Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Interesting. Are the triggers and metacognition the same for the PE drive?

That depends. Triggers in this case provoke addictive behavior. Metacognition allows you to sense and understand your behaviors that you unconsciously do to propagate the addiction.

In PE training metacognition let’s you unleash your inner potential and do more than someone just going through the motions.

Unless you’re addicted to PE and it has affected your life negatively. Then, perhaps triggers and metacognition for porn addiction could be similar.

Some good insight here. It is weird how hard it is NOT do something, you can do anything else you like just don’t…masturbate, smoke, drink, take a pill, whatever. All you have to do is nothing! I say this stoned, smoking a cigarette, with a drink next to me at 9 am…but whatever, still weird. I guess it is how strong your mind is over the outside influences. I’d drop a intruder in a heartbeat, but I can’t drop cigarettes to save my life it seems….

You have to understand yourself. They say a competitor in any sport or game knows how to mindgame his opponent. This, metacognition, is mindgaming yourself. And boy howdy, for this game you have to be ready to win.

Metaconditioning or whatever reminds of my favorite story, Journey to the West. Kind of a Taoist/Buddhist story meant for kids. In the story a monk has this monkey that starts hanging out with him and gets into all sort of trouble. It’s a metaphor about controlling your “mind ape”…you might enjoy it.

I checked my log. It looks like the last real routine I logged was on the 13th of last month or so. Really idly tugging or squeezing isn’t a routine and I’ve done none of it to any point of fatigue so…pretty much been on decon since my last failures with my BathmateX50. Still selling it. Still looking for an original Goliath. Now hoping Penomet creates a larger system calibrated the same way, as I really like how the Penomet is set up and works…the gaiter diameters just are inconvenient for me at this point. So I think a smaller and larger size unit would help more guys.

Entering this entry just to keep myself abreast of the pretty much nothing I’ve been up to on the PE front. I mean I guess I can put official numbers for September up next week. That’s always fun. *rolls eyes*

Morning wood and wood for things like people I find attractive in my actual life and being happy with how I look and feel are positive steps. Now, if I was in a place where I actually wanted sex with the person I’m in a relationship with…that would be nice too. But that is a discord related event, not physical in the least. Working on it. Hopefully.

BPEL: 8.85” or 22.5cm
This is down from a measurement that previously was trending downwards from 9.13” and I suspect, my emphasis on squeezes and girth has let the length that the hangar and stretching heavy exercises give me wane. I refuse to claim 9” when it ain’t there. I’ll get back there soon enough.

MSEG: 6.37” or 16.2cm
This is the same from the last serious MSEG I did with pictures at the end of July. It seems to be more the median now. Between 16 and 16.5cm but I’m not marking up any further any faster than I ought to. I know what measurement errors are about. Updated girth pictures 7-28-17

BEG: 7.44” or 18.9cm
This is pretty much in the same area it’s been in. It still trends as high as 7.67” or 19.5cm so in essence my base girth is the exact same as it’s been since Summer started.

The summary? BPEL is down as I’ve taken my time active to exercise and do more with my life instead of maintain. MSEG and BEG have pretty much stabilized. EQ has been up and Morning Wood occurances are on the rise, enough that I’m waking up to enjoy them. Overall, relatively sound and good PE gains if I had to make a statement.

I could make this a solo entry. I could talk about this in a manner that would encourage more discussion. I could do a thread and get around a dozen or two comments maybe…but it isn’t about discussion. It’s about how I found out that this affects me…still, again, and in the subtle ways that manifested in all of my PE since pretty much Thanksgiving of last year when I met the woman I’m with now.

I made some good gains so far this year. I’ve seen great EQ gains to where erections aren’t always manual stimulation, they’ve got morning wood occurances regularly, I can masturbate at least 3 times a day instead of once. Sex is up to twice daily (really haven’t had the 3rd opportunity to test it in a 24 hour span yet) and still enough wood for masturbation…so there’s been good gains on that front. I’ve gone from 6” to 6.375” MSEG measured with an OK Grip and actually measure 6.18” with a strong erection without an OK grip. I was unable to measure my girth prior without an OK grip, given the measuring shyness and EQ problems. Future MSEG measurements will feature both but…this is immaterial here.

