Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Let me make sure I’m clear here. When you say: “But the mentality of never stopping and continuing has netted me less compassion and connection than I ever imagined.” You are talking about your posture towards women, yes?

Because I’m not talking about PE here at all.

And to be as precise as I can be: “but the insatiable needs for more and new drives me forward and away from familiar and comfortable because the search for perfection never ends.”

This is what I am talking about fading and being crowded out by other things over time.

My mate search has always been tertiary. My primary goals have always been self-driven. Usually physical then career. Rehab of my knees and a new job. Finishing out PE and seeking more certifications. The mate search on any level never gets too high on the list. Often omitted actually.

I doubt my stance on women will change as when I get frustrated I just wipe the board and go solitary for a while before starting again. Something crowding my stance on women woe indicate I didn’t shuffle the entire concept to the side whenever important things arise. That’s another reason I was confused.

I don’t want to take this down a rabbit hole, but the curiosity is because it looks familiar.

Was it hard to get to this stance? It feels like there was some distance traveled to get there. I am curious about the ease of travel.

Not looking to get into the minutia though, I’m not forgetting my own, but I’m not looking towards recollecting, some of those impacts wound up being fucking brutal.

We evolve but detachments remain.

We apply reason, or we like to think so, sometimes we just do.

I was in honest to goodness love with someone who was in honest to goodness lust and thought she could rope me in with just her vagina. I think it was hard to get to where I am but that being pushed there made it far easier.

I don’t fancy walking back. As an already inherently suspicious individual I’m more content with the lack of ability to give deep trust than is good for my future romantic prospects.

I suppose the entry itself had no answer and the back and forth is comparing my wounds and emotional limp to those of the reader, a task with no productive end goal.

Thank you for humoring me. I’ll put the journal back on topic now.

You are a beautiful man TG.

What do you currently love the most?

The moment between a clean trigger pull and the saccades that facilitate the slow motion of watching the perfect shot happen. It’s a flawless crystalline moment.

I don’t know if I’m beautiful in any intangible sense. Honestly I feel jaded and jagged.

TFG, if beautiful is not the word that accounts for you then good is indeed fitting for you have shared a lot of real experience in your journey and it will benefit even more of our brother.

I’m just a misguided soul. I found PE and love for my body but the reality is…it did nothing for the hole in my heart. It’s cheesy and pathetic.

I’ll soldier forward. Maybe find someone, maybe not. But I won’t give up. Goals, all of them, will be gotten.

I push when I want something. PE is the notable case and here is a break direly needed.

The fact is there is no way that I can continue at this pace without brakes. It’s not physically possible. 19 days is slightly longer than I wanted but it is within the window for me to take some time off. As it stands I do think I’m going to cement an eighth of an inch in girth in the next month. I do know that it will take more work. But I don’t want to damage myself in the process. I do not believe that I have but I know time off is needed.

Reflecting on my approach, I know I’m redlining a bit. I may add a day off depending on my mood. Today measuring after sex and masturbation was a touch low as expected but making the decision to break was difficult even though I knew it was time. Don’t let habits and desires hide hazards ahead.

Predictably after another two weeks my cock is raw and sore from the regular pumping. I am pretty sure I am cementing 6.375” MSEG or bigger but pumping is hurting due to tenderness of outer shaft skin. It feels raw to touch. And the sides of my penis, the CCs, really feel tender. Doesn’t hurt to get erect or masturbate but in boxer briefs, any movement is Hell.

I have a picture of an inflamed spot that has swollen up.

Injection site inflammation bump

It is one of the injection sites. No puss but super raw to touch and press on. Burning sensation. This is a 3 day break, today, Thursday and Friday. Friday night may include sex. Picture will be up later and linked here. Definitely uncomfortable.

I did measurements and pics today here: Official May 2019 Measurement Pics

If you don’t need to go read it
BPEL 9.13”
NBPEL 8”
MSEG 6.375”

I just wanted to talk a bit about how it is such slow, incrementall work. That I was unsure I would get back up to 9”+ BPEL while still working girth. I’ve seen significant curve correction in the last month as well that I think is a factor here. It just all needs to be stated I put a lot of time and effort in and not a lot comes out all the time. It’s just a matter of continuing forward.

Also, my Coolscupting conclusion is that it worked. In all my BPEL pics for the last few months you can clearly see the 1” mark on the ruler. My fat pad no longer can cover it. So progress was made there for the cost of a water bottle and ice trays. Pretty good stuff.

I never thought the ability to chat instantly with people would bring such crushing emptiness into my life. And how much harder finding and creating a relationship would be. All the dating I didn’t do in my early 20s shows now in the lost opportunities with a cultural shift that stymies actually meeting.

If you hold off on dating and going out cuz you are worried about your penis and you have women interested in you, you are a fool.

While I am motivated to seek gains in the girth category I have always prioritized curve correction over any other PE goal. At this point I realize that while a 2” diameter cylinder is uncomfortable to use, when I insert my fully erect penis in one of my 2” diameter tubes it straightens by default. My penis frictions the walls of the cylinder pretty heavily and obviously is a poor choice as far as sizing is concerned. Pressurizing it will be likely uncomfortable as well but if I buy a 2” diameter velseal cylinder and get the EZ angle it likely will be the single biggest move I can make towards drastic curve correction faster than my current path. Using the 2 and 1/4 tube it does help and obviously I have seen that benefit. The logic follows that if I were to use a tighter and more insistent mold it would work faster and target the bent areas more intensely.

It just is another expense to buy a new EZ angle tube. And more time to spend once I’m done healing from the bump on the side of my shaft. But my motivation knows no limits and my determination has no boundary. I have set a goal and I have demanded a solution and now that I have found it I literally have no choice but to use it because I asked for nothing more.

I am still healing and off pumping for another week or so. Trying to wait out this bump but I will see what i can do about it this week at the doctor if I am not better by Wednesday.

I don’t know I don’t think you ever lose it if you actually have game. I was at the gym today and a guy was working a girl and she was responding, but i caught her eye and she tried to ignore my presence. And a little later I go by and she cant stop staring. It would have taken me a hour to sleep with that girl and he didn’t even get her number.

Someone with your attributes would be a pussy slayer within a few months and it could be you already are but aren’t giving yourself credit for it.

It’s the second part of it, the relationship part that’s the kicker. This whole gender neutral, toxic masculinity, joke of a narrative, that pervades the psyche of social consciousness, is the hurdle. It’s hard for men to accept that we’ve become willing chumps, when we don’t actually have to capitulate to get laid or have meaningful relationships. Most guys heads would explode if they understood this. This fallacious forced narrative cannot overcome millions of years of evolution in terms of sexual response and its underpinnings to relationships. The pendulum has swung so far and there’s been so much capitulation that there’s no one there to guide us. Despite the respite, I am confident that you will be able to decipher the noise and cut through the chaos in short order.

On the later point of holding off on dating, and lamenting the lost opportunity, quite frankly you can lament that because you’ve been so successful and what that means for you. Additionally there will always be such periods, more useful to turn that into appreciation for the opportunity yet to come with the insight gained. I imagine you will be the better for it.