Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Ok Richard. It’s funny though that you know I was racist . I don’t know how you found out but kudos to your adaptive subconscious.

I tried to like tg but just can’t . Don’t ban me for saying this but I have many prejudices, even self-prejudice. I won’t even look at another thoughtfulgold post I promise. I’ll leave thoughtfulgold by his self from now on.

I don’t mean any trouble but like I’ve said I try to be honest with myself.

Tg: I don’t have anything against you but my head is wired a certain way. I don’t want to get banned so I’ll just avoid you from now on. Keep writing pretty and so long.

Btw I’m white and I defend my race. Is that racist or the opposite of racist? I’m defending my race. If I wasn’t white tall smart handsome I’d probably be depressed , I’d probably not even have the spirit to post here. I’m defending my ethnicity because technically there is only one race the human

I wish you the best of luck, where you end up. Honestly, there are forums for people who believe in the Master Race. And groups, too. If you like meeting in real life.

They aren’t here. Good bye.

ThoughtfulGold, I appreciate the shit out of your honesty and viewpoint. What shines even brighter is your ability to stay positive and helpful even when confronted with a pile of stupid and hate. Rock on TG, much respect.

I didn’t know, nor did I care you where black, I guess I need to spend more time staring at dick pics. LMFAO.

+1

I try to help. Railing at his racism won’t change it. And it would only inflame the situation. Hopefully he’s found a place where he fits in better.

I have say I am curious about the nostaglia of reaching back to an old friend. I was pondering it, don’t know what I might do for sure if the circumstances allowed it, but I have often thought that I might.

Wouldn’t expect it to work out and that’s a separate subject but I wonder what sources the inclination to reach back, to check it, why we hold on to it.

It’s interesting.

Most of it is habit and investment. My own research and notation of relationships and friendships now…indicate that the lack of effort needed to create them directly correlates to the value assigned to them.

You meet a girl on a dating site one night, go on a date, fuck, argue one time then both of you are back surfing for more ass.

You write someone every week for a year, you meet and the time spent is much more meaningful and you’re much more loathe to sever the connection needlessly, without an actual cause.

I mean in her case, she was my first internet friend back when no one had internet at home. So we were going to libraries to pen-pal in essence, stealing time at friends and families just to chat about nothing. The sheer level of effort added a dimension of value and purpose to the friendship so we’ve always kept in loose contact, even when the initial relationship soured. We even talked about this aspect of our relationship and how in this day and age what we did to be in contact with one person is completely unheard of and ludicrous now. And thusly, how relationships are devoid of meaning and content these days, you just meet someone else after you fall out with this one. It’s that easy to pick up a new ‘friend’ online.

However, of the same token, you meet someone you knew from grade school who was your close friend from back then…you’re willing to do a lot more to meet and chat with them than you are someone you met on facebook via a mutual interest in a hobby. The problem is deep, long-lasting and meaningful connections are dying. The culural norm of their existence is fading. They simply aren't being born anymore.

So, the temptation is always there. It’s the same exact reason that if you’ve dated someone for a year or more it’s harder to kick that person as a habit than someone you had a fling with. It’s the connection based on time and effort invested. And why many divorcees keep in contact with their former spouses.

So…it just happened, as it tends to, as it has many times previously with her. Our connection is a lasting one, even if we have nothing in common anymore.

They say most penises are eliptical or oval in shape. Mine is not. It is a round cylinder, which is how I’ve always imagined penises look. This actually robs me of some visible width, though no less girthy than an oval version. It just looks dumb on calipers.

I calipered myself at 1 and 15/16” for a starter measurement for glans width. It also gave me a good measurement of the glans length at 1 and 7/8”

I’m not happy with this. But it makes my goals more concrete. I bought a cheap sliding pocket caliper off of Amazon and it will help me get to my next goals. I definitely have 2.25” set as my new goal but really, it’s an ending goal of 2.5” glans width or I’ll just keep at PE till I get there. My EQ wasn’t 100% so I’ll check again later. Probably try to get some pictures up of me using the calipers but that’s tricky as it is a two hand endeavor and I can’t hold my phone and stay focused. *shrugs*

I had never thought of that, but I got a round one too. Maybe I will try flattening out in a vice so it’s like 4” wide and stretches the shit out of them walls! haha.

There is an exercise called “The Crusher” which features a bench vice. Not my personal recommendation but more than one person has tried it, says it works for girth.

The above comment is a statement, not a personal belief or practice.

Well I could clamp a vice to my dick and use it for hanging at the same time!

LOL!

I’ve written about porn on many occasions here on Thunder’s. This entry is simply about the feeling of that inexorable pressure to seek dopamine out.

I was at home, washing dishes on a Saturday evening. I was home alone. Gaming was a bust for the day, all my friends are busy, working or unavailable. I was bored. Very bored. Then I sat at the desk.

I could feel it creeping around my brain. The budding fantasies. The triggers. The desire to seek porn. I noticed myself idly touching the crotch of my pants. Literally, unconsciously preparing to masturbate (I honestly feel that my desire to continue wearing pants when at home saved me here). Then, time seemed to stop.

I said “this is what it is like, when your brain seeks dopamine so much…when it demands some form of satisfaction so keeningly loud.” I had noted my mood had dropped earlier in the day seemingly over something minor. Not like me at all. Before my gf left we had patched things up. We had great sex the night before and the morning was a lovely one. But…this feeling of low energy and listlessness. My boredom with my chores, as dishes and more cleaning lie ahead…I came and sat at the machine and felt the old urges surging. Even as I pushed them down, I could feel the tickles in my brain of it trying to activate the imagination center and create the state of mind that urges me to seek erotica or other porn.