The girl I dated during the time period of the last 10 months…didn’t react to my size in bed but perhaps once, when she said I was hitting her cervix (which I knew I was, as I was bottoming out quite hard at the time). Once in 10 months. During the relationship I switched my goals from length (as I made a 10” BPEL statement at some point in this log as a goal) to straight girth. I did get those girth gains I sought. Roughly .4 or a touch less (pretty much .375” or so) and it did get to a point where lube is required for us to have sex and has to be reapplied regularly. She never said anything or made any sort of expression about my size however.

And, having read so many ‘oh god its big’ reaction stories…I realize, for those of us here who put work in to get significant gains…we do expect some sort of reaction as a reward. And we do get crestfallen if we don’t get it. And while I will tell a guy, all day, don’t let your ego be held in the hands of a mercurial woman…to some degree we do allow this to happen anyway!

And while I’m confident in my size, I’m happy with it and ecstatic that I seem to have mastered PE enough to get continual gains if I’m diligent and sharp…I was unhappy with my sex life. And unconsciously, I was seeking these girth gains and got them…to get a reaction out of her. I realized that today and it’s why when last night I recorded BPEL losses due to not maintaining those gains…I was mentally and emotionally more concerned and happier that my girth is greater than it ever has been. The entire dynamic of how I’ve done PE for most of the last year changed…because I was trying to leave an impression with a woman I’m having sex with.

That ought not be the case. I shouldn’t have been doing that. At this point I have other plans set up to chase more girth and will likely pursue them because I think they’re a bit on the innovative side and I’m curious but…it was because I wanted validation. And I sought it from outside of myself even though I know that to be a fool’s errand. This was a painful realization but I’m empowered knowing and understanding it for the future.

So I wrote it down here. Because my insecurities still exist, they haunt me. Insecurity doesn’t just vanish when your penis reaches a certain size. It doesn’t just go away. You fight them and eventually overcome them with strength of will. I ain’t defeated mine yet…but I am putting in the time to do exactly this and I’m leaving this entry here to remind myself and perhaps inspire someone else on a similar journey.

This is a good read and it reflects some of the feelings I’ve had. Once your girth hits a certain point, mine was at 6.25”, it starts to become problematic. My wife was constantly complaining about being sore and feeling torn. I had to give up my ego and backed off the PE because it was causing problems.

So, for my relationship, 6 1/8” is as big as I should maintain. It still feels like she’s kegaling the whole time, so it’s good.

I think I was being too selfish and arrogant in my lofty goals and learned the hard way that it’s not about me, but us. I think that 8”x6.5” was easily attainable but I had to stop because of the discomfort I was causing her.

That and I was having premature ejaculation problems as I got bigger.

I was wondering why I hadn’t seen you around. Well, at least you’re at a size where you are content. Being aware of your impact on your partner is important.

I’m new here, this is my first post and your threads provided much of the reason I joined this forum.

That being said, although I understand everything you typed there’s something that came to mind while reading this that a woman I used to have sex with told me. In fact I think I’ve heard this at least two different times from different women.

To paraphrase she (they) basically said, ” You were tearing me up but I was not going to let you know I could barely take it” / “I didn’t want to look weak.” / “You weren’t going to win.” etc..

So with all that said, just the same as you have various “things” (which I won’t call issues) that you’re working through, the woman (you bed now) or women you bedded (in the past) have all sorts of traumas, issues and the like going on as well. This is not to say ignore the discovery and acknowledgement for the need of validation, but to allow wiggle room for why you may not receive it when you know damn well you’re tearing the bottom of her soul out and branding her root chakras with your glans.

There’s more than just a hole and a pole connecting.. Which I’m sure you know based on your posts, but the reaction you’re “looking for” you may actually be receiving just now where you expect to get it. Some women become vulgar, some cry, some lay stiff, some get mad when you hit the cervix, some get excited, some get nervous, “I’m about to pee, I’m about to pee”.

