Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Of course, nothing beats the real thing. And yes, I do think too hard and PE is starting to consume my life. I’ll admit it. It’s as though my penis has become the center of my existence. I guess I have the fear that the next time I have sex and ejaculate I’m going to have to start from scratch again. Like I have stated, the blue-ball period was torture and I don’t want to relive that or lose any gains I’ve made. The latter is probably unlikely, but in my PE warped mind it’s there. Sound ridiculous, I know. I’m just so damn determined to make this work.

I spoke on PE consuming my life in a few entries. It happens. To the best of us. *chuckles softly* You may need time off. That’s how I resolve it.

I’m in the process of making noticeable gains and I don’t want all my effort to go down the toilet. I’ll be taking my first measurement since starting on Friday. Oh, the anticipation! Haha!!! I know I’ll be pleased, because I know I have gained just by the look and feel. Maybe once I know I have cemented the gains in, I can take some time off.

Isn’t it really crucial at this stage that I continue, being that I’m still a newbie?

Yes and no. Taking 6 months off would be bad. Taking a week or 2 wouldn’t matter much. I mean regardless, your life has to take priority over your penis. It’s a dark world otherwise.

Hi TG,

I thought you needed the ruler to work out when gains have slowed indicating the end if the I phase? Or are you using PIs for that?

SB

When I did my reading, I saw that “as long as your PIs are positive” as a good indicator but none of the I-phase work seemed to last longer than 6 weeks anyway. With me being 2 weeks in I’ll make that my max time span and mark progress then.

Still gotta remember I’m only human, Shaunbaby. *smirks*

OR I’ll mark progress and go up to another 4 weeks. But that’s slim chance, honestly.

Ok, I’ve pretty much only read your stuff and Xeno’s. Xeno’s took me ages at 44 pages.

Personally I would measure now as 12 to 13 days was what Xeno indicated. If you go on for another 2 weeks at least you will have the data to know if it is working.

Yes, I’m only human as well. Not a bad life though!

I’ve seen mild gains already in the 7 to 10 days I measured last. Cuz I had the ruler the first 2 or 3 sets. Plus good EQ the day after each set.

Pretty sure I’ve got something going. At least for now. I don’t want to induce error and fluctuations.

This last week. Seven days. I have been back in porn. I should have deleted the folder, but I didn’t. I took the cup, I drank from it deep. Now, I pay the price.

I wasn’t that bad the first day. It was actually good. I used it to get up and fuck my girlfriend. I used it to aid me in sex.

By the fourth day it was telling on my EQ and drawing edging sessions out too long.

By the sixth day I barely had any ejaculate to give my girlfriend after she blew me to completion.

By the eighth day I had to reschedule yet another PE day due to EQ and orgasm problems.

Porn folder recycled.

It’s hidden on my big flash drive and the odds of me plugging it in for porn are low. But…if I do…I’ll delete it there as well. Literally, if I open up that folder again and I’m not completely done with PE and fucking regularly like I should be, with stone hard EQ that I have seen myself have without porn then I’m just fucking done with porn and anything illicit period.

Ten weeks…down the drain. I don’t think I’ve done myself harm. But I do think…I do think…I set myself back just a little bit. I won’t know for at least a week, till my EQ rages back and my girlfriend isn’t sick so we can have sex again. But…I know I feel like I let both her and myself down.

If you feel shame, hide it or feel a sinking feeling viewing porn…you probably shouldn’t be consuming it.

Edit ten minutes later: Folder on flash drive destroyed.

Don’t worry TG. 10 weeks is something not only to be proud of…but to improve on.

I’ve been a couple months now of only using porn during PE. (Have not ejaculated other than sex). I’m hoping to go all the way sober soon.

It’s alright. Years of porn destroyed the EQ I was fixing. It took this last 2 months to see that all of my fears of venuous leakage were just maladjusted porn usage. I destroyed the folder. 32 gigs. I rooted it out of my flash drive. And I’m cleaning out hundreds of bookmarks (or just going to try and bug Internet Explorer and reinstall it).

It is not about accomplishment. I went back, knowing it was toxic. I went back and I made that mistake. I know better. And now I know the benefit for certain. I’m not scared of failure. I am scared of being and doing what it was that made me so dependent on images of strangers…that…is the issue. I can’t hope to help others if I can’t help myself.

