Reflections and Progress: thoughtfulgold

Today I looked back at the relationships that formed a lot of my sexuality. It took a lot of thought. I didn’t think that I was still haunted by any clear and potent memory. As it turns out, I was wrong. I am haunted by something sexually, still to this day.

I know that the memory is not true now. That I have overcome what it means. But I will never forget it. That is what being haunted and tormented by a memory means. When it still can evoke a emotional reaction from you when you remember it.

I’m haunted by the shadows of my first two partners. My own inexperience probably contributed more to what happened than anything else. Or perhaps that’s what I like to think. I cannot be sure now. I just know that when I look back at those two partners no amount sexual success with them ever undid the damage they personally were responsible for in regards to my ego and self-esteem sexually.

My first partner felt like warmed up oatmeal. Friction was a concept not a given reality. Her reactions did not really seem in time with any of thrusting I was doing. I never really understood what got her off. Or rather when I look back I can’t remember and it doesn’t make sense with the bits I recall. I don’t know what magic I used to do to make it work for her, how or what made her orgasm. I know all of my moves now but none of my moves from back then make any sense when I try to remember them. I just remember a lot of futile effort and sometimes some reward at the end.

My worst time with her was probably the second or third time we had sex. I was stressing and it was going okay. It seems like her orgasm was building. Then, I lost my footing and slipped in balls deep.

Nothing happened. No reaction physically or audibly, nothing. As though I had thrust into the lukewarm, mushy vacuum of space to an equal amount of productiveness.

That moment has probably haunted me for 11 years. It would probably be the first truly dogged ghost of Inadequacy that I met face to face.

My second partner was adventurous. I talked about how she used to tease me about my size comparing me to a large toy that she had me buy. I talk about that toy and her torture of me with it here: The Power and Curse of Visualization: My battle with dildos and confidence

However, what is relevant today is similar to what happened with her was similar to what happened with my first partner. We were getting it on and it was going well. Missionary, just like before, I lost my footing, or my knees rather, and slipped in balls deep. The twist on this was when it happened was her face changed. She threw her head back and moaned quite loud and begged me to “go deeper, do it just like that!”

I could not.

I was probably just above the 7-inch range at the time. And I thought I had a reasonably large penis, when she wasn’t tormenting me with that damn toy. But I felt 2 inches long at the time. Or better said, 2 inches too short.

She wanted more dick than I had to give her. That was crystal clear. That pink toy had set the stage for this moment. It broke a part of me.

I resolved then that if I could get bigger than I would. That I would never be tortured that way again. I set that toy as my first target and I also said I will never fall short, ever again.

Seven years later and I can say that I don’t fall short, not even close in any of my partners. It has been a couple years since anyone has been close to getting me balls deep.

Personally, I like it that way. I caution men against being too big for their partners but this is my personal preference. And I have my reasons as well as accept any consequences of the pursuit of still larger size.

I can look back and honestly say I don’t have any regrets about the amount of PE that I’ve done or will do. My actions have undone the reality that I was formerly a part of and I will never again face trials like what I described.

Even though the ghosts may never die they cannot stop me anymore.

I am unsure what response you want from me here. General tips and consensus would be easier gathered by making your post a stand-alone thread. The only question you asked was "will I be comfortable doing PE around her?" which I cannot answer for you.

I am happy for you but the post is off-topic and well beyond the scope of what I cover in this progress log. *chuckles*

Would you like if I moved the most to it’s own thread in "Life, Love and Fantasies" forum?

Actually you’re right. If the mods can delete it, then that would be great. It was poorly editted.

I was posting it as a response to what you were talking about. About how a sexual relationship might actually boost PE, as opposed to impede it. I also posted it because I know you had expressed thoughts about submissive women/BDSM, on earlier posts.

I didn’t know you wanted questions only on here. It was meant as a response as to the challenges that sexual relationships bring to people who do PE, since there seem to be many notable challenges.

But feel free to delete it, if you get the mods to. No biggie.

Good luck with your plans.

BDSM is a complex thing. It easily goes off topic and is only tangentially related to what I mentioned by how you told the tale.

I actually have a bit to add to it, which I will, but your story deserves its own space like my reflections deserve mine. As, if we discuss your situation here and others are drawn to it, it would be an off topic discussion.

I am a mod and I didn’t delete it. I gave your story it’s own home using the rules for keeping threads tidy. Nothing personal.

It’s crazy how one moment, one word, one reaction can just hit us right in the heart. Both good and bad.

I read an account of a woman with a husband who had a large penis. He couldn’t fit all the way in with her. They had a threesome and he went all in the other woman and apparently the orgasmic noise he made when he did haunted the wife.

It’s the closest I’ve ever seen a women come to relating to penis insecurity. She was devastated that she would never give him that. He would never feel that with her. It was truly consuming her mind.

I’d imagine a lot of guys here have these moments. Some all in our heads. We misinterpreted a reaction, a glance, or the silence. For others, what was experienced was genuine. We weren’t big enough. It messes with your head.

I’m not sure why. I mean I know society plays on the big dick is better routine. I know to a degree a larger penis might be desirable to a lot of women, both aesthetically and functionally. Still, there’s almost something deeper than the social aspect. Maybe guys giving more pleasure spread their genes more, maybe it’s just biology.

Whatever it is it’s a feeling, or mindset, that is easy to give in to. To wallow in. To obsess over. A certain type of destroyer really.

