Possible minor injury

Glad to hear from you. WD from benzos are rough and should absolutely be tapered. Exercise and eating right are great. It sounds like you are feeling somewhat better downstairs. Here’s to hoping that trend continues. I need to eat healthier too!

Things will continue to get better. This month of July marks the beginning of the end of this mission to get off benzos and opiates. I didn’t want to have to taper everything at the same time but I just needed to. I do not like Suboxone. It isn’t that hard to taper but it casts some intense waves of depression on the benzo taper. I’m more concerned about after I finish getting off everything with the next 4-6 weeks. I will more than likely be exhausted, withdrawn, and depressed 7-10 days after being completely off benzos and opiates. After the acute stage ends I will have PAWS.

Phenibut, I’m also tapering. I’m down to 400mg. I need to take that down to at least 250mg to be satisfied. There is another substance called fasoracetam (15mg/day) that I take. The limited research says it reduces tolerance to Phenibut by up-regulating GABA B receptors. It totally works too. It also makes me feel energized and ready to take on tasks. I get everything from Nootropics Depot/Ceretropic and also Liftmode for Phenibut and other stuff like magnolia bark and baicalin. They are as kosher as it gets in this unregulated industry.

I’m also tapering Gabapentin (~1440mg) at a sluggish pace that is of no concern. But, adding everything up it is pretty fucked up. I feel like I’m constantly in some weird transcendental state that defies reason, but I have no choice but to fall forward and complete the mission. I have adapted for the most part and have learned coping mechanisms to feel “happy” but as my mind starts healing and getting clearer I get more swings in my overall mood. My pain is mostly mental at this point…I think at least…considering how much drug withdrawal I have, I expected more to be honest. I do do a lot of yoga now and take long walks sometimes but that is about it. One more month. Maybe by mid August I will be off this disgusting combination of benzos and opiates, that is not something you want to take everyday. It will really make your brain forget how to feel and atrophy…literally wither away into shit. I’m surprised that this is reversing because a few months ago I thought I had early onset dementia. I do take a lot of neuroprotective drugs to mitigate the effects of benzos and opiates and prevent damage. It’s hard to say if they helped yet due to constant paranoia but I don’t see why they would hurt me. I am on 3 different racetams, memantine, emoxypine, afobazole and myriad of supplements to counteract my misery. I also take a copper peptide called GHK-Cu pretty much every day. I’d like to stop taking all this shit asap. And I know that isn’t going to happen until I get off Librium and Suboxone. So, I need to focus and get this shit done this month. This is beyond my dick at this point. I don’t want to take a dozen questionable substances a day to stop benzos from destroying my brain anymore.

Sounds like youve got a plan. Do you have any hobby’s by any chance? Music or art? I know when things are stressful playing guitar helps me. Just throwing out some ideas. Glad you are taking steps in a good direction.

The best thing you can do is get off all those meds, stay strong mate.

The only thing I do really is hang out in my bed room. I try to read and learn as much as I can from medical journals….research and articles. I’m not that efficient on all these downers but it is a good distraction. I’m still keeping up with the yoga…mostly standing poses and some other stuff. Lately, I’ve been able to work out more. Push ups and pull ups are easier to do on lower doses of the drugs. Overall, I’m not as disabled. I’m starting to get drugs cravings and I seem more restless. I started doing acupuncture on myself yesterday (LI-4, TE-5, ST-36). I had really vivid dreams last night. I’m hanging in there. I have a realistic plan. I still have to taper gabapentin over the fall. I’m reducing the phenibut dose down to 250mg and then just holding there. I do not plan on quitting phenibut completely right now. I just want to get to 250mg and take it from there. I’m nervous about coming off all this shit at once. I am registered to start classes this fall. I’m excited to go back and I think it will help the healing process. I will go part time until I’m ready to go full time again.

I registered with the disability resource center so I am managing everything the best I can in order to succeed. I will just have to grind out the gabapentin while I am in school. I really do not know if I can quit everything this fall because of the PAWS I will have. I will be fine though. This is going to take a while. My goal is to be completely substance free by December, with the exception of maybe some light use of cannabis and/or psilocybin mushrooms. Not even sure if I will do anything. I’ve been using drugs for 15 consecutive years and it has peaked to what you see today. I am still delusional about what is happening. So, in December, I’m just going to go somewhere for a week with some friends or by my self. I wanted to go to Iceland, so I’ll go to Iceland or maybe Greece, or both. I have the money and family in Greece so that’s easy if I’m up for it. I’m just sick and tired of living this way.

One important thing I didn’t mention. My health seems to be improving. Or my stress level is changing. Something is different. I don’t feel as paranoid today after doing a dab…I did keep it small and I add CBD isolate on my dabs now. I eat edibles too. Not alot. I don’t really like the way pot makes me feel as I’m coming of the benzos but it improves my quality of life. I usually only eat like 10-15mg of THC per edible, so I try to get comfortable. I get uncomfortable if I use too much cannabis. I ate a 50mg cookie at a friends house a week ago and I could of swore I was a goner. Eating mushrooms at the same time did not help. I’m an idiot, I don’t know what to say. I obviously didn’t drink or do any hard drugs because I can’t right now while I’m on this mission. I’ve been getting weird cravings for red wine all day today because the Ashton Manual says it is okay to have a glass or two once in while, in chapter 3 under the diet, fluids, and exercise paragraph. I tried that last fall and in November things got bad. Started out with two glasses, once or twice a week at this nice asian restaurant walking distance from me. But it all ended in tears when I started buying Bota Box RedVolution’s and finally ended up blacking out once, waking up the next day with red pulpy matter all over my toilet and rug, not remembering how it happened, with raging suicidal ideation. I even typed a suicide note, printed it out and threw it away and forced myself to go to sleep.