And even with that, sex is supposed to be pleasurable and wanting validation in an act where you seek to provide and also receive pleasure is no fault.
(Especially in a Westernized world where we’ve been condition and trained, bigger is better etc. Etc.)
So, wanting a reaction makes sense.

It’s when you want “only accept or seek” the validation through the lens in which you view it and not the lens of your partner where it becomes an issue.

My hope is that you receive this message well as it is sent with good intention.

I’m now no longer a lurker but an actual poster.

Hi Lance!

Glad you have joined and posted! Also, honored to inspire you.

I’ve gotten the reactions you describe. One woman tried hard to deflate my ego after she tore.

This lady just, the sex is…monotone. Her lack of reaction isn’t based on me, this I academically am aware of. She just doesn’t react. And it’s part of what actually deeply bothers me, given what I’ve put into PE and sexual ability.

I’ve had muted reactions. But it always manifests. A bitten lip, a change in hip movements…something…but, it’s just not discernible. What’s more is she’s never given me a “I wasn’t gonna let on” bit. It’s just not her.

The issue is I let her get to me. Sexually we ain’t a good match and that’s just what it is. But…I’m touched that you would offer the advice you did. You strike many good points and have more than a little bit of logic in your reasoning. I thank you for your opinion and will certainly keep it in mind.

Today, I got consistent measurements of 16cm several times in a row for my MSEG without using the OK grip. I’ll make notes through this week and see how the trend progresses. The entire MSEG could be trending up or perhaps just my normal erection. I’ll bet the entire thing but…I’ll wait and see. I’m quite eager. Cuz 6.5" MSEG any way you slice it is absolutely amazing. And it would be amazing to have reached.

I am of the belief that the subliminals I listen to while I sleep and am exposed to visually while at the computer have had a great effect on me. They also are geared towards more confidence and approaching women, which I’ve been doing much more of.

Currently the future plans are coming clearer. I’m going to be trying some true PE4F pumping. For those who are unfamiliar, read this thread. PE4F Pumping at Full Vacuum Also be advised…

The above link is for people with advanced levels of PE experience only. Without an advanced understanding it would be very easy to get injured using this style of pumping.

I’m not going to beat a dead horse here with that. I’ll post an obligatory warning with the entries in which I employ the method but the people reading my entries are all grown men who have an idea that they ought be careful at least to some extent with their penises. Use that discretion before attempting the above.

Those who have read my posts here for a long time also know I'm no fan of this style of pumping at all, however I made a note that if anything ever seemed even a bit reasonable I would give it a try just so that I would understand it better before simply being negative about it. This shall be a foray in that spirit. And anything negative I add about the method from here on in will be based on my experiences, as will any positives I find in equal measure.

Cylinder fit for me has been mostly miss on a hit and miss chart over the years. I get about 1/3 or a bit more packed in a tube before my malformed CC limits me and greatly changes my penile shape and girth at the mid point of the shaft. This pumping method is really contingent upon proper tube fit, a bit snugger than normal. However, I have paid note to this nuance of the method and am looking into a customized tube with a unique shape to it. How well that will go remains to be seen, as the manufacturer hasn’t made any promises that this device can be fabricated to spec with certainty. All of that said, this tube will be a good concept for regular and full vacuum pumping.

Also, as an add on I plan on incorporating a stand-alone pressure gauge to measure the negative pressure in the tube as I utilize it. I’ve seen some pressure gauges that look like they would work with the tubing I prefer, which is wider and thicker than most standard pump tubing. This gives me the chance to be able to measure the pressures properly so that I can mind what is going on more precisely than the forerunners of this technique have in the past, who have used no gauges at all during the utilization of this technique.

A condition I made of myself for me to attempt this it was the ability to actually mind the pressure in a precise manner so that I could make notations of what exactly I’m doing to my penis, how much and how long of a duration. To this end I plan on splicing one of the aforementioned pressure gauges into the pump tubing and seeing if using the auxiliary gauge with an old tube and my regular handpump will generate the same pressures (or predictably similar pressures) that the gauge on the hand pump generates, as I trust the handpump’s gauge to be accurate as far as calibration is concerned. I see no reasons that this method should not generate some sort of predictable and calculable pressure that the gauge can transmit to me when used with the industrial pump compared to the hand pump. However, if the gauge doesn’t generate predictable readings…I may have to chalk the project. This is as a preparation of safety but that’s far ahead of myself here.

