn’t thinking straight when it happened. I was also watching some porn that didn’t agree with me and made me uncomfortable, and that caused some severe anxiety and just gave me a horrible vibe as I did that erect bend and hurt myself. That erect bend was something I’ve done numerous times without hurting myself in the past, so the only conclusion I can draw is there is abnormal tissue surrounding the nerve, and when I did that bend it caused inflammation and pain. The nerve is probably entrapped in scar tissue I guess. But I really don’t understand why since I just bruised it. Why would there be all this scar tissue entrapping the nerve just from jelqing…and if this is the case, why I’m I the only person in the world with this injury….I swear to God it seems like I’m the only person in the universe going through this and I hate everything because of it.

I certainly wouldn’t go into debt just to drop out. Have antiinflammatory drugs like ibuprofen ever helped? Not that you would want to take it forever and you have to be careful not to drink on them or take too much because they can cause stomach bleeding when used wrong.

I think you’re right to take one thing at a time. Have you been able to find a PTSD therapist yet? You mentioned that you were too embarrassed to mention the whole story of your injury to your current therapist. I’d encourage you to try to realize that this is their whole purpose. To hear the darkest of the dark. To hear your worst secrets. Just my two cents, but if you aren’t comfortable telling your therapist everything then you should consider trying to find one that you can unload everything on. I mean really that’s the whole point. I know if I were a therapist trying to help someone I’d want to know the whole story. I know it’s hard though to talk about certain things. I’ve got my skeletons too.

Just take it one day at a time. Write a list about yoyr goals and start at number one. If number one is the pain, start there. If it’s lowering doses of meds…I’d consult a physician about it but that’s still addressing the goal.

I’m so sorry you’re in such pain. I truly hope you experience healing soon.

My therapist knows about PE and my injury. She knows enough I think. Its taken me a long time to develop a relationship with her and work up to this point. She just doesn’t know one thing basically that is not really critical at this point. I invested some money in bitcoin and litecoin. When the time is right I can sell them and pay off the entire loan. I wanted to let it sit for awhile though. It was a big risk. I hope it pays off. I needed some things and spent about $1500 which is why I made the investment. Bitcoin will probably start exploding after November. I’m hoping the litecoins do too. Fuck the debt dude. You honestly think I’m too concerned about debt when I have to constantly put out these fires everyday with my dick. Sally Mae has another thing coming because I don’t give a shit anymore. Only person that cares is my dad. I don’t care about money or anything if I can’t solve this problem. I’m going to just end up drowning myself in the deepest lake so no one can ever find me the way things keep going. I just want to disappear. The pain won’t go away. I even felt it while I was rolling if you can believe that. It felt like my dick was tingling the entire time. Seems like not masturbating is really taking its toll this time. Honestly not being able to touch my dick really makes me sick. I wish I never heard of Thunders Place because I’m too stupid and irresponsible to do PE.

I think not touching it is the right thing though as hard as it is. Give it rest. Have you considered an NO supplement like citrulline? Our even local dialators like eroseys vein oil? I’d leave the rosemary out of his blend in case youre sensitive and test it in your arm first. I know it helps with blood flow to the region.

How’s your anxiety been? Are you still maintaining your benzi dose?

The only NSAID I take is aspirin 325mg. I’ve taken advil before and it didn’t help. I’m just not comfortable taking NSAIDS because I’m afraid they will give me a stroke because of the hypochondria. The hypochondria is more manageable on the lower doses of benzo. Before I was just lost in cognitive fog and fear. I still am but I don’t know. I raised the benzo to 3mg of Librium. I was at 2.4mg before. It isn’t really doing anything. I doubled my phenibut dose today to try to calm down. I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes. I smoked 1 and half so far and they are making me extremely physically ill. I still can’t handle cigarettes because of the benzo wd apparently, not that I want to be able to handle them but it sucks that I can’t even enjoy a cigarette because I’m so physically stressed out. It doesn’t even make sense. Also, the cigarettes are giving me these sexual rush urges that are just increasing the pain and giving me stomach cramps and nausea. I’m fucking sick. I never tried citrulline or eroseys vein oil. I’ve been using BPC-157. If that doesn’t help nothing will dude. I have until Friday to cancel registration. It won’t be considered a drop and I will get a full refund. Unfortunately, a good chunk of the money is tied up in cryptocurrency and the market is extremely volatile right now. I won’t be able to unload that money for a few months. I knew this before I invested in it though but I didn’t intend for things to work out this way. The loan was like 6K. I spent about 2K in crypto currently. And another 2K on supplements, peptides, and nootropics and a few other things. Pretty stupid, but that’s how I’ve been since all this happened. I mean, I’ve always been pretty fucking dumb but not at this level. I have absolutely no self control. I hope I don’t lose this money and look like a fool. Just the fact that I invested in Bitcoin could probably ruin the market because I may have an evil curse on me that I spread around like virus. You should probably stop talking to me before you get infected.

I ended up masturbating twice. It seems that I keep resisting the horrible truth or I can’t deal with the feeling of not being able to ejaculate the poison. It’s both actually. I’m beyond fed up with this. The reason why I did it twice was because it was burning and aching basically and it just made me angry. Historically, masturbating sometimes made the pain go away temporarily. One of the reasons, I justify to myself to do it. Horrific injury. I don’t know what to do. It seems I’m going to be stuck in my house until I can heal this. Will see what this doctor says on Wednesday because I don’t know what to do here.