Porn can be as addictive as heroine and most people don’t even know the damage it can cause. It can destroy everything. It takes a strong minded person to realize this and I’m glad you have been doing your best to overcome this problematic issue. At least you have taken the first step by destroying it all. That’s what has to be done and is more than some would be able to do. It will be hard to give up. You’ll see things on the internet that will try to lure you back. Stay strong, I know you can do it. Just by the fact you have hopped hurtles most men would fall over with your PE career alone, shows you have the strength to overcome this. I believe in you and wish you all the best.

I honestly appreciate this more than you know. I never really took porn addiction seriously, chugging along with it screwing my brain up and ruining my sexuality to the point that I nearly lost my way in PE and life. I just cannot, cannot believe how it actually slips right in and makes it so easy while leaving you the illusion of control.

Just typing this knowing my porn stash is destroyed and my bookmarks are pretty much history (right clicking individually on hundreds is tricky, dozens and dozens died in the folders I was able to delete but not all was sorted) has me with a light and free feeling I’ve never felt before. It’s crazy. I thought I’d be shaking knowing that the porn was gone. And just thinking that showcases the level of addiction I had to have had without even realizing it.

I can’t…the words are not enough. It is so far more than just simply ridiculous that my ability with words cannot convey how I feel about porn right now. Though I wrote this…Porn: Poison with the labels that beg you to lick them

Thank you, James. Temperance won’t let me turn back.

As a Christian man, porn is the devil to me and all others who claim to be “perfected” through His grace. The truth is, I’m just as bad a person as the next who struggles with porn addiction and a lackluster spiritual life. Many of these perfect Christians get up on Sunday and clothe their sins up under their suits and go play the perfect son/daughter just to fall back into the muck the rest of the week holds. They’re eyes are full of self righteous condemnation while their minds are slowly seduced by the need for more porn, alcohol, whatever. The cycle never ends and it won’t for you either, TG. You will always want and desire porn. Deleting the files just isn’t enough because you can get more so easily through the internet. Sex is everywhere and it is always in the form of a beautiful, young and vibrant woman we all want to see in our beds but the reality is quite a bit different.

My wife is beautiful and I can’t get enough of her but she isn’t a porn model. Her body is aging and health problems crop up from time to time. Her weight fluctuates and she doesn’t look like the perfectly made up porn queen we see in film. Sex with her isn’t the same every time. It is powerful and world moving one time and quick and quiet the next. We are clumsy at times and our bodies tire out. Her expectations and mine don’t always match but she is real. The porn woman isn’t. Equally so with the porn dude. Unlike me, he has a massive dick that never loses its erection. He never cums faster than he wants to and he has a body that would take me 4 hours a day in a gym while eating dry turkey and whey powder to get. We both know this is fake but still feel the allure.

Deleting the porn helps but you have to go further. I’ve learned where my triggers are. One is tv. Who hasn’t seen the Victoria Secret ads. Gets my mind thinking about beautiful women, sex and porn. Another trigger is a loss of EQ and/or sexual desire which I’ve discovered is normal from time to time. However, fear that I’m getting old or losing it drives me to desire porn just to ‘prove’ I can still get it up. Knowing my triggers and how I respond to them arms me with the power to overcome that desire but it doesn’t equip me to follow through with it. The only way I can move past that desire is to either avoid the triggers or, failing that, keep busy doing something that takes my mind off of it. Prayer and Bible reading don’t do that for me. Wood working does. Engaging my mind in something that is creative and difficult works for me. Being bored with too much time on my hands combined with the desire for porn is the recipe for disaster in my life.

Triggers, like knowing you do PE and edge using porn. Last 10 weeks I wasn’t using porn. Just fantasy material and old sexts, which work well. However, you fall back into old habits and trigger.

Idle hands. She’s asleep and ill. I need release…and there we are. Or I was. I don’t trigger from TV, don’t watch it. Or the net. Unless it’s tumblr, which I’m not doing anymore. You are right but I’ve been relying on my stash over 90% of the time so deleting the files matter.

That said. I’m going to get back into writing. I do fiction and fan-fiction. It’s how I used to avoid porn. So I’ll be back at it soon. Been digging up my notebooks. It’ll be okay. I’ll move on.

Your words and concern are appreciated.