Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Is Thimbelina that girl from the past you reached out to or another? Just curious.

Another. Thimblina, she’s an ex that’s off and on again. We love each other but…and there we are.

That other girl from my past I’ll just call her the goth one. We officially ended things a few nights ago. Mutual deletion, have a nice life sort of thing. She and I weren’t the same folks from over 10 years ago. So, that’s done.

Kicking porn has been an ongoing nightmare. The problem is so many things are tied to my former usages of porn that it is hard to kick the habit by itself and still do my life in the same exact way. So, when my ex start stressing me out my former standby being porn landed me in the relapse situation. It stretched over two and a half days, a pretty strong case to debate the validity of a slip and a complete relapse and I’ll go with relapse in this case.

Given that it is not her fault directly I can’t blame her. My inability to find a better coping mechanism on the Fly is more to blame. But my discipline as of late has wavered. Since my running incident I haven’t been exercising like I should have been. My sex drive has increased due to the testosterone supplement I’ve been taking and having gotten less sex porn has been more attractive. Physically, I’ve been more frustrated and motivated simultaneously so fishing for numbers has to bear out for me to expand my partner pool and it hasn’t. Just a bad combo that exploited my weaknesses.

This morning I woke up upset with no morning wood. I was up all night, porn and gaming. Old school version of me being irresponsible. Can’t justify it any other way than losing the fight to stress and going to my old coping mechanisms.

l will be alright in a couple days. Back on the horse and ready to fight for my body and my sanity but today…gotta recover and reflect.

*my apologies to any who read this message before I finished it originally.

The combination of these things is the Gestalt of why I relapsed. It’s the same ex I speak fondly of. I’m learning not to be so fond. *sighs*

Call it a lapse rather than a relapse. It takes on average 16 attempts to quit smoking. Once you know that you can be more kind to yourself when you lapse.

What supliment are you taking?

SB

How come you don’t go outside?

You can’t jack off if you’re outside, not alone and in a public place.
Feel the urge.. Go outside. Somewhere. Just Get Out.

I mean you’re not asking for “advice” but if you can’t access the porn, you won’t.

You can edit your “host file” on your PC and block all the sites you visit.
I believe you can password protect the file so ONLY your computer can access it for data (I.e. Following the existing instructions and the ones you add).
Test it first to make sure it works, then delete the password from the computer and put a paper copy in your safe (or some obnoxious place) and you’re set.

Most mobile stores have apps to stop and or block porn and most carriers also have tools.
Get some apps to block the porn AND then if possible block the sites on a carrier level.

Now you may be a busy, productive man normally and in your day-to-day life, but it seems from reading this thread and I believe your posts elsewhere, that you occasionally have periods of idle time. And when stress levels are high enough or the triggers go off, you turn to porn. As the saying goes, an idle mind is the devils playground. Now this of course isn’t an admonishment against porn, but it’s your “devil” in this instance.

Find other things to do. It would probably be best if it isn’t in front of the computer whatever it is. And away from the gun range. ( I believe you go there.. I dunno whatev)

It would be best if it’s outside and away from triggers. If you must game (as it seems your a gamer) go to a nearby arcade or a LAN party somewhere and game with people in-person. Busy yourself with things to do, new goals, tasks, objectives that block or otherwise interrupt the need to indulge. Refocus.

If you leave home just make sure you come back tired and wanting to sleep and not fuck or otherwise release your load to get the endorphins (etc.) and all the other stuff.

The other thing is if you haven’t provided a big enough why to not indulge in porn, it will always be an issue. Perhaps dig down and provide yourself with clips of meaningful ammunition so you can keep the porn at bay.

Wish you the best.
Hope my words find favor to your understanding.

I know it. But I know raw brutality helps me focus. I’m better than this. I am understanding why I’m failing. I’m growing. It isn’t just mindless. I’m clawing my way out. Failures pave the way for success.

I take

Hey brother when I read about your struggles with porn, I think about my own. I tried many times to quit porn and always went back to it. This last and final quitting happened on my 29th birthday. I was deeply unhappy with myself about how I was squandering my soul beating it furiously to a screen. I realize that before I wanted to ‘quit porn’ this made me weak. I was resisting something not moving toward some thing…i was beating back a symptom. But now deep in my heart I realize that I want a certain type of life… and that porn is just not in alignment with. I have not even had the ‘hunger pang’ to look at porn since. I relish pouring every drop of my intensity into my girlfriend, my life etc. Quitting porn is different from living life a certain way. I’m not sure if I’m explaining my thought well.

The gun part wasn’t anti-gun by the way, it’s just that you do it already. New stimuli, new activities instead of those already available to you. Just in case the comment became misconstrued.

“Quitting porn” is merely the words used. I align myself with positive change and live this way. Additionally, I have written extensively on the subject as far as changing one’s thought patterns and life to achieve whatever it is you set out to do. I know what I need to do, just as well as I know my mind and it’s weaknesses. The battle changes daily for me and your life and mine differ drastically.

