Possible minor injury

My mental health has been improving. I held on the taper since the 15th basically. I’m going to try to wrap up the Librium and Suboxone asap. I started working out again. Just mostly push ups and pull ups and yoga. I’m going back to the gym in the fall. I feel way better since working out again. Like all my problems are starting to melt away. I feel less pain too now that I’m below 5mg of Librium. Can’t believe how crazy I went on these damn psych meds. I have a long road ahead of me but I feel like a winner for making it this far.

Keep it up mate, you will be fine.

Hey men. I need some answers. I realize how unusual my problem is but I need to know if a neuroma (a bundle of overgrown nerve fibers) is possible with what I did. I’ve been in really bad pain ever since dropping the Librium to 2.4mg about 4 days ago. I can quit Librium at this dosage cold turkey if I want but I’m just going to keep tapering because of how devastating I feel. My penile pain horrified and terrified me yesterday to the point I had a panic attack. Then I became extremely depressed and I tied the belt of my bathrobe around my neck and the other end of the belt to my pull up bar. I was out of my mind and I’m sick of this shit because I’m afraid that sooner or later if this continues I might actually go through with it. I felt really light headed too and almost past out this time. I’m going to slow down with these drug tapers now but I have a serious problem still. I have to abstain from sexual activity and this depresses me to the point I can’t even comprehend it. I made an appointment for a consultation to a plastic surgeon in my area who specializes in peripheral nerve surgery. I just want to tell him what happened and see if there is an option for me.

My MRI didn’t show anything but every doctor has treated me like a mental case. Nobody even seems to listen to me. My urologist a few months ago even told me the MRI’s cannot detect scar tissue in nerve fibers and didn’t seem interested in what I was saying. I had two doctors look at the MRI so far and they said everything looks normal. The extent of my injury from what I remember in 2014 didn’t seem like it would cause so many problems. I didn’t crush the tip of my penis but the end results feel like I did. I remember that I jelqed the tip of my penis with an underhand OK grip, something that I didn’t do often. I probably kegeled too a little. I never or rarely applied any pressure directly to the tip of my penis before that I don’t think. But it wasn’t so extreme that something like this would happen. It was like my dick was worn out that day to begin with and I didn’t listen the signs to stop. So, my dick was worn out and tired and aching in pain the day that this happened. Everything improved though. And last February I did an erect bend while masturbating and I have been dealing with this fucked up pain. How do I fix this? I just keep thinking the only option I have is suicide because of the depression. I’m supposed to return to college next week too surrounded by hot girls. I wish I was dead sometimes.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. Did something set off the pain like masturbation or did you hit it or something?

I think you’re right to not take it too fast tapering. Go at a pace you can handle. Don’t try to put so much pressure on yourself. You’re doing good. You can only do so much. Keep going but just don’t rush it so fast.

I really think you should see a therapist. I’m in no way saying your pain is mental. What I’m saying is you should be talking this our face to fave with someone. Don’t settle for a crappy therapist either. Try them out until you find one that is in tune with your needs. Please don’t hear me saying it’s all mental. Contemplation of suicide is a sure sign it’d be good to talk though right?

Remember, youve healed before. It takes time though. I can’t imagine severe nerve damage from lightly jelqing but who knows. Obviously something is off but sounds exasperated by your withdrawal. Personally I’d leave your dose at a level that my penis didn’t hurt until I could get my head in a better place. That better place does exist and you’re taking strides to take care of yourself.

Suicide isn’t the answer. It sucks what you’re going through though and I won’t sugar coat it. It’s very hard. Please speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts though. Pain like that is terrible but maybe they’ve got some techniques or advice that could help you cope. Maybe even see if there is a PTSD therapist who may deal with injuries a lot.

Please keep us updated. There will be brighter days!