If you were reading above, you know that I’m talking about a customized fit pump cylinder. So, it comes into play as the primary tube for this endeavor provided I find PE4F pumping bearable. To test how this pumping will feel for myself, instead of drilling my custom tube (assuming it comes into existence in a timely fashion) I will drill one of my other tubes (undecided on which, as my standby 2.25" Velseal would be a shame but could be repaired) and then test the pump style using it and seeing how it affects my penis. If the pumping style passes my taste test and I like the inflation I see in the tube, I’ll drill the custom tube and make it the primary host of the industrial pump.

As of right now the needed materials list and what I have are little:

Old tube- On hand
Custom tube- Still a concept
Hand pump- On hand
Stand alone HG pressure gauge- Not purchased
Extra, thick tubing- Not purchased
Pumping lube- Half a tub on hand
Vacu-tech Chrome tubing/cylinder fittings: Not purchased
Industrial pump of 1.5CFM- Not purchased
Industrial pump fitting- Not chosen or purchased (or fully understood yet)

I’m looking at getting some male/female fittings, couplings from Vacu-tech just cuz I’ve always wanted some of the chrome ones they sell and I’m probably going to have a chrome female fitting installed on my custom tube just cuz. Once the pump is here and I understand it better I’ll decide what fittings I want for the rest of the stuff.

This project is the latter half of the year project I plan on attempting. It was supposed to be my X50 Triumphant Revenge Run, but that didn’t work out. Selling it now, you ought to buy it. Send me a message. And my Tiger Trap build fizzled around $47 and instead of rebooting it I want to give this pumping style a try (since I don’t have the work space to build a Tiger Trap properly) and incorporate it in my next phases of IPR as well. I feel that if the custom tube works as planned I may get another for standard pumping and go back to low pressure automated pumping. This is all very expensive but it is contingent upon exactly how well this style and fit of tubes works for me.

That’s it for my brainstorming. Tune back in when I buy awkward and heavy packages from eBay and then go looking in a hardware store for the stuff to do PE even more awkwardly.

I’ll probably make it a slow run at the cheaper parts to test different aspects. Pretty much everything comes before the tube, since it’s got the largest cost.

Analyzing myself, I find that I deal with stress with solo activities that I can easily binge on. Porn, shooting (if you can afford binge levels of ammo), buying things…big boxes of candy…and when you come to this conclusion, you have to recognize when your brain is craving binge levels of dopamine. The times that it happens. Why it happens and what causes it.

For me, a day has to have gone badly and I have to feel like I need to control and partake of something that will be enjoyable. And a ‘bad day’ is not often but that is the involuntary trigger. I haven’t partaken…but…I literally started sifting through my mental list of old haunts and I realized…that’s where it starts.

Hello, been a while. My girth seems to be around the 6.25 mark. I’ve had 2 girls the last 2 months that couldn’t take it. I didn’t think this was possible. I’ve had escorts complain, but I thought they were just being lazy LOL.

It kinda hurt my feelings that they were complaining that I was hurting them and made me lose my erection.

After your deconditioning advice, Ive been consistently hitting 8.75-9inches in the pumping tube, so I feel that I can maybe cement my 8.5bp measurement soon or with another deconditioning period. Do you think its wise to just go on random 2 or 3 wk breaks?

Also, is it a way to work on glans girth without the mid and base girth growing?

Something else that kinda made me sad, it seems that women can tell when you gain even .25in in length. As she kept mentioning Im deep. She had never mentioned that I was that deep in previous encounters. For some reason, it kinda makes me feel sad because I see the difference in reactions the bigger I get. And it just makes me want to get even bigger, but I know how hard it will be for me to reach my goal of 9-9.5 inches.