I am truly glad you’ve made good change though.

About three months porn free here. Nothing bad to say except I kind of miss watching porn, all the rest is positive.

Im using porn to help staying erect while pumping, otherwise I pretty much don´t watch it.

Also between pumping sets I try to stimulate myself without porn, if I can´t get 100% erect then thats an indicator to stop.

I do get out. However, given I’ve been injured and off work for several months…I keep very odd hours. I also live in a really crappy neighborhood so…probably shouldn’t go walking at 3am when I’m all gamed out. That said, I’m working on my porn issues. I have a strong idea what to do and progress, even in my lapses, is happening always. As I’m more upset about relapsing than actually damaging my EQ or drive. Back when I was in the throes of addiction, it destroyed my sexual desire. Now, it’s just more guilty pleasure and annoying at the end.

This, I can handle. I write to vent and to let those struggling with porn know it IS an ongoing struggle, always. Like any addiction.

In the prior 2 updates Status update 2: Girth trending upwards more stably and Status update: Girth trending upwards and plans I speak on measuring my MSEG. For those who follow me, I usually measure with an OK grip at the base after kegeling in a good amount of blood to get a consistent erection. However, in those two entries I experiment with measuring my mid shaft erect girth without the OK grip. I’ve noted some trending upwards in those entries and now…I think I can mark those as gains.

As I’ve getting 15.8-15.9cm very reliably now when I’m 100% hard without using an OK grip that I’ll mark that as my new girth. I’m going to try not to measure with the OK grip in the future, unless my EQ drops dramatically. I honestly don’t know if I can do measured girth pictures without an OK grip. *sighs* 15.9cm is also 6.25” and that’s as thick as the mid shaft has ever been, but stable now. It happened around this time last year that I last saw this number. Just…as an aside.

Official measurements are marked either at 10/9 or 10/15. Mid month or so, something like that. And I’ll mark these with pictures, even if I show more erect ‘losses’ in length.

Ball Zinger inbound. Very eager about this. Like, I can barely contain myself.

Additionally, pumping supplies for PE4F pumping are likely inbound. Gauge I bought is too large for the hosing I use. So, if I want to go whole hog, I can simply drill the tube itself and seal it with plumbers epoxy. It’s 1/4” for the male type connection. I’ll debate that versus hosing. I suspect a tube mount would be more accurate in either case but this would require a vice and time to be careful to create such a hole in smooth acrylic.

I’ve got a mentality update to post too but I have errands to run so it’s going to have to wait until later.

I write more candidly here than most. A fair amount of my entries don’t have anything to do with my penis directly. This is one of them, though tangentially it will be relevant. Today, I touch on women in my life and coming to grips.

If you’ve been following me, I’ve got a fair amount of relationships (I can’t even remember who all I’ve mentioned but it’s about 3 today) and they all have vastly different dynamics. I’ll be breaking it down, more for myself, and you’ll be able to see some of what I’m talking about.

The Goth Girl: She was my first love, it was a simplistic and naive affair and did not withstand the test of time or practicality.

The loving ex: A relationship defined by swift and hot burning fire, physical and emotional but ultimately not fulfilling due to ideological differences.

The young one: A girl I met at work who relates to me on a surface level. I treat her well, and she treats me well but the age gap has dismantled us romantically more than once. Currently a roommate/friend/non-fuck-buddy/date friend. Maybe more again someday, maybe not.

The bestie: A good friend and confidant that I lust after and love.

Understanding my relationships has made me happier and stronger than ever. Today, I woke up so inspired because of all of the closure I’ve been able to gather relating to all of these things. I realize how fortunate I am and how strong I’ve become. How I don’t need validation from anyone else regarding the endeavors I undertake. I admit to using my partners as crutches in the past. My bestie was especially tolerant of this, for a long time. It wasn’t until I was forced to think about myself critically, by myself for long periods of time that I saw my most common pitfalls.

Something I mention regularly here is how you shouldn’t get reliant on ego strokes from your partner. How it can wear out over time, in a short time likely. It’s very difficult to not want more once your ego is stroked. Dopamine is as it does, once it drips we want it to run like a faucet. That is biology, how the brain is wired. So, once you do that and you get addicted to the dopamine from ego strokes…you’ll be in a very bad place and using your partners to stroke your ego in any possible way. The takeaway here is simple: Handing someone the keys to your ego is like handing someone a loaded pistol and pointing it at your head and asking them to proceed about their life in a normal way. It is an accident waiting to happen. And it is an undignified way to live.

Nowadays, I’m independent and chatting up women at will. I don’t need to meet online. I don’t need to plan out what I’m doing. I don’t have to worry about how I look or what someone will think of my penis. I’m just me. I love me and I inflate my own ego at will, when I feel like I need a boost. I believe in the awesomeness of myself. This is my truth. It has guided me and continues to guide me so that can shape my destiny into a form I choose.

And I have just intentionally reduced my sex life, which was good, to almost zero. Maybe I will keep it slightly above zero. But no excitement right now. I need gains.