It was brought on by a wet dream and then some light masturbation the following day. Not even touching it. Just watching porn and literally just lightly touching it a little and then ejaculating. Pain and extremely hard. My dick gets so hard it hurts me. I have exasperated arousal issues coming off these benzos. I often have weird homo sex dreams involving blowing myself too usually. I don’t know what my deal with autofellatio is. I’m not even gay…or gay enough to do anything about it at this point. I’m definitely not straight and I think I’m a weird type of pervert. Ever since the injury I never think about normal sex. My libido is destroyed basically. I also believe that the universe is punishing me for looking at non nude photos of underage girls back in 2013. At a certain point when my opiate use was pretty bad I started using amphetamine and became hypersexual and started looking at photos of young girls and have been in hell ever since. My mom got cancer too around this time. I also had an extremely horrific psychedelic crisis on DMT and alcohol, and something else I don’t know what around this time. It’s all related some how. 2012-2013 was life altering for me as far as my introduction. I never looked at underage porn, honestly. It was just pictures of fully clothed girls but I feel so guilty about it now. Because I’m really not like that. At least I never was until I looked at that shit. I know being on a bunch of amphetamine and buprenorphine doesn’t excuse my fuck ups but it kind of explains it. Everything just went down hill after this. I have a psychologist but I can’t tell her any of this shit. It’s too fucked up. I don’t even feel right telling you guys this stuff but I just want people to know that I may of had all this coming because I made some bad decisions. When I’m not on amphetamine I would never of been interested in what I did. I also looked at gay porn as well. I may be bisexual but I can’t imagine being with a dude unless I was on a bunch of drugs that made me feel comfortable. I think I’m just an emotionally destroyed person with no hope and a broken dick.

This is what benzo wd does to me. It makes me feel like such a loser and bad person. Like I just blow up my mistakes out of proportion it seems.

I also keep getting this brain squeezing pressure in my head every time I get these intrusive thoughts. It’s really fucked up. I can’t imagine how much damage quitting benzos would do to someone if they went cold turkey. I’m sure I’m also just extra sensitive to the drug but lets face it. I’m also on gabapentin and phenibut. Benzos are truly evil. From what I understand benzos have the worst withdrawal syndrome besides barbiturates.

Benzo withdrawal is dangerous so taper if you can.

That aside, you need to forgive yourself. I’ve done fucked up shit sexually. I’m not proud of it. I wish it weren’t true but it is. Lust is a powerful enemy. But I have to own it. Forgive yourself though. You aren’t alone. Everyone has issues to get through regarding sexual urges and desires. I believe it’s a good fight to try to bring them under your control. It’s not an easy one though. Just keep trying.

I know you say you can’t bring this up with a psychologist but maybe you could go to a new one or just a temporary one to unload. It’s emarassing. Holding it in is not good though. You have to face it. Accept yourself as you are today faults and all. Choose to move on each day trying to do better. Learn from your mistakes. Forgive though. Yourself and others. We’re all fucked up man.

I feel like I’ve won the fight as far as not fantasizing anymore but it altered my instincts. And now, as I’m coming off the drugs I’m rebuilding my personality again. I went through a similar process when I quit Suboxone for the first time in 2012 but not as bad as this time. I freaked out back then and started posting about it on TP. I get these fiendish sexual desires when I take these drugs and I don’t know why. I’m not trying to make excuses, all I can say is I never acted out on any of them. The worst thing I ever did was see escorts. I hated it though. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t want to be with me. Certain drugs like benzos, opiates, or booze take away inhibitions and amphetamine makes you hypersexual, so do the math. I wish I never went on Suboxone now. I may just be a little creepy and need to just be aware of it, which I fully am. So, now as it stands, I just can’t help but think of young girls sexually in some way when I am around them. I can’t put the genie back in the bottle more or less. I went to a doctors office and there was a young girl in a sun dress and she kept smiling at me while she was playing with her phone talking with what looked like her mother. I smiled back at her and the first thought in my mind was, what if my smile looked all creepy. People are always smiling at me because from what I’ve been told I’m handsome. Probably a little too handsome which sucks because I can’t really capitalize on it the way I want to. So, it was one of those forced half grin smiles that look like you are mentally disturbed and creepy. It was just a miserable smile, I wouldn’t necessarily call it creepy. I’m a depressed person and the girl made me feel good in some way when she smiled at me, I can’t deny it. I didn’t have any sexual urges but my subconscience was automatically suppressing sexual thoughts so I wouldn’t get any urges and it made me feel like I’m still haunted by what happened. I still need to get over it. I just wish I could be around this young person and feel normal thoughts and feelings. Having benzo withdrawal doesn’t help this shit either. I know some may be thinking this dude blames benzos for everything but nobody can understand unless they’ve been through it. When you take benzos your brain doesn’t suppress junk thoughts normally and over time it fucks up your personality. It takes awhile though, lets just say more than a few months. I guess this is why alcoholics eventually become monsters and terrorize their families. Turns out bad behavior is related to this shit. Some people are just born bad though. Not sure what the deal with me is. How can I forgive myself for this shit…I need to get over it first I think.