It is because we live in an instant gratification society. We are never happy unless things are happening *now* and we are physically conditioned, down to synaptic responses we cannot control, to be this way due to the level of technology at our fingertips at every waking moment.

Instead of breaking, I wrote this. I read it out loud. And I could feel my brain recoiling, I could feel the body chemicals shift and going back into a low energy state instead of a pre-porn dopamine drip. It was ridiculous. But it was real.

That is where the fight against porn is won and lost. When you have *nothing* better to do.

This is very interesting and it reminded me of what you wrote about social media and it’s impact on meaningful relations - immediate gratification, mindless validation, overwhelming us. You almost have to have to pursue an ascetic existence at least for a period of time to regain some semblance of control, footing. It’s just not easy with all these inputs.

I find the key element to defeating pornography or any habit that ties itself to your dopamine chemical impulse is metacognition. I’ll list it below as I’m using it. Because this is key. Google will afford you this exact display.
—
met·a·cog·ni·tion
ˌmedəˌkäɡˈniSH(ə)n/
nounPsychology
noun: metacognition; noun: meta-cognition

awareness and understanding of one's own thought processes.
—
I’ve mentioned this word before but it is more key than ever, now. We are animals. Super stimuli, the sort that make people overeat because there is just *so* much good tasting food available, the kind that force us to watch porn because our animal brains crave this stimulation…they override our conscious mind. They shape our conscious thoughts to where we do not realize we are being puppet-ed by our endocrine system. Any addict of anything will tell you the first step to binging on the thing of choice: Rationalizing it out.

Our conscious mind is a captive, being forced to create some sort of series of facsimiled lies to justify us doing the thing. Whether it’s “I’m feeling lucky!” before you hit the racetrack with the rent money or “I just want a little bit…” before you crack open the liquor bottle or “I just need to take the edge off before bed because she’s asleep…” before you hit the porn spiral…

It is all the same thing. An excuse to use your poison of choice. The brain is so complex though. It knows how to outsmart the subconscious, where you in the back of your mind realize your addiction is a poor choice. It pushes an illusion of an end on the subconscious. It will set a fictitious, nigh impossible limitation on your usage of the poison of choice to assuage the subconscious. So that you can binge with a perceived purpose and not just to do the thing. It gives you a ‘goal’ and with a ‘goal’ you don’t feel like you’re going to fucking binge on the thing till you can’t think straight, sleep or be productive the next day.

My old trigger for porn would inevitably be a story I would never find again. A particular captioned picture. A particular chapter of an erotic comic. Such specific things that the odds of finding it (especially without titles or artist names) would be nigh impossible. And it would provoke an indefinite surf of these things to create the illusion of a productive search. In “YourBrainOnPorn” they speak on men surfing porn mindlessly, searching for the perfect image or video to climax to. That there is the “impossible search” in action. But for me, my brain had to make it more complicated to ensure my actual compliance. Yet, it is the same exact concept!

However, let me make clear that the ‘goal’ is a bandaid on a bullet wound. I remember I found a particular picture I wanted. I saved it. Then every couple days I would look at it and be sated for some reason. I suppose this is my brain honoring its end of the agreement. But, each time I would be tempted more and more. And after about 4 days of not surfing porn…I triggered. A new ‘goal’ had been set and I was off to the races again. I can remember this happening before, in the past. When the internet was smaller and triggers were harder to come by but easier to remember where they were. So the ‘goal’ was never going to actually slow the consumption of the addiction at all, it was merely an illusion so that I could find the perfect start point to kick off binge after binge.

And if you ask any junkie, the same idea makes them go back to the drug of choice. The same “I’ll get just a little high, feel it and walk away” explanation. The same thing that never happens. I just detailed that above, it is the pathology of addiction. Just TG’s flavor.

For me to kick porn, I have to kill the tendrils of curiosity. Then, I either need to have sex or put my pants back on. Period. This is how I kill the cravings. The environment is all under my control. I have to make myself into the productive and smart version of myself. Not the pleasure-driven zombie version that all of the ‘right now gratification’ electronic inputs has basically reduced most of humanity to. It is a battle every time. But less so, each time.

I am actually conscious of the fight I’m battling. Each time I’ve succumbed in the past I’ve memorized that sensation, each of them. I play them back when I feel my mind creeping towards the temptation. Because I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to give in and let go again. I am not the puppet of my impulses. I am better than that. All of these things run through my mind so that I can maintain that control I require to be the person I want to be. Not the zombie that defaulting to short-term releases would have me be reduced to.

Without metacognition, I would creep back to porn through erotica. I am a reader. Some smut is written well enough that I like it on its face and not just for the fap material. And then, after reading it…I’ll look for images to illustrate it with. After doing that, I’ll be down the rabbit hole and a couple hours later with an unexpected orgasm I’ll be crashing back to Earth. Not having found the ‘goal’. Not having stopped myself. In the middle of a body chemical crash point. Feeling like a failure. I cannot count that cycle and its revolutions.

Technology is the biggest enabling factor for me. However, I have some hard limits. That I even tried to surpass that I can’t and will not. I do not consume porn on my phone. Ever. I’ve tried. I just cannot do it, no matter how fast or pretty my screen is. This gives me a valuable foothold and limits my use to the room with my computer in it. And then, I just keep myself under control when on the computer. Easier with a pair of pants and underwear on. These are the methods to my own madness. I spend a lot of time resisting my impulses to reach for technology in other contexts as well. I want to have a brain not enslaved, as a point of strength.

Thus, for me, porn will be defeated. But for many, this amount of inner reflection, psychological study and effort are simply out of their reach.