I hope we can all find our own ways of fighting back. Pushing back against the emptiness of it all. Truly, it’s a blinder to the joy in life for many men. Just as so many things can become.

I feel like I’ve read in your posts a level of introspection that would shine light on the truer nature of these thoughts. Their worthlessness. I’ve had a bit of a health thing on my mind lately and it puts things in perspective.

It’s easy to miss it, but we should really just try to enjoy life. Seek peace. To not spend life pissed and anxious. Just breathe and enjoying being able to breathe. Enjoy the soft bed. The clean water. The roof. The simple things. I’m not saying all that to you specifically, not entirely, but more so just in response to the hauntings that drain a lot of us.

I can safely say that your interpretation of the post that you just read is probably one of the most accurate interpretations of a post I’ve ever seen on thundersplace. That also said, understanding of the mentality that created this post is rare because either people are lost in the despair that these thoughts can create or they deny that these thoughts exist inside them. A greater understanding of the insecurities that cultural norms press upon us is key.

The simple moment that many of us are shattered by is a forgotten one by the person who brings such a thought into our minds. I am unsure if that is the tragedy or if the tragedy is that something so forgettable can destroy us.

Your description of a woman so tortured by something so similar it is poignant. It saddens me on the same exact level. And, even though I do not know the full circumstances, I hope that she finds peace.

The grandest conclusion to make is that life is to be lived not in the shadow of doubts created by thoughtlessness.

I am left a little confused when I read these type of threads. I am deep but not into introspection at least not to the point of obsession. I am doing PE as an experiment and for fun, I am not doing it because of how much of my penis fits into or doesn’t fit inside my woman, or that I am ashamed to use a public urinal or shower because I perceive my penis as being small in comparison to others. Frankly I don’t get those feelings and I cannot assist the men who has those thoughts or anxiety. My flaccid is nothing special, 5” x 5”, but it is fine by me, so is my erect length and girth 7” x 6”. If I get to 8” to 9”, good for me, but I will still be the same old bloke with the same sexual habits and sexual abilities, it won’t change anything except that I will have to learn not to fall over with that penis due to its swing. I don’t want any girth gain, 6” is good enough for me, and where I place my penis.

I don’t care if any man is bigger than me, good for him, but I doubt what he feels with that penis is better than what I feel with mine, and his ability as a lover with that penis, well I am not interested either. I guess why do men and women get these hangups, and why they latch on to them rather than shrugging their shoulders and moving on with more important issues in life.

Not really. You make your opinions quite clear. No confusion at all. Disinterested. Why you commented at all is what confuses me.

The life advice is great. Unbidden and useless but great. Start a column somewhere else.

Your assessment that I have not and do not move on and do things important with my life is presumptuous and rude. That assumption is baseless and quite simply a dig *just* because you find the entire idea of threads like this, introspective beyond where you personally have a desire to go, needless. Not because I actually am unproductive in my life.

You personally have no desire to post in this way. That is quite clear, thank you for the clarity.

Great! Good for you! Now, take your “PE is just an experiment” attitude, go get your perfect penis that you can take or leave if it comes or not nonchalant approach…and go somewhere else!

This is day 30 after the burn. It is pretty well healed and does not seem to show any signs of wear or irritation after a PE session today with edging and PE4F pumping PE4F: Test Run/Return

All of that is in order.

The thing that is somewhat key is that I’m in a positive sexual relationship and looking to add to that with some of the women I’ve been meeting lately. Confidence and personal happiness is up and despite the time off from PE I’ve seen measurements like 9.25x6.14” and certainly think I’ll be seeing more here soon. I’m still brainstorming the routine I want to try exactly but all things considered, it seems like any choices are good ones if I’m cautious. Girth seems likely to come first, before correction of the curve. I will wait and see.

Hey TG I’m curious about something. You mentioned in the above thread and one earlier, I believe, that despite not doing any real PE for the past six months, you seem to be getting bigger.

Do you have any explanation for this?

This is interesting, to say the least.

Yes. Confidence and self-love, partially generated by my subliminals I listen to at night, have changed my outlook and created the reality I desire where I continue to grow because it’s my desire.

Your world is everything you think it is. And in this last year and some odd months I’ve realized it and feel more potent in all aspects of life, PEis one on a very long lists of contexts I’ve seen drastic improvements in.

I believe in my mastery therefore it exists and manifests continually.

It will be interesting to see the outcome when you start your routine again. That, combined with your mind power, should produce some great results.

Looking forward to seeing it unfold.

I believe that Ganesh10in also employs very similar techniques. He uses yoga as a focal point but the net result and goal are the exact same. His gains are quite inspirational, even to me. Part of his approach brought me to the approach I use now.

Love to hear this.

Keep up the good work. Love to see your “outside of the box” thinking and open mindedness in conjunction with a scientific approach. You’ve earned your gains

I’ve also started listening to a subliminal audio from the same maker. I believe its starting to have a positive impact on my sexual image, which i believe will be important for continual gains so i gotta thank you for that

If you order from her let her know TG sent you. It’ll make her laugh, I bet.

You have to use your mind to create your greatest feats in your life. No matter what they are, your reality is decided by your mind.

While I pointed you on the path, your subconscious desire for these things to manifest are to thank. In time, you’ll see exactly what I described to Seneca32 above. It simply is what happens when you decide you want something that much.