It’s not your fault.

You gotta realize they are just thoughts and urges that YOU are experiencing. The YOU that experiences them is not the thought. Now if you give the urge your body you’re not being the one in control, the urge is in control. That’s kinda how I see it.

I know exactly what you’re talking about though. For one thing our brains work without us asking them to sometimes. What causes the issue, in my opinion, is our dread, disgust, shame, self hatred of those thoughts. It’s like with panic attacks. You worry youre going to have one. The thought comes of having one. You obsess over having one. Then you start to gave one and those thoughts amplify and multiply, spinning out of control in a sort of thought loop or cycle.

You see a young girl. With the ways they dress now it’s already setting up a sexual response for some guys. The issue is you are obsessed with the fact that you have those thoughts. Of course they bother you but it’s your reaction to them that matters. The more you panic or react to them, the more they will come.

The thing is these thoughts are not you. You are the observer of your thoughts. You can look at them as s third party so to speak. I’m not talking about urges here, just thoughts. Urges are different to me, but thoughts are usually before urgres. They precede them if that makes sense.

For me, if the thought comes I notice it and let it pass. If it comes again I let it pass. Think of them as third parties. As passers by. They may bug you but they can’t force you to do anything. It’s just brain activity. The less you fear them the less they come in my experience. We are trained to focus on danger and fear. This is good when fear is a lion or a cliff edge. It’s over active when we don’t have those same struggles anymore (lions and such.)

Try to observe the thoughts as an outside viewer next time. Like a scientist observing a specimen. It’s not you. It’s a thought. YOU are the one observing. Realize this. You’re getting caught in unpleasant thought loops. You see a young girl and automatically go into this mode. But it’s just a thought loop. You aren’t are horrible person.

Thanks for any support. I probably need it because I don’t feel well. Not sure if I even want to go to school now. I can probably be successful if I tried but I’m just in too much pain and stressed out and can’t find a reason to even want to anymore. When you go through as much pain as I have recently you start to question everything. And honestly, what is the point. Nothing matters when my mind is clouded by debilitating dick pain that just keeps coming back no matter how hard I try to do the right thing. What is the point of even having a penis if it causes this much pain. If my mind is causing this pain and if it is mostly related to the benzo withdrawal and whatever else it doesn’t seem like there is much I can do about that either. The less benzos I take the more it hurts it seems. How I’m I supposed to get any work done if I feel devastated all the time…how do I focus…I am truly disabled…fml….being a horrible person would explain why this is all happening to me…and the truth is I found the young girl more attractive than her mother who I found unattractive. If her mother smiled at me I wouldn’t of smiled back. I would of just gave her the usual blank autistic stare I give every other woman.

I just don’t want you to feel like a horrible person because of these thoughts. You’re dealing with a lot. If you have to stay on benzos and taper later that’s ok I think. It’s up to you. Just take baby steps or no steps even if you need to rest. I’m not saying go back into heavy drug use. But if you need more time to taper so be it. Focus on forgiving yourself. Learn to love yourself faults and all.

I’m almost off the benzo but I’m going to take my time with the rest of the taper. I made it to 2.4mg of the chlordiazepoxide or Librium. That is less than 0.05mg of the equivalent dosage of clonazepam or alprazolam. Some people would of just quit the benzo by now. I’m not getting any therapeutic effect from it anymore. Just basically mentally tortured every day by the withdrawal. I’ve been coping well up until the point I started holding at this current dose despite the harsh physical symptoms. I put all my energy into tapering, and I even was able to channel my pain to taper Suboxone too. I was very focused all summer and this helped me mentally. It was a cruel lesson in masochism. I’m so tired and mentally exhausted from all this. Even physically. I’ve been walking and exercising without taking breaks until recently since May. So, now that I’m reaching this point. I’m starting to feel the post acute symptoms more or less. I have to wait it out until I feel better which can take days or maybe even weeks. I don’t want to raise the benzo dose because I’ll have to taper it again. Even if I raise the dose at this point it won’t be that helpful unless I raise it a significant amount. I’d probably have to go to 5mg of Librium a day to feel more at ease. Fuck that though. My real fear is going back to school and being surrounded by women and feeling uncomfortable everyday. Having depressing dick pain distracting every aspect of my life and feeling like a fucking failure. What is there to love?

Just my experience, but a short break from school usually leads to a long break.

You may not see your self as someone who is worth loving right now. That’s just right now though. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to just take one day at a time. It will pass.