Hope youve been doing ok.

I’m doing ok. Thanks for asking. Relatively good I’d say today. Just chipping away, lowering the benzos and opiates. I’ll be free of this by the end of next month for sure. Most of my problems stem from tapering benzos I think. I get hypochondriac pain that I can eliminate instantly with acupuncture. So, the drugs are affecting my mind negatively. I’ll get better over time. I’m still dealing with intermittent discomfort and mild pain occasionally which goes away if I stop masturbating. It seems I can masturbate once a week a feel fine though.

I went through a similar pattern of pain/healing the first time I had to go through this healing process a few year ago. Don’t understand how one or two erect bends can cause this much pain and suffering. I used to do erect bends all the time. I didn’t warm up or anything and it all happened suddenly last February. My PE days may be over for now but I just want to live a pain free normal life. I don’t care about penis size as much. It’s not as important as I thought. After this is all over, and I’m off all these mind bending drugs I will reinvestigate this. Hopefully, this is some kind of mental problem and I can go back to normal sooner than later and heal from this completely.

Just my two cents…but youve got a big dick as is haha. Glad you’re doing well though. The body us an amazing healing machine.

Having a really hard time emotionally today. I had to go to the city yesterday and meet with academic advisors. Really rough. Today I have some spontaneous dick pain and I keep thinking about my friend who murdered his wife like a savage, a little over a year ago. He helped me out with physics and calculus stuff and was the only person I ever connected with seamlessly with academics. He was also my friend. I went to his wedding. I always knew he was weird too. Like how Dexter can feel out killers, this dude made alarms go off in my head but I really enjoyed his company and the way he explained things so brilliantly. So now he is in jail waiting to go to trial for stabbing his wife multiple times brutally. This keeps fucking with my head. I met his wife several times. She went to MIT. She was also black as well and basically a total genius which just makes this crime even more fucked up. She seemed super timid and nice too. My buddy is super smart as well but a complete oddball but I never saw this coming. Maybe that’s why we had a connection because I’m weird too. I never wrote him and don’t plan on contacting him because of what he did and I just don’t want to get involved. But on top of all the difficult emotions I need to process, this is beyond me. I don’t know how to even think about this.

That’s horrible. Very shocking thing to have happen close to you. If it helps at all, I’m not sure you’re meant to be able to just neatly pack that kind of thing away in your mind. I mean it shows you care if that makes sense. It’s good that you react to it, in other words.

Thing is you have your own path and things to process in your own life. You have to realize you are not able to take on the whole world and it’s issues, while at the same time you have to try not to grow apathetic.

I’m sorry that it haunts you. Just don’t get down on yourself for caring about it. Try to take a deep breath and relax. You can only do so much.

I just feel bad because it seems like I care more about him getting locked away than what happened to his wife which feels wrong. He was a big part of my life though. I learned physics, chemistry, math and some computer science stuff through him. He was better than any app or youtube video for learning anything. So, it is a blow to me that someone I looked up to is a wife slayer. I probably met up with him nearly every day from 2008-2010. When he met his girlfriend who would become his wife he became weird and started writing poetry. I thought it was really weird when he announced he is a published poet considering he was nerdy dude who drank mountain dew every day. It just felt wrong. I just wanted to tell him your nuts. His writing is above average though. I have no idea why he did what he did. I can only speculate what can make someone do that to their wife. It’s just a big let down to me in a lot of ways. I also owed him like $1200 I think. Guess I don’t have to pay him now unless he convinced me to give him money for the weekly trip to the jail commissary store.

As hard as it is to says this, I don’t believe anyone should be defined by their worst act. I’m not saying there should be no consequences. Who knows what’s going on with him? I certainly don’t. I don’t know how someone could do what he did. Others, if they knew, might say the same for things I’ve done. I guess I just see forgiveness and attempts at restoration or healing better than flat out punishment with no other end in mind.

That being said, dealing with someone who is mentally unstable is extremely difficult. It’s hard to care about and be invested in someone who is going through that.

I’m not suggesting you go see him or anything. If you want to repay him I think he’d appreciate it. If you owe him I mean. It’s up to you if you want to make contact. I’m telling you now, it may be highly disturbing to contact him. I’m just throwing that out there because of your other struggles. Maybe work on forgiving him…I know that sounds odd. In my opinion the power of forgiveness is strong.

You gotta forgive and take care of yourself first though. Can’t really move forward until then.

I wish you peace and a clear mind.

I was thinking that if I did contact him it would be disturbing. Also, I don’t know if he wants to hear from me either. One person that visits him regularly, I talk to of FB sometimes. He gave me the mailing address to write him in the jail where he is awaiting to go to trial. I wasn’t great friends with him but we were pretty tight. I definitely was more intrigued by him than he was of me because of the type of relationship we had I think. It was like a student and teacher relationship plus friendship type thing. We’d go out to eat and talk on the phone too all the time. My family and friends tell me to not write him and stay away though. My dad even went as far to say that writing him may upset him or set him off. My dad is probably just trying to protect me though. I honestly, just don’t know what to say to him right now. If I did contact him I should probably wait until I am mentally stable.